One of the Divorce Recovery groups I mentioned in my post on 7/14/08, was DivorceCare. Joseph Warren Kniskern wrote an excellent book filled with practical advice called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce." This book is labeled as a DivorceCare Resource. Joseph Warren Kniskern is a compassionate Christian attorney who has walked the path of divorce.
I like how Joseph Warren Kniskern begins the book with a look at the "Big Picture." To try and understand and learn from our marriages, it is important to look at how our relationships began. What expectations and past experiences did you or your spouse bring to your marriage? For the next few days we will look at some "perception factors" that can create doubts and lead to the"Terminal Marriage Shock."
In his book, Mr. Kniskern refers to the spouses as the initiator and the non-initiator. The initiator spouse is the one who first decides to get out of the marriage because he/she usually wants personal freedom and happiness more than what is best for the other partner. The non-initiator is the spouse not wanting a divorce.
When the initiator married, he/she had all sorts of expectations for the marriage. For awhile there is contentment. The couple is in the "honeymoon stage" of the marriage. Basic needs are being met; security, love, acceptance. Then slowly the initiators focus begins to change and various "perception factors" prompt doubts. Joseph Warren Kniskern addresses 5 "perception factors." Today we will cover the first one.
The Romance Myth
We have all been fed the message by the media that romance equals love. Yet the two can be very different. The media would lead us to believe that our spouse is this beautiful princess or the knight in shining armor. We start to believe our partner will give us a lifetime of bliss as they meet all of our needs, while strengthening our weaknesses. However, this is not reality!
When we are ruled by our emotions, we marry someone we believe can fulfill our mental fantasies. We cannot accept them for who they really are. Instead we have illusions of making them who and what we want them to be.
Then there is sexual attraction. We often confuse sex for love. We use sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy. We also forget that beauty is fleeting. We believe this "good-looking" person will make up for everything else that may be lacking.
Romance when disguised as love, will fall at the feet of the vivacious personality, the alluring appearance, the sense of humor, and all of the other characteristics of a "good catch." But romance will not get its own feet dirty when these qualities fade. This type of "love" lasts only as long as the initial attraction.
We all know that marriage is not easy. It takes work and it will be tested. This is when you find out if love really exists, because romance has headed for the nearest exit. Love accepts the person, supports them and stands by them. Love is committed to the end. Romance on the other hand, begins to crumble when flexibility or endurance is required. This may be when you begin to realize the romance lie. Romance cannot accept the spouse for who they really are, but rejects them when they fail to meet their flawed expectations.
How about you? Was your marriage based on romance or love? If you can relate to this "perception factor" or have thoughts to share, please feel free to leave a comment.
Next time we will cover the perception factor; The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover.
copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser
