Today we continue with Joseph Warren Kniskern’s book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," If you recall, Joseph Warren Kniskern begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from the beginning. We have been covering the 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.
To refresh your memory, the first perception factor was The Romance Myth, followed by The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover, then there was: Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment. The fourth factor was Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage. The final perception factor we will review is:
Low Self-Esteem
Let’s face it all of us struggle with low self-esteem from time to time. If you think not everyone does, how about this definition of pride. Pride is the belief that you have excellent self-esteem but it is actually a mask behind which low-self esteem hides.
Self-esteem is your overall opinion of yourself — how you honestly feel about and value yourself. Self-esteem involves judging your worth as a person. When you have a low self-esteem you generally feel you are not "good enough", something is missing. If only you could fill that emptiness then you would be "okay." Our culture and society today would tell us we need to pursue money, sex, power, the perfect body, or a certain status. Once we achieve that particular missing element, we will be okay.
One starts to believe the answer to their problem is external. A person may find themselves jumping from job to job, place to place, interest to interest, or person to person looking for happiness and fulfillment. Often times falling into the trap of "if only I had married….," "if only I had more money, or would be promoted to Vice President," … then I would be happy.
If you get caught in the trap of low self-esteem then your focus in life becomes changing the world around you, which may include your marriage. It is much easier to try and change the external things in our life than it is to take an honest look at our own lives and change ourselves. For those of you that were the non-initiator in your marriage break up, I hope this will provide some comfort. It is often not about "you." I am not saying that you had no part in the break up of your marriage. We all contribute to the success or failure of our marriages. I want to share what John Warren Kniskern wrote:
"At first we were concerned about meeting the "right one" to marry. Now we are learning how important is is to be the "right one" for someone else. Zig Ziglar said it well:
If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you."
I think there is so much truth to what Zig Ziglar said. I believe the world puts the emphasis on marrying the right kind of person rather than "being" the right kind of person.
The perception factors we have covered are not the complete list. There are more factors that can work on our minds to distort the way we view people. The process of one’s perceptions that create doubt and feed the emptiness inside generally occurs over a period of time. The timing is different for everyone.
Now that we have looked at various "perception factors" that affect how each of us views our partner and relationships, I want to take a look at the Mind of the Initiator. For the non-initiator spouse who is left wondering, "what happened?" I believe looking into the mind of the initiator will help give you insight into the bigger picture. Join me next time when we will try to grasp the Mind of the Initiator.
If you saw evidence of low self-esteem in your marriage and how it played a role, please feel free to share your comments or thoughts below. You may think you are the only one who feels a certain way, but once you share you will be amazed to find out how many others have felt the same way or experienced something similar.
copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser
