My ex-husband moved out when my children were 4 years and 2 years old. Basically my kids do not remember their parents being married, or us as a family. This fact is sad for me. How can you really explain "divorce" to children when they are 4 and 2? As a stay at home Mom (until my daughter went into first grade), our child mediator told us that it is natural the children will ask questions of the parent with whom they spend the most time. Of course, I was asked many questions, including "Why did you and dad get divorced?"
It always seemed unfair that it was my husband's decision to leave and divorce, yet I was the one getting all of the questions and expected to provide the answers. I was careful to answer their questions the best I could for their age and without demeaning their dad. Note: No matter how mad or angry you might be at your ex, do not, do not (no this is not a typo) speak negatively about your ex to your children! This is so important for your children. Trust me, your children should not be put in the middle (at any age.) One day the children can be presented with the facts/truth (if appropriate) and they can draw their own conclusions, as adults.
If you are not the one who wanted the divorce and you are not sure how to answer the question or maybe you do not feel you should have to answer the question, it is okay to tell your children, "It was your dad or mother's decision, why don't you ask them." The reason I bring this topic up, my son, now 13, asked me the other night, "Mom, why did you and dad get divorced?"
It has been a long time since I have been asked that question. He took me by complete surprise. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would hear it again. Since my son is becoming more independent as a teenager, exposed to more of the "world," I realize he is wanting to understanding his world.
When I told him that was a good question for him to ask his dad, his response was, "I already did and he would not tell me." Hmmmmm., that is a bit frustrating. I believe my children are entitled to more of an explanation than they received 8 years ago. So now I am giving it some thought, what to say, how to say it, and what will be appropriate.
If your divorce was not "your decision" and yet you feel like you are the one getting all of the questions, I know it seems unfair. Do the best you can to give your child(ren) an explanation that is age appropriate. Keep it neutral, without negative comments about the other parent. You can tell them that relationships between adults can be complicated and when they get older they will gain a better understanding.
Copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved
Telling my kids was so hard, especially since I, too, was not the one who wanted this divorce. It took all I had in me to present the “‘we’” have decided to get divorced…” It was recommended to me that we present it this way to the kids, but it sure didn’t seem fair. My husband thought it was fair since I contributed to where we ended up (or more likely it’s all my fault according to him…). It seems like the one initiating the break-up of our family as the kids have always known it should take responsibility for it. I know that is selfish to think that way, but I can’t help it!