I was browsing through my book “Growing Through Divorce”  by Jim Smoke today and thought I would share a list he created, titled “The Ten Commandments for Formerly Married People.”  Jim Smoke was a pioneer in the divorce recovery field in the 1970’s. Based upon his wealth of experience helping people transition from married to single, Jim compiled a list of behavior, attitudes and/or actions people should follow when going through a divorce. It has been 15 years since this book was published, and the information in this book and list of commandments are still relevant and wise advice for anyone going through divorce today.  

 The Ten Commandments for Formerly Marrieds

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past.
2. Thou shalt be responsible for thy present and not blame thy past for it.
3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely.
4. Thou shalt assume thy end of the blame for thy marriage dissolvement.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy future by a quick, new marriage.
6. Thou shalt not make thy children the victims of thy past marriage.
7. Thou shalt not spend all thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible and evil their departed parent is.
8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one parent family and get on with it.
9. Thou shalt ask others for help when thou needest it.
10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury yesterday, create today, and plan for tomorrow.

“Growing Through Divorce” was originally released in 1995. Reading Jim’s book today, his wisdom and advice are written like a Life Coach, before Life Coaching was really practiced and recognized. Jim takes the perspective that each person faced with divorce has a choice of growing through divorce or simply going through divorce. He provides practical guidance as he acknowledges the depth of pain, encourages people to be accountable, to learn from this experience, and take responsibility for their future. 

If you are someone who wants to learn and grow from your divorce, if you are willing to be accountable and responsible for your future, then you would greatly benefit from reading this book. If Jim Smoke’s approach appeals to you and you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you through divorce, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2010 ~ Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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We cannot always control our circumstances, nor can we control other people. The only thing we can control is how we respond to our circumstances and the choices we make. It can be really frustrating when our circumstances take a downward turn and no matter what we do, despite our best efforts and prayers, we can not change them.

If you are in the process of divorce, you may relate to the frustration of feeling like you have no control. Possibly your spouse gave up on your marriage and/or found someone else. You may feel as if your life has been turned upside down and there is nothing you can do about it. Being forced to go through a divorce you never wanted can be devastating, unfair, crushing.

The truth and reality becomes, we are getting divorced. We may not like it. We may not want it, but it is reality. Now what? How does one persevere through the valley? In my last post I told you I would share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

Below I have listed the 4 main sources that encouraged and motivated me to persevere through the valley.

Faith. If you are a Christian believer, your faith is the best source of encouragement. Seeking God, His Word, wisdom, guidance and promises can give you the strength, hope and encouragement to persevere.

For me, I “thought” I was a Christian, before my marriage problems. It was not until I was faced with problems in my marriage that I became a true “believer” and developed a relationship with God.

Counseling/Therapy. Meeting with a good therapist or counselor that can help you sort through the emotions, feelings, grieving process and gain understanding. For me it was important to work with a Christian to help me process all of this through a faith perspective.

Support. Who is your support system? Family? Friends? Be sure to do the best you can to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. At the same time, it is important to find support from people who share the same faith, beliefs and values, as you do.

Amazing how much advice you may receive that does not align with your values and beliefs. Going through my separation, becoming a “believer,” I learned a lot about people based on their advice and thoughts they shared with me. I really had to use discernment and process some of the advice with more mature Christians.

Be open to seeking out support. If you do not have any friends or family near you or who have gone through divorce, find people who are going through or have been through a divorce. People going through a divorce can feel like they are the only one. Not true.

For those of you who do not know my story, I had moved to Colorado away from all my family and friends. The friends I had made were all married. A year and a half after moving to Colorado, my marriage issues surfaced. Finding a divorce recovery group was one of the best things that helped me persevere through the journey. 

Children. When you have children living at home and you are about to become a single parent, may your children be a source of encouragement. For me, my children were very young. I knew I needed to get myself healthy, to overcome my divorce and try to become the best parent I could be. I came from a broken home. I never wanted my children to experience divorce. My children were a great source of motivation for me to recover.

