Divorce is a devastating life changing event. Divorce is more than an “event” it is a process. As in any process there are different stages. The first stage is really when one (or both) partner(s) begin to entertain the idea that they no longer want to be married to the other person. Often times the person who initiates the divorce, has mentally and emotionally left the marriage relationship before mentioning any problem or unhappiness to the other spouse. The initiating spouse can begin a negative downward spiral and be done with the marriage before there is ever an opportunity to seek help and save the marriage.

When the non-initiating spouse finds out their partner wants a divorce, their first stage is generally “shock.” How can this be happening to me, to us? If there is any chance to save your marriage and work through differences, by all means seek professional help and do whatever you can to save your marriage.

If your spouse has informed you that he/she no longer wants to be married, despite your prayers and efforts to save your marriage, I am truly sorry. I know how horrifying this can be. At a time when you are overwhelmed with emotion and disbelief, traveling unfamiliar ground, it can be difficult to know what to do.

Here are 7 Practical Tips for What to do When Beginning the Divorce Process:

1. Pray. Submit your marriage relationship to God. Ask Him for emotional support, comfort, guidance, strength and wisdom. Ask God to bring the right people and resources into your life/path.
2. Ask family, friends, your church for their prayers and support. Submit prayer requests on line to various ministries or prayer chains. Requests can be made respecting your privacy. Now is a time to be covered in prayer.
3. Find someone you can trust, with whom you can share your feelings and process your thoughts and emotions. Talking through your feelings, putting your thoughts and emotions into words, can be very therapeutic and revealing for you. A trusted person can offer a different perspective and/or encouragement.
4. Remember that God is in control, so do not panic. You will get through this time.
5. Contact an attorney in your area to find out what you need to do. You can do some research on the internet to educate yourself on what you might expect. Preparing yourself with questions and concerns will help you to make the most of your time when you meet with an attorney. Attorney fees are not cheap, so take the time to prepare yourself prior to meeting with an attorney.
6. Look for a divorce support group in your area. Divorce recovery groups provide; emotional support, help you to learn and grow from divorce, a safe place to express your feelings, the oppotunity to meet and connect with others in the same situation.  Attending a divorce support group can also provide connections and networking for finding various professionals or services you may need throughout your divorce process.
7. Despite what you are feeling know that; You will survive. You will get through the process. You can do whatever you need to do. God is with you and He will see you through your divorce. Lean on HIm. Trust Him.

I know how scarey the beginning of the divorce process can be, especially if you are in a new location, and/or you do not know anyone else going through a divorce. It can seem like you are the only one in this situation. The sad truth is that you are not alone. The roller coaster of emotions, the uncontrollable tears are not unique. There are others currently going through the same devastation as you.

Each day will get better. It takes time. As time goes by, you will gain more strength. Before long the good days will out number the bad. The time will come when you will laugh, love and smile again. Let God be your strength, comfort and hope.

Romans 15:13; May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

If thIs is your first “Valentine’s Day” as a single person in a while, getting through the holiday can be challenging. It is difficult not to be bombarded with messages and images of couples in love everywhere you go. I wonder when (if ever) did you have a perfectly romantic Valentines Day experience like the ones portrayed in the media? May be it is just me?

How many people do you think are disappointed each year when their love interest does not meet their expectations? How many people do you think give or do something out of obligation or expectation, rather than the motive of expressing their true love for another person on Valentines Day? Valentines Day marketing can lead people to believe if they are not in a relationship, they are in the minority, they might even be unlovable.

When people go through divorce it is not unusual for them to feel unlovable, especially around Valentine’s Day. I am here to tell you that “YOU are Lovable!” If your marriage has ended in divorce, that does not make you “unlovable.” I encourage you  to have a true perspective this Valentines Day. If Valentines Day is all about “love” is love limited to romantic relationships?

The true perspective is “You are lovable!” The truth is love gives life meaning and purpose. The world is looking for love, but what they are really looking for is God. God is love. 

The world would have us believe that we will find fulfillment in life through romantic relationships, money, material things, status, our appearance. Yet people who achieve these things are often left empty, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed.

It is actually when we walk in love, that we will find true fulfillment in life. When we walk in love we put love into action. We get the focus off of ourselves and reach out to others. It is not self seeking. Self seeking means you do something for others seeking something in return.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. (John 13:34). I am not suggesting that you send your ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse a Valentine. I would suggest that you take this Valentines Day and reach out to someone you love. This could be your children, your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbor. Is there someone who has blessed you lately, who has helped you through your divorce that you might want to bless? Even though you may not be in the mood to celebrate Valentines Day this year, why not take the time to show some appreciation or love to other people this Valentines Day?

Blessing others can be therapeutic. When we bless others (show them love) we often feel blessed in the process. Focus on who you love and appreciate this Valentines Day, and make your mind up to bless at least one other person.

God loves you everyday, all day. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. Receive the love He has for you and go share it with somebody else. You are God’s Valentine today and every day.

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

Tweet This Post

We cannot always control our circumstances, nor can we control other people. The only thing we can control is how we respond to our circumstances and the choices we make. It can be really frustrating when our circumstances take a downward turn and no matter what we do, despite our best efforts and prayers, we can not change them.

If you are in the process of divorce, you may relate to the frustration of feeling like you have no control. Possibly your spouse gave up on your marriage and/or found someone else. You may feel as if your life has been turned upside down and there is nothing you can do about it. Being forced to go through a divorce you never wanted can be devastating, unfair, crushing.

The truth and reality becomes, we are getting divorced. We may not like it. We may not want it, but it is reality. Now what? How does one persevere through the valley? In my last post I told you I would share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

Below I have listed the 4 main sources that encouraged and motivated me to persevere through the valley.

Faith. If you are a Christian believer, your faith is the best source of encouragement. Seeking God, His Word, wisdom, guidance and promises can give you the strength, hope and encouragement to persevere.

For me, I “thought” I was a Christian, before my marriage problems. It was not until I was faced with problems in my marriage that I became a true “believer” and developed a relationship with God.

Counseling/Therapy. Meeting with a good therapist or counselor that can help you sort through the emotions, feelings, grieving process and gain understanding. For me it was important to work with a Christian to help me process all of this through a faith perspective.

Support. Who is your support system? Family? Friends? Be sure to do the best you can to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. At the same time, it is important to find support from people who share the same faith, beliefs and values, as you do.

Amazing how much advice you may receive that does not align with your values and beliefs. Going through my separation, becoming a “believer,” I learned a lot about people based on their advice and thoughts they shared with me. I really had to use discernment and process some of the advice with more mature Christians.

Be open to seeking out support. If you do not have any friends or family near you or who have gone through divorce, find people who are going through or have been through a divorce. People going through a divorce can feel like they are the only one. Not true.

For those of you who do not know my story, I had moved to Colorado away from all my family and friends. The friends I had made were all married. A year and a half after moving to Colorado, my marriage issues surfaced. Finding a divorce recovery group was one of the best things that helped me persevere through the journey. 

Children. When you have children living at home and you are about to become a single parent, may your children be a source of encouragement. For me, my children were very young. I knew I needed to get myself healthy, to overcome my divorce and try to become the best parent I could be. I came from a broken home. I never wanted my children to experience divorce. My children were a great source of motivation for me to recover.

I hope these sources give you ideas or inspiration to help you persevere through the valley. God never said that life would be easy. The Bible says we can expect trials and tribulations. It is in the “going through” that we become refined, learn and grow. It develops our “character.” If you feel like you already have enough “character” you are not alone. I remember thinking; “How much character do I need?” God knew.

If you have any thoughts on this topic, or would like to share a source of encouragement to persevere, feel free to leave a comment below. You never know when your comment may help someone else. Blessings to you as you persevere through the valley.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

When your life gets turned upside down by a major life changing event, such as a divorce, you find yourself in need of a new life plan. Post divorce is a new beginning. Possibly you had dreams and goals for achieving your dreams with your spouse. Or maybe you had dreams but no plan or goals for achieving them. Some people hold onto the idea that “everything will just work out.” Yet, if you just went through a divorce, you may be realizing that life doesn’t always “just work out” like in the fairy tales.

As you begin to rebuild your life, I encourage you to take the time to think about your future. Think about the different areas in your life, for example;

• family
• relationships (dating?)
• friends
• faith
• career
• interests
• personal
• health/exercise
• volunteering/serving
• travel

When you think of these different areas give yourself permission to explore possibilities, to dream, to create a vision of how you would like these areas to look in your future. You can use different time frames, say 6 months, 1 year, 3-5 years, 10 years depending on the area. Some areas may have short term and long term visions.

Brainstorm

I suggest getting a notebook, or journal, and brainstorm. Write down your thoughts for each of the different areas that apply to you, add new ones, if you desire. This is not something to do in one sitting. Pick it up when you have time, preferably when you can get still, some place quiet. Avoid any negative thoughts or voices that tell you “you’re crazy,” “that is impossible,” “you could never do that,” “you are not smart enough,” “you will never be able to afford that..” Give yourself the freedom to write whatever comes to mind.

What Are Your Interests?

Is there an interest or hobby you had to give up when you got married or started your family? Possibly you have an interest in learning or doing some activity, sport or hobby but never had the time, money or opportunity to pursue that interest, write it down. There are no right or wrong answers here. This can be for your eyes only, unless you want to share it with someone.

Will You Have a Plan?

How will you know where you are going, or if you are headed in the right direction, if you have no idea what you want or desire in your future? Will you be happy or content if you just let life happen and take it as it comes? What if you miss out on some great opportunities, fulfilling a dream, or the chance to live out your life purpose, how will you feel?

Will Your Life be Better or Worse?

Some people get caught up in anger, self pity, holding onto the past, believing they do not deserve a good future, or feel rejected and unworthy of another relationship or marriage. Some people see their future as gloom and doom and fail to move forward. I find it sad when I hear about people who get divorced and their life never gets any better. Divorce becomes their defining moment in life. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Would You Like to Enjoy Your Future?

What if your life could be better than it ever was before? What if you discovered who you are, your life purpose and lived a fulfilling life? What if you could enjoy your future? Would you be willing to put forth some effort to make it happen? Think about the options. How do you see your future?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

Have you ever had someone share a secret with you? Possibly something happened in your community and you happened to be friends with the person(s) involved, or had inside connections to the “event” that happened. You were informed of the details by the source or victim of the event. Then a neighbor mentions the event to you based on the rumors going around. When you hear the rumors, you realize how much it differs from the truth.

Have you ever noticed in the absence of information that people will often make up their own story or assumptions? We see this a lot with celebrities and the tabloids. You just can’t believe everything you hear.

Have you ever had someone make untrue accusations about you? If it was someone you did not know very well or may not place much value on their opinion, you may have been able to easily brush it off. But what if it was someone who knows you fairly well, a close friend, or worse yet your spouse? It might not be so easy to brush it off.

In fact, their accusation may cause you to re-evaluate the statement and ask yourself, could this be true? After all when someone close to us, who we tend to share our hearts and allow to know us more intimately makes a negative comment about us, we take it personally. A negative comment can cut us to our core and cause us to doubt our value and self worth.

If you are going through a divorce or recently divorced, did this happen to you in your marriage? When a marriage begins to break down, the initiator of the divorce can develop a negative perspective of their partner and marriage. The initiator’s focus can be only on the negative. Before long the initiating partner can begin making negative statements to their partner. This can take place over a period of months or years.

Over time the initiating spouse can convince themselves their negative perceptions are true about their spouse. The more negative attributes they can find in their spouse helps them to justify their desire to leave the marriage. In the process of convincing themselves, the initiating spouse may also convince their partner the negative comments or perceived imperfections are true.

If your former spouse made negative comments about you, your character, your personality, take time for a reality check. Don’t believe everything you heard. Understand that many of the negative or derogatory comments directed towards you are not true. Consider the source, the mindset of your former spouse at the time. It is quite possible the statements have no validity or truth.

If you are interested in reading more about this topic, read my recent Ezine article Post Divorce: Recognizing and Dealing with Untrue Accusations

Divorce brings enough pain and rejection. At a time when your self worth and value are at an all time low it is easy to believe such negative statements. Take the time during your Divorce Recovery to discover the truth. Ask yourself and others close to you,  if there is any truth to the negative statements? Is there something you need to address? Are there behaviors, thoughts or actions you may want to change in the future? Or were the statements not valid, stemming from your former spouse’s guilt, hurt, anger and/or insecurity? Don’t automatically believe everything you hear!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

Yesterday I shared how a friend of mine called me on Father’s Day to ask me to pray for her brother-in-law, Bob. Bob suffered a severe heart attack while walking on the beach Sunday morning and was not expected to live through Sunday night. Given the urgency of Bob’s condition I suggested to my friend that she submit prayer requests on the Internet, to cover Bob in prayer.

As I write this on Tuesday evening, Bob, is miraculously still alive. Yesterday the doctors had planned to take Bob into surgery today (providing he was stable enough) and give him an artificial heart. This would be temporary until he could receive a donor heart. Today, although still in critical condition, Bob’s prognosis has again miraculously improved. He was able to be taken off life support, and remains on oxygen, as he waits for a heart donor.

It’s no coincidence that I am currently reading Don Piper’s book, “A True Story of Death and Life, 90 Minutes in Heaven.”  This is a New York Times Best Seller that was released in 2004. Don Piper is an ordained minister whose car was crushed by a semi truck on his way home from a conference, on January 18, 1989. Medical personnel said he died instantly. His body laid lifeless in the wreckage of his car as they waited for the equipment to extract his body from the car.

Ninety minutes after the accident, while a minister was praying over his body, Don Piper miraculously returned to life on this earth. In this book, Don Piper shares his glimpses of heaven, the accident and his journey of recovery.

He states at the end of his book, “I also believe that part of the reason I am still alive, as I’ve already pointed out, is that people prayed. Dick Onerecker prayed me back to life–to live without brain damage. David Gentiles and others prayed so that God wouldn’t take me back to heaven just yet.”

If you read Don’s story it is a testimony to the power of prayer. I wonder if you have experienced or witnessed the power of prayer in your life, or someone else’s life? Prayer can be so powerful.

The Bible says; ^{Phillipians 4:6}Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (New International Version)

Although the circumstances I have mentioned were life threatening situations, the Bible tells us to bring everything to God in prayer. If you are on the path of recovery from divorce, you may be in need of prayer for yourself, your circumstances, your children, your former spouse, or all of the above.

If and when you find yourself or others in need of prayer, I have listed below several credible websites where you can submit prayer requests.

Joyce Meyer Ministries look under Everyday Answers section. In the past I received a personal email response to a prayer request. One time Joyce Meyer Ministries sent me a CD of one of Joyce’s teachings that was relevant to my prayer request.

Lakewood Church in Houston with Joel Osteen.

Living Proof Ministries with Beth Moore, Bible Teacher/Speaker. Look under the Interact tab.

KLOVE – National Christian Radio Station Go to the Ministry Tab and then click on Prayer.

Crosswalk – Christian Living Resources

CBN - Christian Broadcasting Network

Prayer For All People This site has an extensive list of sites where you can submit prayer requests. I just found this site while doing research to write this post. It appears to have credible sites listed.

I hope you will find these resources for prayer, helpful in your time of need. If you have a favorite ministry, church or Bible teacher, check out their website and see if they offer a place to submit prayer requests. Feel free to share any sites you have used to submit prayer requests, in the comment section below. If you have stories about how you have experienced or witnessed the power of prayer, feel free to share and encourage others with your story.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

I hope you like the new look of A Hope Filled Future. I have been in the process of switching my blog platform to Blogi360. To some of you I know that means nothing and that is okay. I look forward to the greater flexibility, options and opportunities provided by Blogi360.

The look of A Hope Filled Future will continue to evolve as I learn more about the various options and capabilities of Blogi360. I believe Blogi360 will allow me to better serve my community.

I want to take this opportunity to invite you to submit any questions, ideas or topics that you would like me to address here on my blog. Is there a particular area where you are struggling with moving forward after your divorce? Do you have a question about ideas on how to handle some area of transitioning to single life? Single parenting? Do you wonder if other people have the same issue(s) you do? I invite you to send me an email at: shelley@ahopefilledfuture.com, or leave a comment below. I am happy to answer your questions or address your concerns.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post

During my teleseminar last Thursday with Lynne Lee, I shared some websites and resources for people going through divorce, or on their path of recovery from divorce. I mentioned that I would post some resources on my blog. Below you will find a list of resources that you may find helpful, educational and useful.

divorce360.com Provides help, advice and community for people contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it – custody, child support, alimony and litigation

DivorceCare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. Don’t go through separation or divorce alone.

DivorceCare seminars and support groups are led by people who understand what you are going through and want to help. You’ll gain access to valuable DivorceCare resources to help you deal with the pain of the past and look forward to rebuilding your life.

There are thousands of DivorceCare divorce recovery support groups meeting throughout the US, Canada and in other countries around the world. There’s one meeting near you!

EMwomen (EMpowering Women), is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping women and girls make lasting and significant life changes that result in their ability to become catalysts of positive change within their families, community, and the world. This is a Christian based group, with many resources, small groups. It is not a “divorce” site, but offers some encouraging and empowering information. A place to connect and network with others.

iheartsingleparents.com A friendly, authentic and inviting community! Our goal is to bring single parents together in a positive atmosphere for support, inspiration and fun. Meet other single moms and dads that “get it” when it comes to going it alone.

kidshealth.org This site offers help getting your child through a divorce.

Parenting as a Christian Single Dad- This is a blog written by a Christian Single Dad for you men and yet some of the single mom’s may find it interesting as well.

picketfences.com A Divorce Recovery Network for Christian women.

ezinearticles.com you can search ezine articles for valuable information about all aspects of divorce.

If you are on FaceBook, search for divorce related groups.

I hope you will find some of these resources of value and interest. If you have any sites you have found informative that you think would be helpful for others, please feel free to share them in the comments section below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Tweet This Post