If thIs is your first “Valentine’s Day” as a single person in a while, getting through the holiday can be challenging. It is difficult not to be bombarded with messages and images of couples in love everywhere you go. I wonder when (if ever) did you have a perfectly romantic Valentines Day experience like the ones portrayed in the media? May be it is just me?

How many people do you think are disappointed each year when their love interest does not meet their expectations? How many people do you think give or do something out of obligation or expectation, rather than the motive of expressing their true love for another person on Valentines Day? Valentines Day marketing can lead people to believe if they are not in a relationship, they are in the minority, they might even be unlovable.

When people go through divorce it is not unusual for them to feel unlovable, especially around Valentine’s Day. I am here to tell you that “YOU are Lovable!” If your marriage has ended in divorce, that does not make you “unlovable.” I encourage you  to have a true perspective this Valentines Day. If Valentines Day is all about “love” is love limited to romantic relationships?

The true perspective is “You are lovable!” The truth is love gives life meaning and purpose. The world is looking for love, but what they are really looking for is God. God is love. 

The world would have us believe that we will find fulfillment in life through romantic relationships, money, material things, status, our appearance. Yet people who achieve these things are often left empty, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed.

It is actually when we walk in love, that we will find true fulfillment in life. When we walk in love we put love into action. We get the focus off of ourselves and reach out to others. It is not self seeking. Self seeking means you do something for others seeking something in return.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. (John 13:34). I am not suggesting that you send your ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse a Valentine. I would suggest that you take this Valentines Day and reach out to someone you love. This could be your children, your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbor. Is there someone who has blessed you lately, who has helped you through your divorce that you might want to bless? Even though you may not be in the mood to celebrate Valentines Day this year, why not take the time to show some appreciation or love to other people this Valentines Day?

Blessing others can be therapeutic. When we bless others (show them love) we often feel blessed in the process. Focus on who you love and appreciate this Valentines Day, and make your mind up to bless at least one other person.

God loves you everyday, all day. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. Receive the love He has for you and go share it with somebody else. You are God’s Valentine today and every day.

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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I wonder where you are in the divorce process? Are you in the state of shock? denial? devastation, barely able to function? Maybe you are going through the motions of the divorce process, feeling numb to life? Possibly you have reached a point of just wanting the divorce to be final, you are tired and worn out? It could be that your divorce is final and you are craving some peace, comfort, restoration and healing from the battle.

Today I want to encourage you to persevere through the valley. I know it hurts. I understand the pain and the brokenness. Going through the process can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. Some days you may have wondered is it worth it? Yes, it is.

I want you to understand that there is hope. Life will get better if you decide to persevere and not remain in the valley. It takes time. You need to take it one step at a time, allowing yourself to grieve, to learn from this experience, to grow and to heal. We live in a world of instant gratification. Pain is uncomfortable, so we often look for ways to eliminate it or move on too quickly.

As a word of caution, avoiding the pain, looking and/or finding someone else without going through the grieving, healing and restoring process is not persevering through the valley. Moving on without doing your work only leads to problems in future relationships.

Another word of caution on the flip side, avoid becoming comfortable with your pain and remaining in the valley. Have you ever known someone who got divorced and never recovered? This is the person who blames their former spouse for leaving them, possibly having an affair, for ruining their life and their future. This person ends up living with a victim mentality, embracing self pity. For them it is safer and more comfortable to live with the pain than to take responsibility for their life and risk moving forward.

Another scenario of remaining in the valley can be when someone has hopes to one day reconcile or remarry their former spouse. A person can remain stuck hanging onto their hope, without doing their work. The most successful reconciliations occur when the two people have done their work and become healthy individuals. People do remarry and I think it is wonderful when a couple can reconcile. Again, I want to stress the importance of going through the valley, doing your work without avoiding it.

If you are in the beginning or middle of your divorce process, I want to encourage you to pay attention to the mistakes people can make by choosing to avoid the pain, or on the other end of the spectrum, choosing to remain in the valley with their pain. Determine to persevere through the pain. Determine to do your work now so you can become a healthy person.

