In my last post I talked about what you can do when your ex-spouse makes poor choices unintentionally. This may result because he/she does not really know better or has not thought through the situation.  Since poor choices made by a parent impact the children, I suggested how you might address the situation with the other parent.

Today I want to address how you might help your children when the other parent makes poor choices or bad decisions without thinking (or caring) about the implications it will have on the children. I know how frustrating it can be when the other parent makes poor life choices that impact your children, maybe even for life. One of the more common issues for which you will have no control or input is when and how the other parent chooses to date, and who they bring around your children. Although I will talk about poor choices related to dating, the concepts can easily be translated to other poor choices made by a parent.

Some parents desperately want to be in another relationship, possibly your marriage ended because of the other parent being unfaithful to your marriage. In these situations, when one parent jumps into a relationship he/she is thinking of themselves and not the best interest of the children. All the while the other parent is setting an example for your children. Your first response may be anger, hurt, pain, frustration, or fear. I encourage you to keep your cool.

Tips of what NOT to do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Two wrongs do not make a right. Trying to get even, by going out and finding someone to date is not the answer.
• Restrain from venting with your children. Any frustration or emotions you may have regarding the situation you should vent with a friend, family member, or counselor, or journal your feelings. As hard as it might be, the other parent is still their parent. Your children gain some of their identity from that parent. If you speak negatively about the other parent, the child may then transfer those negative comments to them self.
• Do not put your children in the middle asking them 20 questions about the person your ex-spouse may be dating.
• Avoid negative comments about the person they choose to date. It can be difficult for children to accept their parent being with another person, depending on their age, the time that has elapsed between your divorce and dating. Children may struggle sharing their parent with someone else. When you speak negatively about the person your ex-spouse is dating, you make the situation even more strenuous for the children.  Like it or not, you never know when the person the other parent is dating may become your children’s step parent. Children are much smarter and perceptive than we often give them credit. If you allow them to form their own opinion, you may be surprised.

Tips of what you CAN do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Depending on the age of your children, you can talk about choices and consequences. Think about what you want to say before you talk with your children. You can be very diplomatic without naming people in your conversation. If you have an example of friends or a story that you can use to illustrate your point, fine. Do not use your ex-spouse. Talk about how every one has the ability to make choices, with those choices there are consequences. You can discuss different choices and the possible consequences for each choice.
• You can share with your children choices you would make in a given situation and explain why. Look for learning opportunities. Take advantage of real life situations, or movies, news events where you can take a situation and turn it into a learning opportunity. This can be a good time to share your values and beliefs and how they help you to make choices. You may even share an example of when you or someone else made a poor choice and the consequences that resulted, how you might do it differently. Be sure to point out good choices as well.
• If you feel the other parent is making poor choices, then you can model for your children what you believe are good choices. You can also spend time with other families, adults, or extended family that will model positive behavior for your children.
• Take time to recover and become healthy. If you want your children to have a positive role model of a healthy relationship, do not rush into another relationship.
• When you do start dating, do not introduce your children to every person you date. It is best to wait until you are in a relationship and have dated a while before introducing him/her to your children.
• Do what you can to prepare your children prior to introducing them to anyone you are dating. Help your children understand what your dating means to them. Children, depending on their age, may become worried about how this could change or impact their life.
• Reassure your children how much you love them and how important they are to you.
• Encourage your children to share their feelings with you, listen to what they have to say and help them work through it.
• Pray for the other parent, your children, and with your children, depending on their age and understanding.
• Be open to listening to your children’s concerns regarding the other parent.
• If there is a situation that concerns your children about the other parent, you may want or need to share it with your ex-spouse. If the topic or issue is particularly sensitive, be careful in how you approach the other parent. If you are on good terms and able to discuss it openly, great. If communication is stressful, then send an email, or leave a voice mail message. Try to keep it to the facts, without your emotional comments.
• Understand there are times when you may need to be an advocate for your children’s voice to be heard. Depending on the severity of the situation and your relationship with the other parent, you may need to get a children’s mediator or a counselor/therapist involved to resolve the issue.
• When you make a poor choice, admit it to your children. Do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong, to apologize, ask for forgiveness and let them know how you should have handled a situation, or how you will handle it differently in the future.

Being a single parent can be overwhelming at times. The important thing is to do the best that you can with what you know. Let your children be children. Do not put them in the middle of the relationship between you and your ex-spouse, expressing negative comments, making them choose sides. Avoid placing too high of expectations on children, forcing them to grow up too fast, or assuming the role/responsibilities of the other parent in your home.

If you need help with parenting issues, seek help. Be sure to think about your children and the impact your choices will have on them. How you live your life and the choices you make will affect your children. As always, feel free to share your comments, questions or experiences below.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Whether you are in the process of divorce or have been divorced for some time, one issue single parents often face is having no input (or control) over poor choices made by the other parent. When poor choices are made, the results or consequences not only impact the parent, but also the children.

Poor choices can range from one parent having rules and a routine at their house and the other parent having very different rules at their home. This may include bed times, chores, expectations and responsibilities, homework, balanced diet, tv time, computer time, attending church and more.

Having vastly different rules and expectations for each home can be difficult on the children. Allowing young children to stay up as late as they want on a school night is usually a poor choice. It is best if parents can strive to have similar rules and expectations for the children’s sake.

If and when possible, try to communicate your view point to the other parent regarding rules and expectations you have set for your home and why. Ask and seek to understand the other parent’s point of view and determine if you might be able to compromise, to have consistency for the children. If communication is stressed between you and the other parent, then send an email.

Parents are human and we all make mistakes. Setting up house rules, expectations, responsibilities and routines may be more challenging for one parent than another. Sometimes a parent may make poor choices because they do not know better, or they were not thinking. Bringing a situation to the other parent’s attention and explaining why it may not be a good choice, suggesting other options, may lead the parent to a better choice.

Pick and choose your battles, or situations to address carefully. If you try to tell the other parent how to parent and it is perceived that you are trying to “control” them, then your suggestions will likely not be well received and/or implemented. You may want to ask yourself, “Is this issue the result of poor choices, how does the choice impact the children, is the choice simply different and not the way I would handle it?” If there are many issues, start with one or two that you feel are the most important to address. Be sure to present your perspective in a neutral, diplomatic, non-offensive way.

Ultimately you have no control over how your ex-spouse will parent your children. What you can control is how you respond. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to make the situation better for our children?” If so, do what you can do and let go of what you have no control over.

My next post will cover situations of poor choices made when a parent is thinking primarily of himself/herself and not the children. I will provide ideas on how you can handle these situations with your children. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Mothers Day is a few days away. If this is your first year as a single parent, you may experience a range of emotions. You may feel a great deal of sadness for your children, that they no longer have an intact family. It could be that divorce removed you from an abusive situation. No matter what the reason for divorce, Mothers Day and Fathers Day can become awkward as a single parent, especially when children are younger and they need the help of the other parent. As a single parent with young children who do not understand the concept of Mothers Day and Fathers Day, it can feel like just another day.

Typically the father plans or carries out the Mothers Day celebration with children (especially when children are young) and mothers handle Fathers Day celebrations. As children get older they can help plan and contribute to celebrating their mothers and fathers. But what happens when parents divorce? Who helps the children celebrate their mother and father? When parents are in the process of divorce the relationship can be particularly stressful. The last thing a parent may feel like doing is planning or helping their child or children celebrate the other parent. If this describes your situation, I would suggest you take a moment to change your perspective.

Children have one biological (or adoptive) mother and father. It does not matter what you think or feel about each other right now (excluding emotional or physical abuse), he or she is the parent. As the adult, as the parent, it is your responsibility to help the child or children celebrate and/or show their appreciation for the other parent. Mothers Day and Fathers Day, birthdays and other holidays are times for you to put your feelings aside and help your children. You do it for the children.

