Today I want to tell you about an upcoming teleseminar that will be given by Carrie C. Stone. I was recently introduced to Carrie Stone during a teleseminar “How to Discover Your Destiny” that she did with Lynne Lee on her Christian Coaching Cafe.

I was so  impressed with Carrie, her wisdom, excellent communication and presentation skills, her authenticity, honesty, inspirational message and desire to help others discover and live out their God-given destiny.

During the teleseminar, Carrie addressed how life is constantly changing, ever expanding, ever confusing. If you are in the process of divorce or maybe you recently completed the divorce process, you are all to familiar with change, stretching beyond your comfort zone and may have even felt some confusion along the way.

Immediately after listening to Carrie, I knew she was someone who had a message and a mission that would greatly benefit my readers. I was excited to learn about her upcoming telesminar series Four Weeks to Freedom. 

Carrie’s teleseminar series Four Weeks to Freedom is about overcoming the paralysis of fear and beginning to live the life of your dreams. I don’t know about you, but my divorce left me full of fear. I feared for my children and how divorce was going to impact their lives, I feared for the future, for finances, taking care of home maintenace and repairs, returning to the work force. If you are anything like I was, you could use help overcoming your fears. The reality is we will never get rid of fear, so why not learn some steps for handling our fear?

I believe Carrie will be sharing valuable information for anyone on their path of recovery from divorce. See if this information would be helpful to you moving forward and rebuilding your life. Here are some of the things Carrie will provide in Four Weeks to Freedom: 

If you click on Four Weeks to Freedom  you can watch a video of Carrie telling you about her teleseminar series and about her new book titled: “Fear the Four Letter Word” I encourage you to watch the brief video and decide whether this teleseminar would benefit you. You will need to act quickly, as the teleseminar series begins next week.

Satan sends fear to torment us so we will be doubtful, miserable, paralyzed, preventing us from moving forward into doing what God wants us to do, and to keep us from receiving all that God has for us. 

2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If I asked you “What are your core values?” chances are you would struggle to answer the question. You see, most people are not consciously aware of their personal core values. When we go through life changes, such as divorce, our values or the priorities of certain values can change. Let’s take a look at what I mean by core values.

Core values are not descriptions of the work we do or the strategies we employ to accomplish our mission, or purpose. Core values underlie our work, how we interact with others, and which strategies we employ to fulfill our mission, or purpose. Our core values are the basic elements of how we go about our work and life. They are the practices we use (or should be using) everyday in everything we do.

In reality when we are not fully aware of our values, we might as well be saying we are not fully aware of what is important to us. Values are the foundation of our behavior. They define what is most important to us, they are the filter we use in making decisions, they are the motivating force behind our work, our passions, our life.

When you begin to rebuild your life after divorce, begin rebuilding with your foundation. Identifying your core values and understanding the priority you place on them, are key steps in establishing your foundation. When your values are clear you can make sure they are present, or a priority, in your life. Determining your core values will help you discover who you are. In the past, your values and their priority were most likely influenced and possibly determined, by and with, your spouse.

As you take the time to explore what you value, be prepared to ask yourself if this is something you truly value or was this something your former spouse valued? You may find certain values are not important to you while others are more important to you personally.

Once you have clarity on your values, think about how and where you are living out your values in your everyday life. Do you need to make some changes to incorporate your core values or get rid of some past values? As you live your life in alignment with your values, you will experience more fulfillment.

If you need help discovering your values and rebuilding your life, I can help you with the process. Often times we need someone to come alongside of us, to ask the right questions, to guide, motivate and encourage us to move forward and hold us accountable. If you wonder whether or not life coaching is for you, feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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When your life gets turned upside down by a major life changing event, such as a divorce, you find yourself in need of a new life plan. Post divorce is a new beginning. Possibly you had dreams and goals for achieving your dreams with your spouse. Or maybe you had dreams but no plan or goals for achieving them. Some people hold onto the idea that “everything will just work out.” Yet, if you just went through a divorce, you may be realizing that life doesn’t always “just work out” like in the fairy tales.