It is never too late. If you have been divorced for awhile, maybe it has been years, and you feel like you are stuck in the valley, it is never too late to rise up on the other side. After divorce, people can press forward through the motions of life only to wake up and discover they are merely existing. They realize they want more out of life. If this sounds like you, take comfort. It is never too late to begin again.

You might be saying to yourself, Shelley, I appreciate you encouraging me to persevere through the valley, but persevering is hard. In my next post I will share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

If you would like to read more about this topic you can read my recent ezine; Divorce: Will You Rise Up from the Valley?  It is my prayer for you, that you will make your mind up to go through the valley and determine to rise up and come out on the other side. God still has a great purpose for you.

Jermiah 29:11 says; “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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My previous post was directed to single parents with regard to children going on vacation with their other parent. As my children left on vacation this past week with their father, many thoughts came to mind that I wanted to share with you.

In my last post I explained how I had dreamed of taking my children to Disney World as a family. I mentioned how crushed I was when my ex-husband was the one who took our children to Disney World for the first time. It just so happens my children are currently vacationing in Florida. You see, their grandmother bought a condo in Florida several years ago. So, once again my children will be visiting the Disney World theme parks. This may be their 4th or 5th visit to Orlando.

As I reflect back, it was tough letting go of the Disney World hopes and dream. To this day,  I do not believe my children have any idea how painful it was for me not to experience Disney World with them as young children. I have had to accept that Disney World vacations and memories will be with their dad.

On the other hand, my children and I have vacations we take that are special to us. My sister and brother-in-law live on a farm in Kansas. My kids love going to the farm and exploring the many opportunities the country and farm provide. Last summer my children and I went to the Night Vision festival on the western slope of Colorado. Night Vision is a two day contemporary Christian music festival. It is not likely that their father would choose to attend such an event.

The point I want to make is that children of divorce can end up getting a broader variety of experiences. If my ex-husband and I were still married, attending the Night Vision festival and Contemporary Christian concerts probably would not happen.  Children of divorce may have the opportunity to take more vacations because of their family situation. Also, when you are the decision maker, your choice of vacation may be different as a single parent than it was as a married couple.

For those of you with young children, sending your children off on vacation with the other parent does become easier over time. For my children, their “normal” family vacation has been separate vacations with each parent. Although this is not what I would have ever wished for my children/family, it is our reality. Their father has taken them on vacation to places I probably would not choose to take them. Yet, they enjoyed the trip and the experience.

My advice to you as a single parent;

• Think of your children. Is there something you can do to help them have a good/better attitude about taking a trip, if they do not want to go?
• Put your feelings aside. Show them a good attitude.
• Ask yourself what you can do to support and encourage your children, to enjoy their vacation with the other parent.
• Reassure them that you will be okay while they are away. Some children worry about the parent not going on the trip.
  

For more information on how you can support your children when they go on vacation with the other parent, you can read my Ezine article; Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex. This article provides ideas on what you can do and need to do for your children when they take vacation with their other parent.

Next time, I will share some final thoughts on children and vacations. In the meantime, should you have any ideas or comment you would like to share, please feel free to post them below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Have you ever had someone share a secret with you? Possibly something happened in your community and you happened to be friends with the person(s) involved, or had inside connections to the “event” that happened. You were informed of the details by the source or victim of the event. Then a neighbor mentions the event to you based on the rumors going around. When you hear the rumors, you realize how much it differs from the truth.

Have you ever noticed in the absence of information that people will often make up their own story or assumptions? We see this a lot with celebrities and the tabloids. You just can’t believe everything you hear.

Have you ever had someone make untrue accusations about you? If it was someone you did not know very well or may not place much value on their opinion, you may have been able to easily brush it off. But what if it was someone who knows you fairly well, a close friend, or worse yet your spouse? It might not be so easy to brush it off.

In fact, their accusation may cause you to re-evaluate the statement and ask yourself, could this be true? After all when someone close to us, who we tend to share our hearts and allow to know us more intimately makes a negative comment about us, we take it personally. A negative comment can cut us to our core and cause us to doubt our value and self worth.

If you are going through a divorce or recently divorced, did this happen to you in your marriage? When a marriage begins to break down, the initiator of the divorce can develop a negative perspective of their partner and marriage. The initiator’s focus can be only on the negative. Before long the initiating partner can begin making negative statements to their partner. This can take place over a period of months or years.

Over time the initiating spouse can convince themselves their negative perceptions are true about their spouse. The more negative attributes they can find in their spouse helps them to justify their desire to leave the marriage. In the process of convincing themselves, the initiating spouse may also convince their partner the negative comments or perceived imperfections are true.

If your former spouse made negative comments about you, your character, your personality, take time for a reality check. Don’t believe everything you heard. Understand that many of the negative or derogatory comments directed towards you are not true. Consider the source, the mindset of your former spouse at the time. It is quite possible the statements have no validity or truth.

If you are interested in reading more about this topic, read my recent Ezine article Post Divorce: Recognizing and Dealing with Untrue Accusations

Divorce brings enough pain and rejection. At a time when your self worth and value are at an all time low it is easy to believe such negative statements. Take the time during your Divorce Recovery to discover the truth. Ask yourself and others close to you,  if there is any truth to the negative statements? Is there something you need to address? Are there behaviors, thoughts or actions you may want to change in the future? Or were the statements not valid, stemming from your former spouse’s guilt, hurt, anger and/or insecurity? Don’t automatically believe everything you hear!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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How much do you communicate with your ex-spouse? Often? Not much? More than you like? If you have children living at home or in college, chances are you need to communicate with your former spouse. If you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse, then communication may not be an issue for you.

For many divorced couples, there can be tension and stress when they have to communicate with each other. Or possibly you can get along with the typical day to day activity, but when it comes to making changes in the schedule, or certain decisions about the children, finances, etc. then the communication becomes stressed.

Typically the younger the children the more the parents have to communicate. Older children can speak up and voice their opinions and communicate basic information from one parent to another. This can reduce the need for parents to communicate.

If you and your former spouse have a hard time communicating with each other, regardless of the age of the children, do not put the burden of communicating non-basic information on them. Thanks to technology today, you can use email, voice mail or texting to communicate with your ex-spouse without having to speak with them directly.

Realize that initially when your divorce is fresh, emotions can be running high, communication may be more stressful or tense. As time goes by and you transition into your roles as single parents, communication may become easier. Do not be surprised if you experience periods where communication seems to be fine, followed by bumps in the road.

As parenting decisions arise, you may discover that you and your former spouse do not agree on how to handle various situations. If necessary get a third party involved to help you reach an agreement on how to handle a situation. Be sure to keep the kid’s best interest in mind. Decisions should not be based on revenge, anger, or your need to “win” over the other parent.

For more information on communicating with your ex, you can read my ezine article; Divorce: Tips for Communicating with Your Ex-Spouse When the Relationship is Stressed.

If you are a single parent with children living at home, the reality is that you will have to communicate with your former spouse. Understand you have no control over how your ex-spouse communicates, only how you communicate. Here are a few suggestions to keep mind:

• Avoid addressing issues when you are angry or upset with your former spouse.
• Allow yourself time to cool down and then respond.
• Disregard any negative or belittling comments made by the other spouse and stick to the facts or issue at hand.
• If a response is required, respond in a timely fashion.
• If needed, discuss the issue with a trusted friend or knowledgeable person to gain insight, another opinion or different perspective prior to responding. Sometimes talking through an issue with someone else will help you process the issue, gain better understanding, come up with different or more options.
• Try to be diplomatic in your response or presentation of an issue.
• Despite how your former spouse may be treating you, treat them the way you would like to be treated.
• When you respond in retaliation or revenge, you stoop to their level and give them more information to use against you.

I hope this information will be helpful to you as you learn to communicate with your former spouse in a new way. If you have any suggestions or comments on communication that you would like to share with others, feel free to leave a comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you have recently become a single parent, this may be your first year to plan a summer vacation with just you and the children. If you have relocated from where you grew up, maybe you spend your summer vacations traveling back home to visit relatives and friends.

If you and your former spouse are from the same area, traveling back home for the first time can be awkward. My former husband and I both have family in Kansas City. I remember when I first took the kids back to visit my family and friends. At the time, when the separation/divorce was fresh it was a bit uncomfortable to go spend time with my in-laws.

My children were rather young so they pretty much went with the flow of wherever I would take them. I felt obligated to take my children to visit their other grandmother, aunt and uncle. Living in Colorado, my children had limited opportunities to see their relatives. I think it is important for them to know their relatives.

I recall contacting my mother-in-law and scheduling a time when she could have the kids for a few hours and have her daughter and son-in-law over to see them as well. I knew that in the future when their father would take the children to Kansas City, I would want my family to have the opportunity to see them.

Even though it was uncomfortable and not something I “really” wanted to do, I did it for the children and the relatives. Sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside and do what is best for the children and your former relatives. Your former relatives are still your children’s relatives.

If your summer travels take you where your former relatives are located, will you take the children to see their relatives? I understand every-one’s situation is unique. If possible, do what you can to arrange for your children to be able to visit their relatives, despite how you may feel.

For information on Planning A Summer Vacation as a Single Parent, click on the highlighted title to read my recent Ezine article. Feel free to leave comments, share experiences, or ask questions below concerning children and maintaining relationships with relatives and friends.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights reserved.

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Forgiveness, this may not be a subject you want to talk about during or after a divorce. You may be saying to yourself, “Divorce is challenging enough. I am emotionally drained. Now I am suppose to forgive him/her? You must be kidding!”

Divorce is painful. One spouse may feel the other spouse is to blame because they were unfaithful, abusive, neglected the marriage, suffered from an addiction and refused to get help, or do the work for recovery. More than likely there is some degree of hurt and pain experienced by both spouses.

At some point when the dust settles, the divorce is final, and you are left to create a new life. What does that look like for you? How will you move forward? What will you do with the betrayal and injustice you feel?

Will you seek revenge? Will you hold onto the anger and bitterness you feel? Will you ignore the feelings, hoping that they will get better in time? You may continue to have contact with your former spouse (if children are involved) that feeds your hurt and pain? Does this just further confirm your right to be angry?

If your vision for your future includes being healthy both physically and emotionally, you will need to deal with your feelings of hurt, pain, anger, bitterness, and resentment. You will have a choice to make. Will you choose to forgive or not to forgive your former spouse? Not making a choice is still a choice.

For more information on forgiveness, I have written a couple of Ezine articles. You can read them by clicking on the titles.

Forgiveness Part 1; Forgiveness is a Choice

Forgiveness Part 2; How Can I Possibly Forgive My Former Spouse?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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As you know, I have been sharing from the book When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce,”  by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Even if you are not a Christian, I think you would still find valuable insight from this book. I wish that I had found Mr. Kniskern’s book when I was going through my divorce or during my separation. When I was going through the initial discovery of our marriage problems,  I remember saying to my husband, What, you’re not happy? Let’s go to counseling, we can work through this, everything will be okay. In reality, it was already over. Yes, I was the unsuspecting accomplice, Joseph Warren Kniskern writes about.

I wonder if any of the information I have been sharing has helped you in understanding the break up in your marriage? I wonder for myself if I was in such denial that reading about the “Big Picture” from Mr. Kniskern, would I have been able to see this as clearly as I do now? I remember how frustrating it was to be willing to do “whatever” to make our marriage work and not understanding how this person I married could be so unwilling to put forth any effort to save our marriage. At the time it made no sense to me.

Since my divorce I have heard this same story over and over again. Couples who have been married for years, even decades where one spouse wants out of the marriage, by the time they inform the unsuspecting spouse they are already done with the marriage. I can’t say that I truly understand or agree with the initiators behavior/actions, rather I have gained an awareness of the initiator’s mindset.

Today let’s look at the denial mind set of the non-initiating spouse. If you recall, at this point the initiating spouse has decided he/she wants out of the marriage and is planning their escape, anticipating how the other spouse will take it, who will move out, how quickly can they get divorced, etc. While the non-initiating spouse suspects nothing, other than maybe a little marital stress.

Joseph Warren Kniskern states: “Why do so many problems pass by completely unnoticed by the non-initiator? Perception factors affecting non-initiators are part of the reason, but there are some other significant differences. Non-initiators, for example, may settle into marriage roles that are more comfortable and secure regardless of how their mates feel. The non-initiator may be a weaker marriage partner in communication and intimacy. He or she may view the marriage more as an institution to be preserved rather than a dynamic relationship. Confrontation can be deflected by interruptions or distractions. The non-initiator may externalize and depersonalize matters more to avoid any introspection about serious difficulties.”

One scenario of a typical non-initiator could be the husband who is the successful businessman providing for his family. The wife may be a homemaker. She provides a clean house, homemade meals and shuttles the kids to and from school and their respective activities. The husband arrives home wanting to sit down and read the paper or watch the news, uninterrupted. The wife may be looking forward to talking to her husband or need to discuss things concerning her, the children or the family. The husband is tired after a long stressful day at the office and not very interested or attentive to her needs. The husband feels like he is doing his job by providing for the family. The wife feels her needs are being neglected.

The wife becomes frustrated as her need for communication, emotional support and intimacy are not being met. She is trying to get his attention, but her husband does not understand. If she becomes pushy, he may take out his frustrations with work out on her. The wife’s unmet needs are not satisfied by the “comforts of a home” or the fact that the husband is “providing.”  Her thoughts may be if her husband was not so centered on himself he would notice something might be wrong.

Mr. Kniskern says that apathy is the most damaging flaw of the non-initiator. He says that he or she does not care enough to act. I am not sure I completely agree with that statement. I don’t think it is always a matter of not caring. I think it can be more avoidance of an issue, hoping that the problem or stress will pass or go away. Perhaps it is the fear to confront. Never the less, needs are not being met, communication is certainly not effective or productive. The marriage partners grow apart. They live in the same home, share the same bed, coexist together, yet the marriage is not being nurtured.

“When the initiator confronts the non-initiator with problems, denial is quite often immediate. “You can’t be right. We love each other.” If a problem is acknowledged, the non-initiator is convinced that everything can be easily resolved.” Does this sound familiar to any of you? How about you, were you willing to negotiate away problems and able to tolerate circumstances that your spouse found intolerable? When your spouse raised his/her complaints did you dismiss them as trivial, nothing really serious? If you were the non-initiator did you believe and see only what you wanted to see and then ignored or denied the rest?

If you were the non-initiator, when you reflect back, did your spouse attempt to revitalize your marriage at some point and did you ignore their effort? If so, then I suspect you were shocked when your spouse informed you he/she wanted a divorce. At that point you were ready to do whatever, but it was too late.

As I reflect back on my experience, I would have to say that my husband had pretty much checked out when he made a brief attempt to change something in our marriage. Shortly after that he informed me he was not happy. A broken marriage relationship is always complicated. We may never get the answers to questions we have for our former spouse. We may never understand exactly why it happened. When we find ourselves divorced we have two choices, we can accept our new reality and move forward with our life, or we can remain living in the past, wondering if only…., and blaming our former spouse for ruining our life. What have you chosen?

I would be interested in hearing if you can relate to Mr. Kniskern’s description of the non-initiator’s mindset. Did any of this information resonate with you? Has this information helped you in any way to understand your own situation? Please feel free to comment below.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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