Let’s face it, if parenting is challenging and many couples find parenting a challenge with two adults, what about single parenting? If there is ever a time when parents could use encouragement, to feel celebrated and appreciated, it is when they parent alone. Right or wrong, whether you like the other parent or not, whether you agree or disagree with the choices they make or have made in the past, children deserve the right to love, appreciate and celebrate their parents.

This Mothers Day and Fathers Day, I encourage you to take the high road. Forget about yourself, think of your children and help them celebrate the other parent. Granted the celebration will look different this year than in year’s past. If you are a single mother with young children you may want to read my blog post from last year “Planning Your Own Mothers Day”. Single fathers not to worry, I will write a similar post for planning your own Fathers Day, when we get closer to Fathers Day.

In the meantime, if you have any thoughts or comments that you would like to share, feel free to leave them below. May God give you strength, parenting wisdom, energy, an abundance of love, patience, grace and understanding as He empowers you to be the best parent you can be to your children.

God Bless!

Copy Right 2010 Shelley Grieser.  All Rights Reserved

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If you are a parent with children still living at home, about to separate or divorce, you will need to inform significant people in your children’s lives. Once you have told the children about your plans to separate/divorce, your children will begin trying to process this information. This news will create stress and confusion as they try to contemplate what this means to them personally, their family and their future.

As your children try to sort through and understand what this means to them, they are likely to speak with someone outside the family unit. Think about the significant adults in your children’s lives. What adults do they see on a regular basis? Who might they be comfortable opening up to about their feelings or situation? Who spends time with your child that may need to be aware of the change in family status? Who might recognize a change in behavior, attitude, performance, or personality that can let you know what they observe?

It is important to tell people who interact with your children on a regular basis, that you and your spouse are separating or getting divorced. If other adults are aware of your family situation, they may be able to comfort, offer support, advice, or encouragement to your child.

Be sure to let people know that you would appreciate them notifying you of any changes in behavior, demeanor, or apparent struggles your child may be experiencing. By letting others know of your concern, they will be more inclined to pay closer attention to your child and share their observations with you. Have you ever seen the shows on television where a person is in need of help and people walk on by because they do not want to get involved? People today may be reluctant to say anything and avoid getting involved.

Here is a perfect example. Today I heard of an elementary school music teacher who suspects a child in her class is suffering from depression. She is aware that the parents are going through a divorce, yet expressed her reluctance to say anything to the parents. When a good friend of mine heard the teacher make this comment, she encouraged her to speak with the parents. My friend shared with her that when she has experienced parents (of her children’s friends) going through a divorce, the parents have asked her to let them know if and when she observes any changes in their child’s behavior, or emotions that could be related to their divorce.

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming. There may be periods of time when you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot, merely surviving. It is good to have other people looking out for your children who may notice signs that your children are struggling or could use help coping with their circumstances. If you would like to read more information on this subject, you can read my recent Ezine article: “Beginning Divorce: Who Parents Need to Tell About Their Divorce.”

Today there is much more information and support available to help children through divorce than in years past. Helping your children process divorcess will not only benefit them now, but also in their future relationships. Realize that children may not express their struggles in front of their parents, because they do not want to add to your stress and pain.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser. All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a parent going through a separation or divorce, please take the time to educate and prepare yourself on how to tell your children. Divorce will affect your children. How you tell them about your divorce, what you tell them, your relationship with the other parent, how you handle the divorce process and co-parenting, can make a huge difference. 

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If you are a parent going through divorce or recently divorced, how did you explain the change in your family dynamics to your children? Do they understand what is happening to their family? Depending on the age of your children, the concept of divorce can be difficult to grasp.

Children may wonder if it is their fault their parents are divorcing? Why is their family changing? Does this change who I am? Younger children in particular who identify themselves mostly with their parents, family, friends and school may struggle with how divorce affects their identity.

