If you have ever been on the receiving end of a request to separate or divorce, you may have been wondering to yourself "what was he/she thinking?" It was helpful to me in my healing process to learn what goes on in the mind of the initiator and how my husband could come to the point of "I am ready to move on." So often, one spouse is shocked to find out their mate wants to separate or divorce. The non-initiator can not understand why? Unfortunately by the time the initiating spouse informs their partner of their desire to separate or divorce, he/she has already given up on the marriage.

In the book When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce,"  Joseph Warren Kniskern walks us through the process in the mind of the initiator. He tells us that "subconsciously the initiator begins reacting negatively to any patterns of rigidity, alienation of affection, changing priorities, competition for time and events, and similar stresses in a marriage. Eventually these displeasure’s build until they are impossible to ignore any longer."

This process usually evolves over a period of years but can happen in just a matter of months. The initiator struggles with these thoughts as they begin to entertain the options, the morality of divorce and all the while the desire to escape is feeding on itself and growing. During this time the initiator is able to validate in his/her mind that divorce is okay.

At this point the initiator thinks the marriage is not working. Even though there may be many good things about the marriage, the initiator’s focus is on the negative, all those things that irritate and bother him/her about the non-initiator.

As the initiator magnifies the negatives, the more they are able to justify and convince themselves that the marriage is not working. The initiator is now looking for every negative imperfect behavior, attitude or action for building a case for divorce. I remember actually finding a list my husband had written of things he did not like about me and our marriage. Funny, I never found a list of positive things about me or our marriage.

At this point the initiator may begin criticizing the non-initiator of their weaknesses and faults. the non-initiator can feel nagged. If the non-initiator reacts defensively, trying to justify themselves, the initiator views it as their spouse "just will not listen to me." As this continues both drive the problem deeper, most likely refusing to discuss the issues. In the mind of the initiator they have been making mental notes, which further helps them to justify and rationalize away their guilty feelings of divorce.

Sometimes the initiator will throw themselves into their work and begin to have dreams and fantasies of life outside of the marriage, a new beginning. You know, the grass is looking greener on the other side of the street mentality.

It is often times at this point when a new love interest may enter into the picture. The desire to escape and for independence grows, as the initiator blames their spouse for the way they feel. The tension in the marriage builds, intimacy is gone, conversations are dull and boring, couples may spend less time together and argue over trivial things.

Pride may develop in the heart of the initiator as he/she feels satisfaction of being in control of their destiny. Often times the initiator has kept  the secret of ending the marriage to himself/herself. The initiator has already worked through many of the emotions that come with divorce and is ready to act. The initiator is done with the marriage. Any attempts at couples counseling are often too late and fruitless. The partners are in two completely different places emotionally.

This is when the initiator begins thinking through the details of divorce; approaching the non-initiator, how it will play out, who will leave and where they will go, how quick can they get divorced, how much will it cost…? The plans are being made in the mind of the initiator. The non-initiator still knows nothing.

I think this scenario is fairly accurate of what happened in my marriage and in so many others I hear about. The initiator has already given up on the marriage without ever telling their spouse they are unhappy or would like to "work" on some things in the marriage. How about you? Does this description of the mind of the initiator seem to be true in your situation? If you were the initiator of your divorce, would you agree or disagree that this is the process your mind went through to come to the decision to get separated or divorced? Any constructive thoughts or comments are welcome below.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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