As you begin to rebuild your life, I encourage you to take the time to think about your future. Think about the different areas in your life, for example;

• family
• relationships (dating?)
• friends
• faith
• career
• interests
• personal
• health/exercise
• volunteering/serving
• travel

When you think of these different areas give yourself permission to explore possibilities, to dream, to create a vision of how you would like these areas to look in your future. You can use different time frames, say 6 months, 1 year, 3-5 years, 10 years depending on the area. Some areas may have short term and long term visions.

Brainstorm

I suggest getting a notebook, or journal, and brainstorm. Write down your thoughts for each of the different areas that apply to you, add new ones, if you desire. This is not something to do in one sitting. Pick it up when you have time, preferably when you can get still, some place quiet. Avoid any negative thoughts or voices that tell you “you’re crazy,” “that is impossible,” “you could never do that,” “you are not smart enough,” “you will never be able to afford that..” Give yourself the freedom to write whatever comes to mind.

What Are Your Interests?

Is there an interest or hobby you had to give up when you got married or started your family? Possibly you have an interest in learning or doing some activity, sport or hobby but never had the time, money or opportunity to pursue that interest, write it down. There are no right or wrong answers here. This can be for your eyes only, unless you want to share it with someone.

Will You Have a Plan?

How will you know where you are going, or if you are headed in the right direction, if you have no idea what you want or desire in your future? Will you be happy or content if you just let life happen and take it as it comes? What if you miss out on some great opportunities, fulfilling a dream, or the chance to live out your life purpose, how will you feel?

Will Your Life be Better or Worse?

Some people get caught up in anger, self pity, holding onto the past, believing they do not deserve a good future, or feel rejected and unworthy of another relationship or marriage. Some people see their future as gloom and doom and fail to move forward. I find it sad when I hear about people who get divorced and their life never gets any better. Divorce becomes their defining moment in life. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Would You Like to Enjoy Your Future?

What if your life could be better than it ever was before? What if you discovered who you are, your life purpose and lived a fulfilling life? What if you could enjoy your future? Would you be willing to put forth some effort to make it happen? Think about the options. How do you see your future?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce, or if your divorce is final, what did you discover about your “friends” through this process? Did some people distance themselves while others drew closer to you? Were you able to determine who was truly your friend?

Divorce can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable and do not know how to handle a situation, they may avoid it all together. I often hear people say they would like to help someone going through a divorce, but do not know the best way to help. Sometimes when people distance themselves from us, it may be that they just don’t know what to do.

After divorce we no longer have a spouse, so our friends become even more important. We may rely on our friends to help us make decisions, to get another opinion, to bounce ideas off of them. If you do not have family near by, you may spend holidays with your friends and their families.

Since my children were 2 years and 4 years old when their dad moved out, I am thankful for the role my good friends and their families have played in my children’s lives. My children have been able to witness positive role models of good marriages, Christian families and intact families from our close friends.

If you have children at home, your children are watching you and the choices you make. The people we choose for friends will impact not only our lives but also our children’s lives. They will learn a lot about relationships, friendships and dating by what you model for them.

Choose your friends wisely. If you attend a Divorce Recovery group and make new friends, seek out like minded individuals. Use discernment and caution. Try to discern if the person desires to get healthy and move forward, or if the person is bitter and focused on the past. Divorce Recovery groups can be a great place to vent and process your feelings with people who can relate to your pain. However, it can be emotionally draining and unhealthy to be around people who remain stuck in the past with a negative attitude.

If you would like to read more about friends and divorce, you can read my recent Ezine article; Divorce: Who are Your Friends?

If you have an experience or thoughts on friends and divorce that you would like to share, feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Your attitude is a choice you make. You may have heard the saying “Your circumstances do not determine your attitude, it is your reaction to your circumstances that determines your attitude. If you choose to take a positive approach in difficult times, even during divorce, you can take control of your life.

A positive approach does not mean that you are “happy” about your circumstances, or that your circumstances are not difficult. A positive approach is looking at our circumstances, accepting our reality, having the courage to change the things we can control (taking action) and letting go of those things which we cannot control. A positive approach looks for good in the circumstances, the blessings, the things for which we can be thankful.

I like this essay by Charles Swindoll on the importance of having a positive attitude.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our pasts, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you- we are in charge of our attitudes.

During and after a divorce, I often see people dwelling on things for which they have no control. I admit I was guilty of focusing on things I could not control, like my ex-husband and choices he made, how he parented our children, the poor example he was setting, etc. It can take time to learn to let go of those things you cannot control and focus on those things you can control.

