In case you have not read the previous two posts, I have been sharing from an excellent book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The author begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from when the relationship began up until the present. He covers 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.

The first perception factor was The Romance Myth. The second factor was The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover. Today’s perception factor is:

Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment

Joseph Warren Kniskern states that "Husbands traditionally were seen to be caretakers, provider- the spouse who is more "business oriented." Wives were nuturers, keepers of the home-the ones more communicative and emotional. Children watch parents in these roles. Then as married adults, they try to emulate what they saw."

If our parents had a well adjusted marriage then we were better prepared to have a good start in our marriages. On the other hand, if our parents were divorced, or a parent passed away, or some other flaw, then we could only learn from our experience. We may not have had role models to emulate, so we are left to do the best that we can.

In today’s society we are moving away from the traditional family relationships and bonding. We have both parents working outside the home, children in daycare, or the mother might be the primary bread winner and the father stays home with the kids. One or both parents may be working long hours. Children are spending more time in front of the TV and computers, leaving them to find their role models in  TV characters or other adults.

As an adult if a spouse has unmet needs from when he/she was a child, they may unfairly look to their spouse to fulfill those parental needs. Instead of seeking help from a counselor, friends or church, that spouse may demand more from their mate. When looking to a spouse to complete us where we may feel unfulfilled, it creates an enormous burden. When the other spouse is not willing or able to fulfill those parental needs, the needy spouse may become disappointed or angry. Just as we cannot depend on our spouse to "make us happy," we cannot depend on our spouse to "complete us as a person."

Unless a couple is able to break the mold of past experience and build a healthy marriage, their marriage is doomed.

When you reflect on your marriage, do you think the change in the traditional family played any role in the breakup of your marriage? Do you think the parental role models you or your spouse had contributed to your divorce or separation? I would be curious to hear your thoughts. Please share any thoughts or  comments you might have below.

The next "perception factor" we will cover is: Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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