I hope these sources give you ideas or inspiration to help you persevere through the valley. God never said that life would be easy. The Bible says we can expect trials and tribulations. It is in the “going through” that we become refined, learn and grow. It develops our “character.” If you feel like you already have enough “character” you are not alone. I remember thinking; “How much character do I need?” God knew.

If you have any thoughts on this topic, or would like to share a source of encouragement to persevere, feel free to leave a comment below. You never know when your comment may help someone else. Blessings to you as you persevere through the valley.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a parent going through divorce or recently divorced, how did you explain the change in your family dynamics to your children? Do they understand what is happening to their family? Depending on the age of your children, the concept of divorce can be difficult to grasp.

Children may wonder if it is their fault their parents are divorcing? Why is their family changing? Does this change who I am? Younger children in particular who identify themselves mostly with their parents, family, friends and school may struggle with how divorce affects their identity.

When Lori Hilliard found herself going through a divorce she searched for resources to help her explain to her 5 year old son, Joshua, what was happening to their family and what it meant to him and his siblings. Lori states that she “found several wonderful books published on the subject of divorce, but they mostly featured make believe characters like talking teddy bears.”

Lori says she wanted a real child’s face for Joshua to see and identify with that would help him understand that other real children had been through a divorce and that it was not just a made up “character” story. Failure to find such a book led Lori to write the book, Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family . In her book, Lori uses actual photo’s of her children, herself and her ex-husband, to beautifully  illustrate her book and make it real. Her goal in writing Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family   is to help children understand that divorce is not their fault. Lori wants them to know just how much they are loved, despite the change in their family dynamics.

This book is written as a story by her 5 year old son, Joshua, explaining who he is and where he lives, his two homes, his family members and pets. At the end of the book there are pages for your child/children to tell their story. You will find a place for your children to put photos of themselves, mom, dad, their family, and things they like to do. At the very end of the book there is a place for each parent to write what they think about or love about the child or children, along with a signature line for both mom and dad to sign.

If you have children between the ages of 2 and 10, I would highly recommend you get Lori’s book. After I read Lori’s book written from a child’s perspective, using real life pictures, it made me wish she had written it 10 years ago. My children were 3 and 5 when their father chose the path of divorce. I think of how helpful this would have been to explain to our children what was happening to their family dynamics and what it meant to them.

THANK YOU, Lori, for taking the initiative to create such a valuable resource for children of divorce. Anyone who has been through, or is going through, a divorce knows what a devastating time it is in the life of a family. This book is an easy and incredible tool to use. It will help you reassure your children of just how much they are loved. Well done, Lori Hilliard!

If you would like to read an article about, Lori Hilliard, click here.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I wanted to share some additional thoughts on single parenting and vacations. If you read my Ezine article Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex I mentioned several ideas of what you can do to help young children feel at ease about going on vacation with the other parent. Realize it can be difficult for young children to leave one parent, to go on vacation with the other parent.

Additional Food for Thought on Vacations with Your Children:

Don’t make it a competition with the other parent. Vacations should not be about who can out do the other one. Do not fall into the trap of trying to “buy” your children’s love. He who spends the most money, does not always win. Children are more perceptive than you think.

Think of the children. What vacation will be most enjoyable for them? Consider distance, length of time you will be gone, activities, and what is appropriate for the age of your children. Check your motive? Is this a vacation “you” want to take and you are trying to convince yourself that the kids will enjoy it, too? Is it a vacation planned with the best interest of the children, or are you better off taking this trip with another adult, or possibly when the children are older?

Quality Time. Choose a vacation that allows you to spend quality time with your children. How often do you hear about vacations where the highlight of the vacation is swimming in the pool at the hotel? The tours and sights are okay, but spending time with the family swimming, playing games, participating in a “family” activity or having a picnic can often be the highlight. Be intentional about spending quality time with the children wherever you go.

