In my last post I talked about what you can do when your ex-spouse makes poor choices unintentionally. This may result because he/she does not really know better or has not thought through the situation.  Since poor choices made by a parent impact the children, I suggested how you might address the situation with the other parent.

Today I want to address how you might help your children when the other parent makes poor choices or bad decisions without thinking (or caring) about the implications it will have on the children. I know how frustrating it can be when the other parent makes poor life choices that impact your children, maybe even for life. One of the more common issues for which you will have no control or input is when and how the other parent chooses to date, and who they bring around your children. Although I will talk about poor choices related to dating, the concepts can easily be translated to other poor choices made by a parent.

Some parents desperately want to be in another relationship, possibly your marriage ended because of the other parent being unfaithful to your marriage. In these situations, when one parent jumps into a relationship he/she is thinking of themselves and not the best interest of the children. All the while the other parent is setting an example for your children. Your first response may be anger, hurt, pain, frustration, or fear. I encourage you to keep your cool.

Tips of what NOT to do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Two wrongs do not make a right. Trying to get even, by going out and finding someone to date is not the answer.
• Restrain from venting with your children. Any frustration or emotions you may have regarding the situation you should vent with a friend, family member, or counselor, or journal your feelings. As hard as it might be, the other parent is still their parent. Your children gain some of their identity from that parent. If you speak negatively about the other parent, the child may then transfer those negative comments to them self.
• Do not put your children in the middle asking them 20 questions about the person your ex-spouse may be dating.
• Avoid negative comments about the person they choose to date. It can be difficult for children to accept their parent being with another person, depending on their age, the time that has elapsed between your divorce and dating. Children may struggle sharing their parent with someone else. When you speak negatively about the person your ex-spouse is dating, you make the situation even more strenuous for the children.  Like it or not, you never know when the person the other parent is dating may become your children’s step parent. Children are much smarter and perceptive than we often give them credit. If you allow them to form their own opinion, you may be surprised.

Tips of what you CAN do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Depending on the age of your children, you can talk about choices and consequences. Think about what you want to say before you talk with your children. You can be very diplomatic without naming people in your conversation. If you have an example of friends or a story that you can use to illustrate your point, fine. Do not use your ex-spouse. Talk about how every one has the ability to make choices, with those choices there are consequences. You can discuss different choices and the possible consequences for each choice.
• You can share with your children choices you would make in a given situation and explain why. Look for learning opportunities. Take advantage of real life situations, or movies, news events where you can take a situation and turn it into a learning opportunity. This can be a good time to share your values and beliefs and how they help you to make choices. You may even share an example of when you or someone else made a poor choice and the consequences that resulted, how you might do it differently. Be sure to point out good choices as well.
• If you feel the other parent is making poor choices, then you can model for your children what you believe are good choices. You can also spend time with other families, adults, or extended family that will model positive behavior for your children.
• Take time to recover and become healthy. If you want your children to have a positive role model of a healthy relationship, do not rush into another relationship.
• When you do start dating, do not introduce your children to every person you date. It is best to wait until you are in a relationship and have dated a while before introducing him/her to your children.
• Do what you can to prepare your children prior to introducing them to anyone you are dating. Help your children understand what your dating means to them. Children, depending on their age, may become worried about how this could change or impact their life.
• Reassure your children how much you love them and how important they are to you.
• Encourage your children to share their feelings with you, listen to what they have to say and help them work through it.
• Pray for the other parent, your children, and with your children, depending on their age and understanding.
• Be open to listening to your children’s concerns regarding the other parent.
• If there is a situation that concerns your children about the other parent, you may want or need to share it with your ex-spouse. If the topic or issue is particularly sensitive, be careful in how you approach the other parent. If you are on good terms and able to discuss it openly, great. If communication is stressful, then send an email, or leave a voice mail message. Try to keep it to the facts, without your emotional comments.
• Understand there are times when you may need to be an advocate for your children’s voice to be heard. Depending on the severity of the situation and your relationship with the other parent, you may need to get a children’s mediator or a counselor/therapist involved to resolve the issue.
• When you make a poor choice, admit it to your children. Do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong, to apologize, ask for forgiveness and let them know how you should have handled a situation, or how you will handle it differently in the future.

Being a single parent can be overwhelming at times. The important thing is to do the best that you can with what you know. Let your children be children. Do not put them in the middle of the relationship between you and your ex-spouse, expressing negative comments, making them choose sides. Avoid placing too high of expectations on children, forcing them to grow up too fast, or assuming the role/responsibilities of the other parent in your home.

If you need help with parenting issues, seek help. Be sure to think about your children and the impact your choices will have on them. How you live your life and the choices you make will affect your children. As always, feel free to share your comments, questions or experiences below.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Whether you are in the process of divorce or have been divorced for some time, one issue single parents often face is having no input (or control) over poor choices made by the other parent. When poor choices are made, the results or consequences not only impact the parent, but also the children.

Poor choices can range from one parent having rules and a routine at their house and the other parent having very different rules at their home. This may include bed times, chores, expectations and responsibilities, homework, balanced diet, tv time, computer time, attending church and more.

Having vastly different rules and expectations for each home can be difficult on the children. Allowing young children to stay up as late as they want on a school night is usually a poor choice. It is best if parents can strive to have similar rules and expectations for the children’s sake.

If and when possible, try to communicate your view point to the other parent regarding rules and expectations you have set for your home and why. Ask and seek to understand the other parent’s point of view and determine if you might be able to compromise, to have consistency for the children. If communication is stressed between you and the other parent, then send an email.

Parents are human and we all make mistakes. Setting up house rules, expectations, responsibilities and routines may be more challenging for one parent than another. Sometimes a parent may make poor choices because they do not know better, or they were not thinking. Bringing a situation to the other parent’s attention and explaining why it may not be a good choice, suggesting other options, may lead the parent to a better choice.

Pick and choose your battles, or situations to address carefully. If you try to tell the other parent how to parent and it is perceived that you are trying to “control” them, then your suggestions will likely not be well received and/or implemented. You may want to ask yourself, “Is this issue the result of poor choices, how does the choice impact the children, is the choice simply different and not the way I would handle it?” If there are many issues, start with one or two that you feel are the most important to address. Be sure to present your perspective in a neutral, diplomatic, non-offensive way.

Ultimately you have no control over how your ex-spouse will parent your children. What you can control is how you respond. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to make the situation better for our children?” If so, do what you can do and let go of what you have no control over.

My next post will cover situations of poor choices made when a parent is thinking primarily of himself/herself and not the children. I will provide ideas on how you can handle these situations with your children. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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If you are a parent with children still living at home, about to separate or divorce, you will need to inform significant people in your children’s lives. Once you have told the children about your plans to separate/divorce, your children will begin trying to process this information. This news will create stress and confusion as they try to contemplate what this means to them personally, their family and their future.

As your children try to sort through and understand what this means to them, they are likely to speak with someone outside the family unit. Think about the significant adults in your children’s lives. What adults do they see on a regular basis? Who might they be comfortable opening up to about their feelings or situation? Who spends time with your child that may need to be aware of the change in family status? Who might recognize a change in behavior, attitude, performance, or personality that can let you know what they observe?

It is important to tell people who interact with your children on a regular basis, that you and your spouse are separating or getting divorced. If other adults are aware of your family situation, they may be able to comfort, offer support, advice, or encouragement to your child.

Be sure to let people know that you would appreciate them notifying you of any changes in behavior, demeanor, or apparent struggles your child may be experiencing. By letting others know of your concern, they will be more inclined to pay closer attention to your child and share their observations with you. Have you ever seen the shows on television where a person is in need of help and people walk on by because they do not want to get involved? People today may be reluctant to say anything and avoid getting involved.

Here is a perfect example. Today I heard of an elementary school music teacher who suspects a child in her class is suffering from depression. She is aware that the parents are going through a divorce, yet expressed her reluctance to say anything to the parents. When a good friend of mine heard the teacher make this comment, she encouraged her to speak with the parents. My friend shared with her that when she has experienced parents (of her children’s friends) going through a divorce, the parents have asked her to let them know if and when she observes any changes in their child’s behavior, or emotions that could be related to their divorce.

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming. There may be periods of time when you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot, merely surviving. It is good to have other people looking out for your children who may notice signs that your children are struggling or could use help coping with their circumstances. If you would like to read more information on this subject, you can read my recent Ezine article: “Beginning Divorce: Who Parents Need to Tell About Their Divorce.”