When Lori Hilliard found herself going through a divorce she searched for resources to help her explain to her 5 year old son, Joshua, what was happening to their family and what it meant to him and his siblings. Lori states that she “found several wonderful books published on the subject of divorce, but they mostly featured make believe characters like talking teddy bears.”

Lori says she wanted a real child’s face for Joshua to see and identify with that would help him understand that other real children had been through a divorce and that it was not just a made up “character” story. Failure to find such a book led Lori to write the book, Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family . In her book, Lori uses actual photo’s of her children, herself and her ex-husband, to beautifully  illustrate her book and make it real. Her goal in writing Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family   is to help children understand that divorce is not their fault. Lori wants them to know just how much they are loved, despite the change in their family dynamics.

This book is written as a story by her 5 year old son, Joshua, explaining who he is and where he lives, his two homes, his family members and pets. At the end of the book there are pages for your child/children to tell their story. You will find a place for your children to put photos of themselves, mom, dad, their family, and things they like to do. At the very end of the book there is a place for each parent to write what they think about or love about the child or children, along with a signature line for both mom and dad to sign.

If you have children between the ages of 2 and 10, I would highly recommend you get Lori’s book. After I read Lori’s book written from a child’s perspective, using real life pictures, it made me wish she had written it 10 years ago. My children were 3 and 5 when their father chose the path of divorce. I think of how helpful this would have been to explain to our children what was happening to their family dynamics and what it meant to them.

THANK YOU, Lori, for taking the initiative to create such a valuable resource for children of divorce. Anyone who has been through, or is going through, a divorce knows what a devastating time it is in the life of a family. This book is an easy and incredible tool to use. It will help you reassure your children of just how much they are loved. Well done, Lori Hilliard!

If you would like to read an article about, Lori Hilliard, click here.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I wanted to share some additional thoughts on single parenting and vacations. If you read my Ezine article Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex I mentioned several ideas of what you can do to help young children feel at ease about going on vacation with the other parent. Realize it can be difficult for young children to leave one parent, to go on vacation with the other parent.

Additional Food for Thought on Vacations with Your Children:

Don’t make it a competition with the other parent. Vacations should not be about who can out do the other one. Do not fall into the trap of trying to “buy” your children’s love. He who spends the most money, does not always win. Children are more perceptive than you think.

Think of the children. What vacation will be most enjoyable for them? Consider distance, length of time you will be gone, activities, and what is appropriate for the age of your children. Check your motive? Is this a vacation “you” want to take and you are trying to convince yourself that the kids will enjoy it, too? Is it a vacation planned with the best interest of the children, or are you better off taking this trip with another adult, or possibly when the children are older?

Quality Time. Choose a vacation that allows you to spend quality time with your children. How often do you hear about vacations where the highlight of the vacation is swimming in the pool at the hotel? The tours and sights are okay, but spending time with the family swimming, playing games, participating in a “family” activity or having a picnic can often be the highlight. Be intentional about spending quality time with the children wherever you go.

Next, I wanted to share a few personal experiences in the event they may be helpful for other single parents.

My children were 2 and 4 years when my husband and I separated. My daughter often had a difficult time with separation from me. A few things that seemed to help her with separation was having a security item. For some children it may be a stuffed animal, a blanket, or toy. For my daughter it was a night shirt of mine that she called, “jammies.”  Taking “jammies” on vacation with her dad, served as a reminder of me and brought her comfort.

When my children took trips with their father, I would prepare several cards for them to take and open while they were away. I also prepared some special surprise bags for them. The children looked forward to getting a card and/or surprise bag every day, or every other day, if it was a longer trip. I would number the cards and build on the information as the days progressed.

I recall one trip in particular when my children were going to be flying somewhere and I promised my daughter that I would look up in the sky at the time their plane would be taking off and wave to her. My daughter found that very reassuring.