Next, I wanted to share a few personal experiences in the event they may be helpful for other single parents.

My children were 2 and 4 years when my husband and I separated. My daughter often had a difficult time with separation from me. A few things that seemed to help her with separation was having a security item. For some children it may be a stuffed animal, a blanket, or toy. For my daughter it was a night shirt of mine that she called, “jammies.”  Taking “jammies” on vacation with her dad, served as a reminder of me and brought her comfort.

When my children took trips with their father, I would prepare several cards for them to take and open while they were away. I also prepared some special surprise bags for them. The children looked forward to getting a card and/or surprise bag every day, or every other day, if it was a longer trip. I would number the cards and build on the information as the days progressed.

I recall one trip in particular when my children were going to be flying somewhere and I promised my daughter that I would look up in the sky at the time their plane would be taking off and wave to her. My daughter found that very reassuring.

When my children would call me on the phone from vacation, I would ask questions about what they were doing, let them know I missed them, loved them, and act excited for them (yes, even when they were at Disney World).

One year when my children were older, I gave them each a notebook to take on their trip to journal what they did each day. This would help them remember all of the details of the trip that they wanted to share with me. My daughter really enjoyed this as she likes to tell me all of the details, and loves to write. She drew pictures and collected pamphlets of places they visited.

My children are now 11 and 13 years. We had out of town company visiting until the day before they left on vacation recently. I was thinking to myself I might not write cards for them this trip. Wondering if they really cared to receive them? The night before leaving my daughter said to me, “Mom you are going to write cards for us for our trip, right?, You might not do the surprise packages, but you will write the cards won’t you?”

When and if you start doing something special for your children when they travel with the other parent, don’t be surprised if they come to expect it for years to come.

Finally, I had one more tradition that I started when my children were young. The day my children came home from a trip, I made a sign on poster board to welcome them home and let them know I missed them. I would take all of their stuffed animals and line the staircase/banister with their furry friends. When they walked into the entry way of our home, they would receive a grand welcome home. (Now that they are older they get the dubious task of putting them all away.) Hmmm, do you think they will be expecting the animals this year, too?

If you have any comments or ideas that you would like to share with others, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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My previous post was directed to single parents with regard to children going on vacation with their other parent. As my children left on vacation this past week with their father, many thoughts came to mind that I wanted to share with you.

In my last post I explained how I had dreamed of taking my children to Disney World as a family. I mentioned how crushed I was when my ex-husband was the one who took our children to Disney World for the first time. It just so happens my children are currently vacationing in Florida. You see, their grandmother bought a condo in Florida several years ago. So, once again my children will be visiting the Disney World theme parks. This may be their 4th or 5th visit to Orlando.

As I reflect back, it was tough letting go of the Disney World hopes and dream. To this day,  I do not believe my children have any idea how painful it was for me not to experience Disney World with them as young children. I have had to accept that Disney World vacations and memories will be with their dad.

On the other hand, my children and I have vacations we take that are special to us. My sister and brother-in-law live on a farm in Kansas. My kids love going to the farm and exploring the many opportunities the country and farm provide. Last summer my children and I went to the Night Vision festival on the western slope of Colorado. Night Vision is a two day contemporary Christian music festival. It is not likely that their father would choose to attend such an event.

The point I want to make is that children of divorce can end up getting a broader variety of experiences. If my ex-husband and I were still married, attending the Night Vision festival and Contemporary Christian concerts probably would not happen.  Children of divorce may have the opportunity to take more vacations because of their family situation. Also, when you are the decision maker, your choice of vacation may be different as a single parent than it was as a married couple.

For those of you with young children, sending your children off on vacation with the other parent does become easier over time. For my children, their “normal” family vacation has been separate vacations with each parent. Although this is not what I would have ever wished for my children/family, it is our reality. Their father has taken them on vacation to places I probably would not choose to take them. Yet, they enjoyed the trip and the experience.