Today there is much more information and support available to help children through divorce than in years past. Helping your children process divorcess will not only benefit them now, but also in their future relationships. Realize that children may not express their struggles in front of their parents, because they do not want to add to your stress and pain.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser. All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a parent going through a separation or divorce, please take the time to educate and prepare yourself on how to tell your children. Divorce will affect your children. How you tell them about your divorce, what you tell them, your relationship with the other parent, how you handle the divorce process and co-parenting, can make a huge difference. 

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I was browsing through my book “Growing Through Divorce”  by Jim Smoke today and thought I would share a list he created, titled “The Ten Commandments for Formerly Married People.”  Jim Smoke was a pioneer in the divorce recovery field in the 1970’s. Based upon his wealth of experience helping people transition from married to single, Jim compiled a list of behavior, attitudes and/or actions people should follow when going through a divorce. It has been 15 years since this book was published, and the information in this book and list of commandments are still relevant and wise advice for anyone going through divorce today.  

 The Ten Commandments for Formerly Marrieds

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past.
2. Thou shalt be responsible for thy present and not blame thy past for it.
3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely.
4. Thou shalt assume thy end of the blame for thy marriage dissolvement.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy future by a quick, new marriage.
6. Thou shalt not make thy children the victims of thy past marriage.
7. Thou shalt not spend all thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible and evil their departed parent is.
8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one parent family and get on with it.
9. Thou shalt ask others for help when thou needest it.
10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury yesterday, create today, and plan for tomorrow.

“Growing Through Divorce” was originally released in 1995. Reading Jim’s book today, his wisdom and advice are written like a Life Coach, before Life Coaching was really practiced and recognized. Jim takes the perspective that each person faced with divorce has a choice of growing through divorce or simply going through divorce. He provides practical guidance as he acknowledges the depth of pain, encourages people to be accountable, to learn from this experience, and take responsibility for their future. 

If you are someone who wants to learn and grow from your divorce, if you are willing to be accountable and responsible for your future, then you would greatly benefit from reading this book. If Jim Smoke’s approach appeals to you and you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you through divorce, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2010 ~ Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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As we begin the new year, has anyone asked you about your new year’s resolution? I was speaking to one of my son’s friends the other day and he was telling me about his new year’s resolution. He told me his resolution was to live a more Christ-centered life. I told him I thought that was great and asked him how he planned to achieve his resolution? He replied, I am not sure. I have not really thought about it.

Then he asked me what my new years resolution was? I told him I do not make “new year’s resoultions,” instead I prefer to look at the year ahead and what I want to accomplish, set goals and create a plan for achieving them. This 14 year old boy’s  reply was, “oh”!

Yesterday on the radio I was listening to K-Love and rather than talking about new year’s resolutions the question they were asking people was, “How will your life be different this year?” I thought what a great question. To me, that question prompts ownership and accountability for how your life will be this year.

If you are someone going through a divorce or recently finalized your divorce, you already know your life will be “different.” Change which implies “different” can make you anxious or filled with fear, possibly dread because of the unknown that lies ahead.  Whether divorce was forced upon you, or you feel set free from an abusive relationship, the transitioning to single life from married life will make your life “different.” Change is inevitable.

The fact is your life will soon be different, but ”how” your life will be different is largely up to you. If you are familiar with Stephen Covey and the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” you know that the 2nd habit is “Begin with the End in Mind.” If we begin with the end in mind, let’s fast forward to Januray 2011. Next year when you look back at 2010 what will you say about 2010? Will you have accomplished anything? Will your life have improved in any way? Did you learn anything, and if so, what? Did it change your life in any way? for the better or the worse? Did you make good choices? Do you have any regrets? Are you at peace with where you are? Are you blaming someone else for how your year transpired or accepting responsibility for the outcome?

If this is a year of transition to single life for you, how do you picture your life a year from now? You may be facing a lot of unknowns this year, but you do not have to fear the year ahead. Remember you are not alone. God is with you. If you will seek Him and continue to lean on Him for strength, wisdom, courage, guidance, healing and comfort, He promises to be with you and see you through your trials and difficulties.

