I wonder where you are in the divorce process? Are you in the state of shock? denial? devastation, barely able to function? Maybe you are going through the motions of the divorce process, feeling numb to life? Possibly you have reached a point of just wanting the divorce to be final, you are tired and worn out? It could be that your divorce is final and you are craving some peace, comfort, restoration and healing from the battle.

Today I want to encourage you to persevere through the valley. I know it hurts. I understand the pain and the brokenness. Going through the process can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. Some days you may have wondered is it worth it? Yes, it is.

I want you to understand that there is hope. Life will get better if you decide to persevere and not remain in the valley. It takes time. You need to take it one step at a time, allowing yourself to grieve, to learn from this experience, to grow and to heal. We live in a world of instant gratification. Pain is uncomfortable, so we often look for ways to eliminate it or move on too quickly.

As a word of caution, avoiding the pain, looking and/or finding someone else without going through the grieving, healing and restoring process is not persevering through the valley. Moving on without doing your work only leads to problems in future relationships.

Another word of caution on the flip side, avoid becoming comfortable with your pain and remaining in the valley. Have you ever known someone who got divorced and never recovered? This is the person who blames their former spouse for leaving them, possibly having an affair, for ruining their life and their future. This person ends up living with a victim mentality, embracing self pity. For them it is safer and more comfortable to live with the pain than to take responsibility for their life and risk moving forward.

Another scenario of remaining in the valley can be when someone has hopes to one day reconcile or remarry their former spouse. A person can remain stuck hanging onto their hope, without doing their work. The most successful reconciliations occur when the two people have done their work and become healthy individuals. People do remarry and I think it is wonderful when a couple can reconcile. Again, I want to stress the importance of going through the valley, doing your work without avoiding it.

If you are in the beginning or middle of your divorce process, I want to encourage you to pay attention to the mistakes people can make by choosing to avoid the pain, or on the other end of the spectrum, choosing to remain in the valley with their pain. Determine to persevere through the pain. Determine to do your work now so you can become a healthy person.

It is never too late. If you have been divorced for awhile, maybe it has been years, and you feel like you are stuck in the valley, it is never too late to rise up on the other side. After divorce, people can press forward through the motions of life only to wake up and discover they are merely existing. They realize they want more out of life. If this sounds like you, take comfort. It is never too late to begin again.

You might be saying to yourself, Shelley, I appreciate you encouraging me to persevere through the valley, but persevering is hard. In my next post I will share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

If you would like to read more about this topic you can read my recent ezine; Divorce: Will You Rise Up from the Valley?  It is my prayer for you, that you will make your mind up to go through the valley and determine to rise up and come out on the other side. God still has a great purpose for you.

Jermiah 29:11 says; “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce, or if your divorce is final, what did you discover about your “friends” through this process? Did some people distance themselves while others drew closer to you? Were you able to determine who was truly your friend?

Divorce can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable and do not know how to handle a situation, they may avoid it all together. I often hear people say they would like to help someone going through a divorce, but do not know the best way to help. Sometimes when people distance themselves from us, it may be that they just don’t know what to do.

After divorce we no longer have a spouse, so our friends become even more important. We may rely on our friends to help us make decisions, to get another opinion, to bounce ideas off of them. If you do not have family near by, you may spend holidays with your friends and their families.

Since my children were 2 years and 4 years old when their dad moved out, I am thankful for the role my good friends and their families have played in my children’s lives. My children have been able to witness positive role models of good marriages, Christian families and intact families from our close friends.

If you have children at home, your children are watching you and the choices you make. The people we choose for friends will impact not only our lives but also our children’s lives. They will learn a lot about relationships, friendships and dating by what you model for them.

Choose your friends wisely. If you attend a Divorce Recovery group and make new friends, seek out like minded individuals. Use discernment and caution. Try to discern if the person desires to get healthy and move forward, or if the person is bitter and focused on the past. Divorce Recovery groups can be a great place to vent and process your feelings with people who can relate to your pain. However, it can be emotionally draining and unhealthy to be around people who remain stuck in the past with a negative attitude.

If you would like to read more about friends and divorce, you can read my recent Ezine article; Divorce: Who are Your Friends?

If you have an experience or thoughts on friends and divorce that you would like to share, feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I wanted to share some additional thoughts on single parenting and vacations. If you read my Ezine article Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex I mentioned several ideas of what you can do to help young children feel at ease about going on vacation with the other parent. Realize it can be difficult for young children to leave one parent, to go on vacation with the other parent.

Additional Food for Thought on Vacations with Your Children:

Don’t make it a competition with the other parent. Vacations should not be about who can out do the other one. Do not fall into the trap of trying to “buy” your children’s love. He who spends the most money, does not always win. Children are more perceptive than you think.