My advice to you as a single parent;

• Think of your children. Is there something you can do to help them have a good/better attitude about taking a trip, if they do not want to go?
• Put your feelings aside. Show them a good attitude.
• Ask yourself what you can do to support and encourage your children, to enjoy their vacation with the other parent.
• Reassure them that you will be okay while they are away. Some children worry about the parent not going on the trip.
  

For more information on how you can support your children when they go on vacation with the other parent, you can read my Ezine article; Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex. This article provides ideas on what you can do and need to do for your children when they take vacation with their other parent.

Next time, I will share some final thoughts on children and vacations. In the meantime, should you have any ideas or comment you would like to share, please feel free to post them below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a single parent with young children, it can be difficult to send your children off on vacation with your ex-spouse. I remember how difficult it was the first time my children left for vacation with their dad. My children were particularly young at 3 and 5 years.

If you are like me, your dream of having a family probably included the idea of taking family vacations. I looked forward to the day we could experience new places, take road trips and fly with our children. I wanted to be there with my children as they encountered new places and experienced activities for the first time.

I understand how heart breaking it can be to feel deprived of getting to experience all the excitement and adventure of family vacations with your children. This is an aspect of divorce that can be difficult to accept.

As a child I never had the opportunity to go to Disneyland or Disney World. I experienced Disney World as a young adult when one of my friends moved to Tampa, Florida. One of my dreams was to one day, as a family, take my children to Disney World.

I can still recall the pain I felt when my ex-husband decided to take our children to Disney World. The kids were a little older maybe 4 and 6 years old. In my eyes, he was about to crush yet another one of my dreams. He was taking our children to Disney World.

My ex husband was about to experience our children’s initial reactions, witness their surprise, and share their joy of being surrounded by life size Disney characters. For me, taking my children to Disney World for the second time would just not be the same. The much awaited anticipation, the high expectations, the element of surprise and wonder would be gone.

Letting go of dreams can be a painful process. What can make it even more challenging is when we have to cover it up for the sake of others. If you are in the process of divorce or recently divorced you may be tired of letting go of your dreams. It can be exhausting covering up how you really “feel” in front of your children, I know. I have struggled with this myself.

As hard as it may be, for the sake of your children, I encourage you to be supportive of vacation plans, and time spent with the other parent. In the best interest of your children, avoid letting them know how sad, hurt, jealous, and/or angry you may feel about a vacation they are preparing to take with the other spouse.

Respect the fact that this is a time for them to vacation with the other parent. Realize, the children may feel as awkward going without you, as you may feel not going. Turn the tables and think about how you will want your ex-spouse to support you when you take the children on vacation. Sort of that “do unto others as you would want them to do unto you” rule.

Children naturally would prefer to go on vacation as a family, especially when they are young. I remember my children telling me how they wished I would have been on the trip to Orlando with them and their dad.

If you are recently divorced, young children may still be trying to figure out their new family dynamics. In their mind, they may perceive your not going as you do not want to go. Your children want and desire your approval and support. If they sense your disapproval or resentment of them going on vacation with the other parent, you may spoil and/or impact their vacation experience.

Also, young children can have issues of separation from one or both parents. The thought of leaving a parent behind for a week or several days can be stressful to them. In situations such as this, the child(ren) need reassurance and encouragement from you that both of you will be okay.

If you have any comments or stories you would like to share related to this topic, please free to leave them in the comment section below. Thank You!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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How much do you communicate with your ex-spouse? Often? Not much? More than you like? If you have children living at home or in college, chances are you need to communicate with your former spouse. If you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse, then communication may not be an issue for you.

For many divorced couples, there can be tension and stress when they have to communicate with each other. Or possibly you can get along with the typical day to day activity, but when it comes to making changes in the schedule, or certain decisions about the children, finances, etc. then the communication becomes stressed.

Typically the younger the children the more the parents have to communicate. Older children can speak up and voice their opinions and communicate basic information from one parent to another. This can reduce the need for parents to communicate.

If you and your former spouse have a hard time communicating with each other, regardless of the age of the children, do not put the burden of communicating non-basic information on them. Thanks to technology today, you can use email, voice mail or texting to communicate with your ex-spouse without having to speak with them directly.

Realize that initially when your divorce is fresh, emotions can be running high, communication may be more stressful or tense. As time goes by and you transition into your roles as single parents, communication may become easier. Do not be surprised if you experience periods where communication seems to be fine, followed by bumps in the road.

As parenting decisions arise, you may discover that you and your former spouse do not agree on how to handle various situations. If necessary get a third party involved to help you reach an agreement on how to handle a situation. Be sure to keep the kid’s best interest in mind. Decisions should not be based on revenge, anger, or your need to “win” over the other parent.

For more information on communicating with your ex, you can read my ezine article; Divorce: Tips for Communicating with Your Ex-Spouse When the Relationship is Stressed.

If you are a single parent with children living at home, the reality is that you will have to communicate with your former spouse. Understand you have no control over how your ex-spouse communicates, only how you communicate. Here are a few suggestions to keep mind:

• Avoid addressing issues when you are angry or upset with your former spouse.
• Allow yourself time to cool down and then respond.
• Disregard any negative or belittling comments made by the other spouse and stick to the facts or issue at hand.
• If a response is required, respond in a timely fashion.
• If needed, discuss the issue with a trusted friend or knowledgeable person to gain insight, another opinion or different perspective prior to responding. Sometimes talking through an issue with someone else will help you process the issue, gain better understanding, come up with different or more options.
• Try to be diplomatic in your response or presentation of an issue.
• Despite how your former spouse may be treating you, treat them the way you would like to be treated.
• When you respond in retaliation or revenge, you stoop to their level and give them more information to use against you.

I hope this information will be helpful to you as you learn to communicate with your former spouse in a new way. If you have any suggestions or comments on communication that you would like to share with others, feel free to leave a comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a single mom with children at home, what are you doing to help your children celebrate Father’s Day? If you are not on good terms with your ex husband, or maybe you just don’t like him right now, you need to put your feelings aside. Your ex-husband is still the father of your children. He deserves to be remembered on Father’s Day.

If your former-in-laws live near you and you can ask them to help your children honor their father on Father’s Day, then great. For many of us that is not an option.

If your ex-husband did not help the children do anything for you on Mother’s Day, you might be thinking well I am not going to do anything for him on Father’s Day. I know this can be difficult, but I would encourage you take the high road. Think of the children and what you are teaching them.

If you have small children they will certainly need your help and direction. Why not give them the materials they need to make something for their father? Is there a craft they like to do? Can they draw a picture of what they like to do with their dad? Do you have a cute photograph of the child(ren) that you could frame to give him?

Another idea that also works with older children, is give them a dollar amount and take them to the mall or a store and let them pick something out. Having the child make a Father’s Day card to go along with the gift can also be more personal and meaningful. Let the child wrap the gift, too.

For older children you may need to remind them to do something for Father’s Day. If they need your help with gift ideas, be willing to give them suggestions. If money is tight, suggest the older child create a coupon telling their dad that they will do some specific chore for him, or project. Maybe the child(ren) plan and prepare dinner, and/or plan a day or evening of doing something that their dad likes to do for fun. When kids get older and spend less time with their parents, spending quality time with the parent could be a real gift itself.

If doing something for Father’s Day is difficult for you, I encourage you to push past your feelings and help your children celebrate their father on Father’s Day. He is their father. As much as you may not feel like celebrating him, he deserves to be remembered. I hope you will do the right thing and go help your children.

This post is written from the perspective of generally speaking. I understand that there are situations where a father may have been abusive, or a father child relationship may not be healthy.

However, I am familiar with cases where divorced parents do not have an amicable relationship. In these situations I have known parents who do not want to do anything for the other parent, and yet there may not be anyone else to help the children. This post is meant to encourage adults to think of their children, putting their personal feelings aside.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are recently divorced or going through a divorce, be sure to take time to enjoy your children this summer. Going through a divorce can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when there are children at home. No doubt, you have had less energy to offer your children.

Summertime has so much to offer in the way of festivals, outdoor concerts, sports, and activities. This can be a great time to get the kids involved with planning and researching (depending on ages) things to do.

Possibly you saw the movie last year called, “Bucket List” with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. The characters they play meet while sharing a room in the hospital. They are both battling serious illnesses. The two men create a list of things they want to do before they die, or “kick the bucket”. The movie covers their quest to accomplish the items on their bucket list.

A bucket list is really like a list of goals you would like to accomplish. Why not create a Summer Bucket List of things you would like to do this summer with your kids?

In my recent Ezine article, Divorce Advice: Create a Summer Bucket List I have provided ideas and resources for creating a summer bucket list.

Below you will find four easy steps to help you get started with your list:

1. Have each child and yourself come up with 2-5 things you would like to do this summer. You may need to provide guidelines for what is realistic and reasonable.
2. Have each person rank their ideas from most important/desirable to least important/desirable.
3. Once everyone has prepared their list, create a master list. Similar ideas may be able to be combined.
4. Get out a calendar and write in the date(s) for the activities or events that have specific dates. For the other activities try and plan out possible dates with your calendar.

You may want to post the Summer Bucket List on your refrigerator or somewhere convenient, to remind you of the dates and ideas. By creating a Summer Bucket List with your children, everyone is involved and gets to contribute. When you have a list and a plan, you are more likely to follow through and make it happen. Also, the list of activities can give you and your children something to be excited about and look forward to doing together.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the many things you have to do as a single parent. The list of all the things you need to do and should do can be endless. I still struggle with letting things wait and allowing myself to have fun with the kids.

Another reason to do a Summer Bucket List, after  going through a divorce people can have a tendency to avoid getting out. Having a list of things to do will help you be more intentional about getting out.

Be sure to give yourself permission to enjoy your children and spend time with them this summer. Time together can be healing and rewarding for all of you. As always, feel free to leave any comments or ideas below. Love to hear from you.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you have recently become a single parent, this may be your first year to plan a summer vacation with just you and the children. If you have relocated from where you grew up, maybe you spend your summer vacations traveling back home to visit relatives and friends.

If you and your former spouse are from the same area, traveling back home for the first time can be awkward. My former husband and I both have family in Kansas City. I remember when I first took the kids back to visit my family and friends. At the time, when the separation/divorce was fresh it was a bit uncomfortable to go spend time with my in-laws.

My children were rather young so they pretty much went with the flow of wherever I would take them. I felt obligated to take my children to visit their other grandmother, aunt and uncle. Living in Colorado, my children had limited opportunities to see their relatives. I think it is important for them to know their relatives.

I recall contacting my mother-in-law and scheduling a time when she could have the kids for a few hours and have her daughter and son-in-law over to see them as well. I knew that in the future when their father would take the children to Kansas City, I would want my family to have the opportunity to see them.

Even though it was uncomfortable and not something I “really” wanted to do, I did it for the children and the relatives. Sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside and do what is best for the children and your former relatives. Your former relatives are still your children’s relatives.

If your summer travels take you where your former relatives are located, will you take the children to see their relatives? I understand every-one’s situation is unique. If possible, do what you can to arrange for your children to be able to visit their relatives, despite how you may feel.

For information on Planning A Summer Vacation as a Single Parent, click on the highlighted title to read my recent Ezine article. Feel free to leave comments, share experiences, or ask questions below concerning children and maintaining relationships with relatives and friends.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights reserved.

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