If you recall from the previous post, I was sharing from the book "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorce" by Joseph Warren Kniskern. I thought it was valuable for us to understand the "Big Picture" by taking a look at how our marriage relationships began. In his book, Joseph Warren Kniskern gives 5 "perception factors" that can prompt doubts in a marriage relationship and lead to divorce. The first factor was The Romance Myth. Today we continue with the second "perception factor:"
The Urge to Give Our Mates a Makeover
If you are honest, more than likely there was at least 1 or 2 (maybe more?) habits, views, or character traits that you did not particularly like about your spouse when you married them. In your conscious or subconscious mind you thought you just might be able to change them. Sometimes, we learn to live with the habit, view or trait, or we accept it, and other times we attempt to give them a makeover.
For the initiator, they may try in a variety of ways to change the other spouse to fit into their own image of them. The initiator may gradually try to control the other person, their will, and/or identity in efforts to make them change. These attempts are almost always destined to fail.
The way you view your mate and the way your mate views you is often flawed. Your personal histories, life experiences, and value judgments distort your perception. Some of us grew up unfulfilled in love. You may not realize it, but your childhood experiences with your parents and siblings often determines whom you love and how you love.
Dysfunctional families, whether it was violence, sexual abuse, alcoholism, or some other issue, leave their marks on each family member. If your parents had an unhealthy relationship, if there was disrespect, unkindness, then you inherit a negative role model for your adult relationships. As you journey through life, you will encounter rejection from peers, your bosses or teachers may judge you inferior, you are sure to face disappointment and failure, it is part of life.
All of your life experiences influence you and affect your perception of reality. As much as your spouse may think you need a makeover, or you think they need a makeover, who are you to try and change the other person? Unfortunately after the "honeymoon stage" some partners become fixated on giving their spouse a makeover. When it fails they begin to doubt the relationship.
As you look back over your marriage relationship, did you ever try to give your spouse a makeover? Did your spouse ever try to give you a makeover? If so, what happened? I would love to hear your experience, please feel free to leave a comment or email me.
The next "perception factor" we will cover is Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment
copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser
