If you are a parent going through divorce or recently divorced, how did you explain the change in your family dynamics to your children? Do they understand what is happening to their family? Depending on the age of your children, the concept of divorce can be difficult to grasp.

Children may wonder if it is their fault their parents are divorcing? Why is their family changing? Does this change who I am? Younger children in particular who identify themselves mostly with their parents, family, friends and school may struggle with how divorce affects their identity.

When Lori Hilliard found herself going through a divorce she searched for resources to help her explain to her 5 year old son, Joshua, what was happening to their family and what it meant to him and his siblings. Lori states that she “found several wonderful books published on the subject of divorce, but they mostly featured make believe characters like talking teddy bears.”

Lori says she wanted a real child’s face for Joshua to see and identify with that would help him understand that other real children had been through a divorce and that it was not just a made up “character” story. Failure to find such a book led Lori to write the book, Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family . In her book, Lori uses actual photo’s of her children, herself and her ex-husband, to beautifully  illustrate her book and make it real. Her goal in writing Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family   is to help children understand that divorce is not their fault. Lori wants them to know just how much they are loved, despite the change in their family dynamics.

This book is written as a story by her 5 year old son, Joshua, explaining who he is and where he lives, his two homes, his family members and pets. At the end of the book there are pages for your child/children to tell their story. You will find a place for your children to put photos of themselves, mom, dad, their family, and things they like to do. At the very end of the book there is a place for each parent to write what they think about or love about the child or children, along with a signature line for both mom and dad to sign.

If you have children between the ages of 2 and 10, I would highly recommend you get Lori’s book. After I read Lori’s book written from a child’s perspective, using real life pictures, it made me wish she had written it 10 years ago. My children were 3 and 5 when their father chose the path of divorce. I think of how helpful this would have been to explain to our children what was happening to their family dynamics and what it meant to them.

THANK YOU, Lori, for taking the initiative to create such a valuable resource for children of divorce. Anyone who has been through, or is going through, a divorce knows what a devastating time it is in the life of a family. This book is an easy and incredible tool to use. It will help you reassure your children of just how much they are loved. Well done, Lori Hilliard!

If you would like to read an article about, Lori Hilliard, click here.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a single parent with young children, it can be difficult to send your children off on vacation with your ex-spouse. I remember how difficult it was the first time my children left for vacation with their dad. My children were particularly young at 3 and 5 years.

If you are like me, your dream of having a family probably included the idea of taking family vacations. I looked forward to the day we could experience new places, take road trips and fly with our children. I wanted to be there with my children as they encountered new places and experienced activities for the first time.

I understand how heart breaking it can be to feel deprived of getting to experience all the excitement and adventure of family vacations with your children. This is an aspect of divorce that can be difficult to accept.

As a child I never had the opportunity to go to Disneyland or Disney World. I experienced Disney World as a young adult when one of my friends moved to Tampa, Florida. One of my dreams was to one day, as a family, take my children to Disney World.

I can still recall the pain I felt when my ex-husband decided to take our children to Disney World. The kids were a little older maybe 4 and 6 years old. In my eyes, he was about to crush yet another one of my dreams. He was taking our children to Disney World.

My ex husband was about to experience our children’s initial reactions, witness their surprise, and share their joy of being surrounded by life size Disney characters. For me, taking my children to Disney World for the second time would just not be the same. The much awaited anticipation, the high expectations, the element of surprise and wonder would be gone.

Letting go of dreams can be a painful process. What can make it even more challenging is when we have to cover it up for the sake of others. If you are in the process of divorce or recently divorced you may be tired of letting go of your dreams. It can be exhausting covering up how you really “feel” in front of your children, I know. I have struggled with this myself.

As hard as it may be, for the sake of your children, I encourage you to be supportive of vacation plans, and time spent with the other parent. In the best interest of your children, avoid letting them know how sad, hurt, jealous, and/or angry you may feel about a vacation they are preparing to take with the other spouse.

Respect the fact that this is a time for them to vacation with the other parent. Realize, the children may feel as awkward going without you, as you may feel not going. Turn the tables and think about how you will want your ex-spouse to support you when you take the children on vacation. Sort of that “do unto others as you would want them to do unto you” rule.

Children naturally would prefer to go on vacation as a family, especially when they are young. I remember my children telling me how they wished I would have been on the trip to Orlando with them and their dad.

If you are recently divorced, young children may still be trying to figure out their new family dynamics. In their mind, they may perceive your not going as you do not want to go. Your children want and desire your approval and support. If they sense your disapproval or resentment of them going on vacation with the other parent, you may spoil and/or impact their vacation experience.

Also, young children can have issues of separation from one or both parents. The thought of leaving a parent behind for a week or several days can be stressful to them. In situations such as this, the child(ren) need reassurance and encouragement from you that both of you will be okay.

If you have any comments or stories you would like to share related to this topic, please free to leave them in the comment section below. Thank You!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are recently divorced or going through a divorce, be sure to take time to enjoy your children this summer. Going through a divorce can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when there are children at home. No doubt, you have had less energy to offer your children.

Summertime has so much to offer in the way of festivals, outdoor concerts, sports, and activities. This can be a great time to get the kids involved with planning and researching (depending on ages) things to do.

Possibly you saw the movie last year called, “Bucket List” with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. The characters they play meet while sharing a room in the hospital. They are both battling serious illnesses. The two men create a list of things they want to do before they die, or “kick the bucket”. The movie covers their quest to accomplish the items on their bucket list.

A bucket list is really like a list of goals you would like to accomplish. Why not create a Summer Bucket List of things you would like to do this summer with your kids?

In my recent Ezine article, Divorce Advice: Create a Summer Bucket List I have provided ideas and resources for creating a summer bucket list.

Below you will find four easy steps to help you get started with your list:

1. Have each child and yourself come up with 2-5 things you would like to do this summer. You may need to provide guidelines for what is realistic and reasonable.
2. Have each person rank their ideas from most important/desirable to least important/desirable.
3. Once everyone has prepared their list, create a master list. Similar ideas may be able to be combined.
4. Get out a calendar and write in the date(s) for the activities or events that have specific dates. For the other activities try and plan out possible dates with your calendar.

You may want to post the Summer Bucket List on your refrigerator or somewhere convenient, to remind you of the dates and ideas. By creating a Summer Bucket List with your children, everyone is involved and gets to contribute. When you have a list and a plan, you are more likely to follow through and make it happen. Also, the list of activities can give you and your children something to be excited about and look forward to doing together.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the many things you have to do as a single parent. The list of all the things you need to do and should do can be endless. I still struggle with letting things wait and allowing myself to have fun with the kids.

Another reason to do a Summer Bucket List, after  going through a divorce people can have a tendency to avoid getting out. Having a list of things to do will help you be more intentional about getting out.

Be sure to give yourself permission to enjoy your children and spend time with them this summer. Time together can be healing and rewarding for all of you. As always, feel free to leave any comments or ideas below. Love to hear from you.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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