When my children would call me on the phone from vacation, I would ask questions about what they were doing, let them know I missed them, loved them, and act excited for them (yes, even when they were at Disney World).

One year when my children were older, I gave them each a notebook to take on their trip to journal what they did each day. This would help them remember all of the details of the trip that they wanted to share with me. My daughter really enjoyed this as she likes to tell me all of the details, and loves to write. She drew pictures and collected pamphlets of places they visited.

My children are now 11 and 13 years. We had out of town company visiting until the day before they left on vacation recently. I was thinking to myself I might not write cards for them this trip. Wondering if they really cared to receive them? The night before leaving my daughter said to me, “Mom you are going to write cards for us for our trip, right?, You might not do the surprise packages, but you will write the cards won’t you?”

When and if you start doing something special for your children when they travel with the other parent, don’t be surprised if they come to expect it for years to come.

Finally, I had one more tradition that I started when my children were young. The day my children came home from a trip, I made a sign on poster board to welcome them home and let them know I missed them. I would take all of their stuffed animals and line the staircase/banister with their furry friends. When they walked into the entry way of our home, they would receive a grand welcome home. (Now that they are older they get the dubious task of putting them all away.) Hmmm, do you think they will be expecting the animals this year, too?

If you have any comments or ideas that you would like to share with others, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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My previous post was directed to single parents with regard to children going on vacation with their other parent. As my children left on vacation this past week with their father, many thoughts came to mind that I wanted to share with you.

In my last post I explained how I had dreamed of taking my children to Disney World as a family. I mentioned how crushed I was when my ex-husband was the one who took our children to Disney World for the first time. It just so happens my children are currently vacationing in Florida. You see, their grandmother bought a condo in Florida several years ago. So, once again my children will be visiting the Disney World theme parks. This may be their 4th or 5th visit to Orlando.

As I reflect back, it was tough letting go of the Disney World hopes and dream. To this day,  I do not believe my children have any idea how painful it was for me not to experience Disney World with them as young children. I have had to accept that Disney World vacations and memories will be with their dad.

On the other hand, my children and I have vacations we take that are special to us. My sister and brother-in-law live on a farm in Kansas. My kids love going to the farm and exploring the many opportunities the country and farm provide. Last summer my children and I went to the Night Vision festival on the western slope of Colorado. Night Vision is a two day contemporary Christian music festival. It is not likely that their father would choose to attend such an event.

The point I want to make is that children of divorce can end up getting a broader variety of experiences. If my ex-husband and I were still married, attending the Night Vision festival and Contemporary Christian concerts probably would not happen.  Children of divorce may have the opportunity to take more vacations because of their family situation. Also, when you are the decision maker, your choice of vacation may be different as a single parent than it was as a married couple.

For those of you with young children, sending your children off on vacation with the other parent does become easier over time. For my children, their “normal” family vacation has been separate vacations with each parent. Although this is not what I would have ever wished for my children/family, it is our reality. Their father has taken them on vacation to places I probably would not choose to take them. Yet, they enjoyed the trip and the experience.

My advice to you as a single parent;

• Think of your children. Is there something you can do to help them have a good/better attitude about taking a trip, if they do not want to go?
• Put your feelings aside. Show them a good attitude.
• Ask yourself what you can do to support and encourage your children, to enjoy their vacation with the other parent.
• Reassure them that you will be okay while they are away. Some children worry about the parent not going on the trip.
  

For more information on how you can support your children when they go on vacation with the other parent, you can read my Ezine article; Single Parents: When Your Children Go on Vacation with Your Ex. This article provides ideas on what you can do and need to do for your children when they take vacation with their other parent.

Next time, I will share some final thoughts on children and vacations. In the meantime, should you have any ideas or comment you would like to share, please feel free to post them below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a single parent with young children, it can be difficult to send your children off on vacation with your ex-spouse. I remember how difficult it was the first time my children left for vacation with their dad. My children were particularly young at 3 and 5 years.