Spending time with God daily in His Word will help you get through the days and months ahead. If you are not sure where to begin, go to your local Christian bookstore, or visit one of the many on-line Christian bookstores or amazon.com and get a  daily devotional. There are also several good books that lead you through reading the Bible in a year. Whatever method is most appealing to you, this would be the perfect time to develop a habit of spending time with God (if this is not already a habit.)

Spending time with God can give you the strength, comfort, encouragement, wisdom and the hope you need for the year ahead. He is available 24/7. No appointment necessary. Your life may be different by developing a more initimate relationship with God.

As the realization of the new year sets in, stop and consider yourself looking back in January 2011. Will you be able to say I did the best that I could given my circumstances? I have no regrets. I accepted responsibility for what I could control and made good decisions for myself and my family. I sought God and His will for my life. I am at peace. I am trusting and believing God for the good things He has in store for me and my family. I am a victor and not a victim. It is my hope that this will be your reflection in 2011. 

If the year ahead seems daunting and overwhelming as you prepare, or finish, the divorce process, if you feel the need for support, creating a strategy to survive the process, working through your life changes, or developing a plan for the future, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session. Having someone who has been through a divorce, understands the challenges, the pain and how to overcome them can help reduce your stress. Having a trained coach to encourage you, ask powerful questions, help you discover what you really want and hold you accountable for taking action, can establish the foundation you need for rebuilding your life.

May God Bless You and Your Family in 2010.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Yesterday I wrote about surviving divorce. How we survive divorce will ultimately be determined by our attitude. I remember my divorce recovery leader sharing a version of the following story with our group.

A Native American boy was talking with his grandfather. “What do you think about the world situation?” he asked. The grandfather replied, “I feel like wolves are fighting in my heart. One is full of anger and hatred; the other is full of love, forgiveness and peace.” “Which one will win?” asked the boy. To which the grandfather replied, “The one I feed.” (Origin Unknown)

During and after divorce, people often struggle with anger, hurt, rejection, betrayal, possibly hatred toward/from their former spouse. If you find yourself focusing on these feelings, how long do you plan to harbor them? Have you given any thought as to when you will let them go, or change your focus? Do you realize that what you focus on, what you think about, is what you become?

The alternative after divorce would be to feed the wolf of forgiveness, hope, comfort, peace, acceptance, love (God, self, others), healing, learning, growing, moving forward, self discovery and purpose. If we focus on these things, on positive things, we will get positive results.

I imagine you are familiar with the law of sowing and reaping. If you think about your thoughts as seeds that you are planting, what kind of seeds are you planting? If you are planting crabapple seeds, do not expect to reap Granny Smith  apples. You will reap the fruit of the thoughts you have sown.

In Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s best selling classic The Power of Positive Thinking he wrote:

“Learn to expect, not to doubt. In doing so you bring everything into the realm of possibility…It is amazing how a sustained expectation of the best sets the forces in motion which cause the best to materialize.”

I like this quote from Henry Ford;

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t . . . you’re right.”

If you focus on defeating thoughts, revenge, self-pity, dwell on your marriage, your former spouse, things you cannot control, you can expect to remain stuck, sad and miserable. On the other hand, if you will focus on what you have learned from this experience, healing, the opportunity to discover “Who you are,” what you can control, deepening your relationship with God, seeking His will and purpose for your life, expecting good things to happen, you can anticipate peace, joy, fulfillment, a sense of purpose, love, and hope for your future.

Over the next  week, try to capture your thoughts. Make an effort to think about what you are thinking about. Ask yourself, is this where I want my focus to be? If not, replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. It is not enough to simply stop the negative thoughts. You must replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations.

You are always welcome to share your thoughts or experiences below. Blessings to you as you purposely focus on what you desire for your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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If your divorce process is final, then you are officially a “Survivor” of one of the most difficult seasons in your life. If you are still in the divorce process then it is a matter of time before you, too, will be a Divorce Survivor! When the journey began you may have wondered if you would survive the process? You did, or you will.

People who survive challenging life events such as divorce, death of a loved one, cancer or some other serious health issue, accident or fire, rarely come through the event unchanged. When faced with challenging life events we often find ourselves living from a state of survival mode. Day to day life may seem a blur. It may feel like we are functioning on autopilot.

As you persevere through the process, you no doubt emerge stronger, wiser, more independent, resourceful, possibly more confident in your abilities. If you are a Christian you likely have developed a deeper relationship with God, a stronger faith, a peace that you do not understand, comfort, unexpected blessings, an ability to persevere and endure beyond your imagination.

Surviving divorce is no small achievement. You may just be thankful that you survived. I would encourage you to take some time to reflect on your divorce experience and consider how you would answer the questions below:

How did divorce change you? What kind of a survivor are you? Did you come out bitter? or better? What did you learn in the process? Did you learn some things about yourself that you did not know or realize before? How did you contribute to the failure of your marriage? What can you do differently in the future? Despite the fact that divorce is a tragic event, what positives did you discover, or what good came out of your divorce? What advice would you give someone else going through divorce? What was the best advice you received?

Possibly you have already asked yourself some of these questions? If not, why not take some time to think about them. If you keep a journal, writing down the answers to these questions in your journal can be therapeutic and healing. Don’t waste the divorce experience by merely surviving. Take what you can from your divorce experience to learn and grow.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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You have probably heard the old saying; “Think before you speak!” Have you ever said something out loud or repeated something you heard only to regret it later? In today’s world, with the ever increasing popularity of the Internet and social media sites that saying can be translated into “Think before you post or write!”

How many of you have a profile on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, or some other social media site? Do you belong to a specialized group or forum, author a blog, where you can post, write or share personal information with other people via the World Wide Web on the Internet? If you participate on social media sites do you think about what you write or post before you do it?

You may think because you “know” all of the people who are your friends on Facebook, information on your profile, or what you write on your “friends” walls, is private between friends. Do not be deceived. Depending on your profile settings, the information on your profile, including comments, etc. may be viewed by people who are “not your friends.” 

If you are in the process of a divorce or divorced, you should be careful what you publish on your social media sites, as well as what you write or comment on other people’s profiles. Some information could offend others, be used against you, reflect poor character/decisions, or provide written evidence in your divorce case.

If you are upset with your STBX, social media sites are not the place to air your dirty laundry. If you have something to say that is unfavorable, derrogatory, mean or otherwise inappropriate for the “world” including your STBX to see, do not publish it on social media sites. Send a private message or an email. You may even want to stop and ask yourself, do you really need to communicate “that message?”

If what you want to communicate could be misunderstood or damaging to your character or someone else’s, then think before you post or write it on a social media site. Anyone can join most social media sites for free. Even though you may think your STBX is not on the social media scene, he/she may join or have friends that will share what they see/learn.

Words of Advice:

• Keep it clean.
• Keep it private.
• Give yourself time to calm down - if this is an emotional reaction.
• Think before you post or write on the internet.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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How do you let go of the love? This was one of the questions asked during the teleseminar last week with Lynne Lee, Christian Coaching Cafe. As we ran out of time to answer all of the questions, I mentioned I would address questions on my blog.

As I started to write a response I realized there was so much information to cover that I wrote an ezine article Divorce Challenge: Letting Go of the Past. If you click on the title it will take you to the article.

Letting go of the past can be a real challenge, no doubt about it. During the call we talked about a woman who had been married for 40 years when her husband left her. I imagine she invested 40 plus years in her relationship with her husband, planning for retirement, building their future together. How devastating to have her life and future plans, perhaps goals and dreams shattered. My heart and prayers go out to this woman.

Obviously a long term marriage requires more effort, work, and healing in recovery than a short term marriage. Here in the states, a short term marriage is less than 10 years and a long term marriage is 10 or more years. Letting go of a long term marriage will take persistence and determination. God still has a good plan for her future, just as He does for you and me.

If you are struggling with letting go of the past, if you know what you need to do to move forward but cannot seem to let go, I suggest getting someone to help you. Having someone come along side you to help you identify what is holding you back, how you might overcome the challenge, the steps you can take, encouraging you, supporting you and holding you accountable, may be what you need to push past this road block.

If you have issues from the past to work through, you may want to seek counseling or therapy. If you have tried a support group or divorce recovery group, yet feel like you could use more individual support and direction, then life coaching may be what you need to move forward.

If you are interested in exploring life coaching, please contact me. I would be happy to discuss the coaching process with you and whether or not life coaching would benefit you and your situation. You can contact me by sending an email to: shelley@ahopefilledfuture.com

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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