Think of the children. What vacation will be most enjoyable for them? Consider distance, length of time you will be gone, activities, and what is appropriate for the age of your children. Check your motive? Is this a vacation “you” want to take and you are trying to convince yourself that the kids will enjoy it, too? Is it a vacation planned with the best interest of the children, or are you better off taking this trip with another adult, or possibly when the children are older?

Quality Time. Choose a vacation that allows you to spend quality time with your children. How often do you hear about vacations where the highlight of the vacation is swimming in the pool at the hotel? The tours and sights are okay, but spending time with the family swimming, playing games, participating in a “family” activity or having a picnic can often be the highlight. Be intentional about spending quality time with the children wherever you go.

Next, I wanted to share a few personal experiences in the event they may be helpful for other single parents.

My children were 2 and 4 years when my husband and I separated. My daughter often had a difficult time with separation from me. A few things that seemed to help her with separation was having a security item. For some children it may be a stuffed animal, a blanket, or toy. For my daughter it was a night shirt of mine that she called, “jammies.”  Taking “jammies” on vacation with her dad, served as a reminder of me and brought her comfort.

When my children took trips with their father, I would prepare several cards for them to take and open while they were away. I also prepared some special surprise bags for them. The children looked forward to getting a card and/or surprise bag every day, or every other day, if it was a longer trip. I would number the cards and build on the information as the days progressed.

I recall one trip in particular when my children were going to be flying somewhere and I promised my daughter that I would look up in the sky at the time their plane would be taking off and wave to her. My daughter found that very reassuring.

When my children would call me on the phone from vacation, I would ask questions about what they were doing, let them know I missed them, loved them, and act excited for them (yes, even when they were at Disney World).

One year when my children were older, I gave them each a notebook to take on their trip to journal what they did each day. This would help them remember all of the details of the trip that they wanted to share with me. My daughter really enjoyed this as she likes to tell me all of the details, and loves to write. She drew pictures and collected pamphlets of places they visited.

My children are now 11 and 13 years. We had out of town company visiting until the day before they left on vacation recently. I was thinking to myself I might not write cards for them this trip. Wondering if they really cared to receive them? The night before leaving my daughter said to me, “Mom you are going to write cards for us for our trip, right?, You might not do the surprise packages, but you will write the cards won’t you?”

When and if you start doing something special for your children when they travel with the other parent, don’t be surprised if they come to expect it for years to come.

Finally, I had one more tradition that I started when my children were young. The day my children came home from a trip, I made a sign on poster board to welcome them home and let them know I missed them. I would take all of their stuffed animals and line the staircase/banister with their furry friends. When they walked into the entry way of our home, they would receive a grand welcome home. (Now that they are older they get the dubious task of putting them all away.) Hmmm, do you think they will be expecting the animals this year, too?

If you have any comments or ideas that you would like to share with others, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are recently divorced or going through a divorce, be sure to take time to enjoy your children this summer. Going through a divorce can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when there are children at home. No doubt, you have had less energy to offer your children.

Summertime has so much to offer in the way of festivals, outdoor concerts, sports, and activities. This can be a great time to get the kids involved with planning and researching (depending on ages) things to do.

Possibly you saw the movie last year called, “Bucket List” with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. The characters they play meet while sharing a room in the hospital. They are both battling serious illnesses. The two men create a list of things they want to do before they die, or “kick the bucket”. The movie covers their quest to accomplish the items on their bucket list.

A bucket list is really like a list of goals you would like to accomplish. Why not create a Summer Bucket List of things you would like to do this summer with your kids?

In my recent Ezine article, Divorce Advice: Create a Summer Bucket List I have provided ideas and resources for creating a summer bucket list.

Below you will find four easy steps to help you get started with your list:

1. Have each child and yourself come up with 2-5 things you would like to do this summer. You may need to provide guidelines for what is realistic and reasonable.
2. Have each person rank their ideas from most important/desirable to least important/desirable.
3. Once everyone has prepared their list, create a master list. Similar ideas may be able to be combined.
4. Get out a calendar and write in the date(s) for the activities or events that have specific dates. For the other activities try and plan out possible dates with your calendar.

You may want to post the Summer Bucket List on your refrigerator or somewhere convenient, to remind you of the dates and ideas. By creating a Summer Bucket List with your children, everyone is involved and gets to contribute. When you have a list and a plan, you are more likely to follow through and make it happen. Also, the list of activities can give you and your children something to be excited about and look forward to doing together.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the many things you have to do as a single parent. The list of all the things you need to do and should do can be endless. I still struggle with letting things wait and allowing myself to have fun with the kids.

Another reason to do a Summer Bucket List, after  going through a divorce people can have a tendency to avoid getting out. Having a list of things to do will help you be more intentional about getting out.

Be sure to give yourself permission to enjoy your children and spend time with them this summer. Time together can be healing and rewarding for all of you. As always, feel free to leave any comments or ideas below. Love to hear from you.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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