I have been sharing from a great resource book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The author begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from the beginning. He covers 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.
The first perception factor was The Romance Myth. The second factor was The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover. The third perception factor was: Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment. The fourth factor is:
Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage
This factor has evolved with the changes in society, lifestyle and people having multiple jobs during their career. Traditionally neighbors and friends used to enjoy relationships that lasted for years and years. The men would go hunting, fish or golf together, women would share coffee in the mornings, families would get together for a meal. My parents played bridge with other couples.
Today people often move away from their hometown for jobs right out of college, or simply to relocate, people get up rooted by their companies or move for another job in their industry. People lose touch when they move. The pace of life has sped up dramatically with both parents working, children involved in numerous activities and more opportunites for our time, even if you do not move around people often barely know their neighbors. When people move away from their hometown and families spread out in numerous locations, visits with extended familes can become expensive and impractical.
Without these valuable friendships, besides boredom, a spouse may look to their partner to fulfill their friendship needs. This can be draining when a spouse has the responsibility of fulfilling their partner’s needs for a spouse, family and friends. The pressure can lead to frustration and depression and you guessed it, doubt in the relationship.
This perception factor resonated with me. After living in Kansas City for 30 years, my husband’s company had several downsizes and he eventually lost his job. Although we tried to stay in Kansas City where our family and friends were, we ended up having to relocate to Colorado. For my husband, he had his new job to keep him busy. I was a stay at home mom with a toddler and another one on the way, with no friends or family. Sure I made some new friends in time, but it was really hard for me to leave all of my family and good friends.
As you reflect back on your marriage did alienation of relationships play a role in your marriage? If so, how? Would love to hear your comments.
Our final perception factor we will cover next time is: Low Self-Esteem
copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser
