Whether you are in the process of divorce or have been divorced for some time, one issue single parents often face is having no input (or control) over poor choices made by the other parent. When poor choices are made, the results or consequences not only impact the parent, but also the children.
Poor choices can range from one parent having rules and a routine at their house and the other parent having very different rules at their home. This may include bed times, chores, expectations and responsibilities, homework, balanced diet, tv time, computer time, attending church and more.
Having vastly different rules and expectations for each home can be difficult on the children. Allowing young children to stay up as late as they want on a school night is usually a poor choice. It is best if parents can strive to have similar rules and expectations for the children’s sake.
If and when possible, try to communicate your view point to the other parent regarding rules and expectations you have set for your home and why. Ask and seek to understand the other parent’s point of view and determine if you might be able to compromise, to have consistency for the children. If communication is stressed between you and the other parent, then send an email.
Parents are human and we all make mistakes. Setting up house rules, expectations, responsibilities and routines may be more challenging for one parent than another. Sometimes a parent may make poor choices because they do not know better, or they were not thinking. Bringing a situation to the other parent’s attention and explaining why it may not be a good choice, suggesting other options, may lead the parent to a better choice.
Pick and choose your battles, or situations to address carefully. If you try to tell the other parent how to parent and it is perceived that you are trying to “control” them, then your suggestions will likely not be well received and/or implemented. You may want to ask yourself, “Is this issue the result of poor choices, how does the choice impact the children, is the choice simply different and not the way I would handle it?” If there are many issues, start with one or two that you feel are the most important to address. Be sure to present your perspective in a neutral, diplomatic, non-offensive way.
Ultimately you have no control over how your ex-spouse will parent your children. What you can control is how you respond. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to make the situation better for our children?” If so, do what you can do and let go of what you have no control over.
My next post will cover situations of poor choices made when a parent is thinking primarily of himself/herself and not the children. I will provide ideas on how you can handle these situations with your children. Stay tuned for Part 2.
Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved
Really enjoy your blog. So smart and thoughtful. Thank you.