The next time you find yourself having a bad attitude, stop and take a reality check. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I have a bad attitude?
• Is there anything I can do to change my circumstances?
• How is this attitude serving me?
• What can I do to change my attitude?
• Is there something I need to let go of? If there is something out of your control, turn it over to God and trust Him with the outcome.
• Do I need to change my belief about my circumstances? Sometimes it is our belief about our circumstances that can affect our attitude.
• Realize that you are the one choosing your attitude. Will you continue with this attitude or choose to change your attitude?

So, how is your attitude today? Is there an area where you might need to change your attitude? What do you think you could do to change your attitude? Are you willing to take the necessary action(s) to change your attitude? If not now, when will you be ready?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Yesterday I wrote about surviving divorce. How we survive divorce will ultimately be determined by our attitude. I remember my divorce recovery leader sharing a version of the following story with our group.

A Native American boy was talking with his grandfather. “What do you think about the world situation?” he asked. The grandfather replied, “I feel like wolves are fighting in my heart. One is full of anger and hatred; the other is full of love, forgiveness and peace.” “Which one will win?” asked the boy. To which the grandfather replied, “The one I feed.” (Origin Unknown)

During and after divorce, people often struggle with anger, hurt, rejection, betrayal, possibly hatred toward/from their former spouse. If you find yourself focusing on these feelings, how long do you plan to harbor them? Have you given any thought as to when you will let them go, or change your focus? Do you realize that what you focus on, what you think about, is what you become?

The alternative after divorce would be to feed the wolf of forgiveness, hope, comfort, peace, acceptance, love (God, self, others), healing, learning, growing, moving forward, self discovery and purpose. If we focus on these things, on positive things, we will get positive results.

I imagine you are familiar with the law of sowing and reaping. If you think about your thoughts as seeds that you are planting, what kind of seeds are you planting? If you are planting crabapple seeds, do not expect to reap Granny Smith  apples. You will reap the fruit of the thoughts you have sown.

In Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s best selling classic The Power of Positive Thinking he wrote:

“Learn to expect, not to doubt. In doing so you bring everything into the realm of possibility…It is amazing how a sustained expectation of the best sets the forces in motion which cause the best to materialize.”

I like this quote from Henry Ford;

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t . . . you’re right.”

If you focus on defeating thoughts, revenge, self-pity, dwell on your marriage, your former spouse, things you cannot control, you can expect to remain stuck, sad and miserable. On the other hand, if you will focus on what you have learned from this experience, healing, the opportunity to discover “Who you are,” what you can control, deepening your relationship with God, seeking His will and purpose for your life, expecting good things to happen, you can anticipate peace, joy, fulfillment, a sense of purpose, love, and hope for your future.

Over the next  week, try to capture your thoughts. Make an effort to think about what you are thinking about. Ask yourself, is this where I want my focus to be? If not, replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. It is not enough to simply stop the negative thoughts. You must replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations.

You are always welcome to share your thoughts or experiences below. Blessings to you as you purposely focus on what you desire for your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Have you ever had someone share a secret with you? Possibly something happened in your community and you happened to be friends with the person(s) involved, or had inside connections to the “event” that happened. You were informed of the details by the source or victim of the event. Then a neighbor mentions the event to you based on the rumors going around. When you hear the rumors, you realize how much it differs from the truth.

Have you ever noticed in the absence of information that people will often make up their own story or assumptions? We see this a lot with celebrities and the tabloids. You just can’t believe everything you hear.

Have you ever had someone make untrue accusations about you? If it was someone you did not know very well or may not place much value on their opinion, you may have been able to easily brush it off. But what if it was someone who knows you fairly well, a close friend, or worse yet your spouse? It might not be so easy to brush it off.

In fact, their accusation may cause you to re-evaluate the statement and ask yourself, could this be true? After all when someone close to us, who we tend to share our hearts and allow to know us more intimately makes a negative comment about us, we take it personally. A negative comment can cut us to our core and cause us to doubt our value and self worth.

If you are going through a divorce or recently divorced, did this happen to you in your marriage? When a marriage begins to break down, the initiator of the divorce can develop a negative perspective of their partner and marriage. The initiator’s focus can be only on the negative. Before long the initiating partner can begin making negative statements to their partner. This can take place over a period of months or years.

Over time the initiating spouse can convince themselves their negative perceptions are true about their spouse. The more negative attributes they can find in their spouse helps them to justify their desire to leave the marriage. In the process of convincing themselves, the initiating spouse may also convince their partner the negative comments or perceived imperfections are true.

If your former spouse made negative comments about you, your character, your personality, take time for a reality check. Don’t believe everything you heard. Understand that many of the negative or derogatory comments directed towards you are not true. Consider the source, the mindset of your former spouse at the time. It is quite possible the statements have no validity or truth.

If you are interested in reading more about this topic, read my recent Ezine article Post Divorce: Recognizing and Dealing with Untrue Accusations

Divorce brings enough pain and rejection. At a time when your self worth and value are at an all time low it is easy to believe such negative statements. Take the time during your Divorce Recovery to discover the truth. Ask yourself and others close to you,  if there is any truth to the negative statements? Is there something you need to address? Are there behaviors, thoughts or actions you may want to change in the future? Or were the statements not valid, stemming from your former spouse’s guilt, hurt, anger and/or insecurity? Don’t automatically believe everything you hear!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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I often hear people use the terms Coaching and Counseling interchangeably. Coaching and Counseling are similar in that they typically involve one on one relationships focused on personal growth. The difference is Counseling involves diagnosing a client’s emotional or psychological state and helping a client become whole. Counseling looks at the whole person, past influences, present experiences and future aspirations to create awareness and help the client evolve personally.

Coaching on the other hand pushes a client to set goals and take action to solve the problem on their own. Coaching improves the quality of life by focusing on creating a better future. Coaching is not focused on fixing the past.

Both Coaching and Counseling are valid, useful and different methods for achieving personal growth. I would venture to say that most people going through a divorce could benefit from Counseling. Divorce can be emotionally devastating.  A good counselor can help a person going through divorce understand how they contributed to the break down in their marriage, deal with past issues from childhood, understand their communication and/or personality styles and how these factors affected their marriage relationship. A Counselor can help a person work through issues, address areas where the person may need to change, possibly understand their partner better, while providing support and encouragement.

Coaching sessions have an agenda, there are clear expectations and concrete goals. Coaches give very little advice and make few suggestions. Coaching is focused on motivating the client to make a change. Change is more of a function of being motivated than receiving information. A coach asks questions, listens to the client and encourages people to come up with their own solutions. A coach is a change expert who holds a client accountable, as they support and encourage a client to make desired changes. When we are held accountable, we are more likely to make changes.

Divorce is a life changing event. Processing and dealing with all of the changes can be overwhelming. A coach can help by asking questions, prompt you to go deeper, figure out what you truly want and desire. Once you determine what you want or desire, a coach can help you develop the appropriate action steps to achieve your goals.

Divorce is a time for discovery. Rediscovering “who” you are, “who” you were created to be, your life purpose, defining your values, aligning your life with what you value and living out your life purpose. Your marriage may have ended, but your life is not over. God can still use you and has a plan B for your life.

You are not destined to a life of misery because your marriage ended. Now is the perfect time to discover your destiny in life and start living it. Living out your destiny will bring fulfillment, blessings and joy.

I hope this post clarifies the difference between Coaching and Counseling. If you have any further questions about the two, please send me an email or leave a comment in the section below and I will be happy to respond.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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I hope you like the new look of A Hope Filled Future. I have been in the process of switching my blog platform to Blogi360. To some of you I know that means nothing and that is okay. I look forward to the greater flexibility, options and opportunities provided by Blogi360.

The look of A Hope Filled Future will continue to evolve as I learn more about the various options and capabilities of Blogi360. I believe Blogi360 will allow me to better serve my community.

I want to take this opportunity to invite you to submit any questions, ideas or topics that you would like me to address here on my blog. Is there a particular area where you are struggling with moving forward after your divorce? Do you have a question about ideas on how to handle some area of transitioning to single life? Single parenting? Do you wonder if other people have the same issue(s) you do? I invite you to send me an email at: shelley@ahopefilledfuture.com, or leave a comment below. I am happy to answer your questions or address your concerns.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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