If you are like me, your dream of having a family probably included the idea of taking family vacations. I looked forward to the day we could experience new places, take road trips and fly with our children. I wanted to be there with my children as they encountered new places and experienced activities for the first time.

I understand how heart breaking it can be to feel deprived of getting to experience all the excitement and adventure of family vacations with your children. This is an aspect of divorce that can be difficult to accept.

As a child I never had the opportunity to go to Disneyland or Disney World. I experienced Disney World as a young adult when one of my friends moved to Tampa, Florida. One of my dreams was to one day, as a family, take my children to Disney World.

I can still recall the pain I felt when my ex-husband decided to take our children to Disney World. The kids were a little older maybe 4 and 6 years old. In my eyes, he was about to crush yet another one of my dreams. He was taking our children to Disney World.

My ex husband was about to experience our children’s initial reactions, witness their surprise, and share their joy of being surrounded by life size Disney characters. For me, taking my children to Disney World for the second time would just not be the same. The much awaited anticipation, the high expectations, the element of surprise and wonder would be gone.

Letting go of dreams can be a painful process. What can make it even more challenging is when we have to cover it up for the sake of others. If you are in the process of divorce or recently divorced you may be tired of letting go of your dreams. It can be exhausting covering up how you really “feel” in front of your children, I know. I have struggled with this myself.

As hard as it may be, for the sake of your children, I encourage you to be supportive of vacation plans, and time spent with the other parent. In the best interest of your children, avoid letting them know how sad, hurt, jealous, and/or angry you may feel about a vacation they are preparing to take with the other spouse.

Respect the fact that this is a time for them to vacation with the other parent. Realize, the children may feel as awkward going without you, as you may feel not going. Turn the tables and think about how you will want your ex-spouse to support you when you take the children on vacation. Sort of that “do unto others as you would want them to do unto you” rule.

Children naturally would prefer to go on vacation as a family, especially when they are young. I remember my children telling me how they wished I would have been on the trip to Orlando with them and their dad.

If you are recently divorced, young children may still be trying to figure out their new family dynamics. In their mind, they may perceive your not going as you do not want to go. Your children want and desire your approval and support. If they sense your disapproval or resentment of them going on vacation with the other parent, you may spoil and/or impact their vacation experience.

Also, young children can have issues of separation from one or both parents. The thought of leaving a parent behind for a week or several days can be stressful to them. In situations such as this, the child(ren) need reassurance and encouragement from you that both of you will be okay.

If you have any comments or stories you would like to share related to this topic, please free to leave them in the comment section below. Thank You!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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How much do you communicate with your ex-spouse? Often? Not much? More than you like? If you have children living at home or in college, chances are you need to communicate with your former spouse. If you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse, then communication may not be an issue for you.

For many divorced couples, there can be tension and stress when they have to communicate with each other. Or possibly you can get along with the typical day to day activity, but when it comes to making changes in the schedule, or certain decisions about the children, finances, etc. then the communication becomes stressed.

Typically the younger the children the more the parents have to communicate. Older children can speak up and voice their opinions and communicate basic information from one parent to another. This can reduce the need for parents to communicate.

If you and your former spouse have a hard time communicating with each other, regardless of the age of the children, do not put the burden of communicating non-basic information on them. Thanks to technology today, you can use email, voice mail or texting to communicate with your ex-spouse without having to speak with them directly.

Realize that initially when your divorce is fresh, emotions can be running high, communication may be more stressful or tense. As time goes by and you transition into your roles as single parents, communication may become easier. Do not be surprised if you experience periods where communication seems to be fine, followed by bumps in the road.

As parenting decisions arise, you may discover that you and your former spouse do not agree on how to handle various situations. If necessary get a third party involved to help you reach an agreement on how to handle a situation. Be sure to keep the kid’s best interest in mind. Decisions should not be based on revenge, anger, or your need to “win” over the other parent.

For more information on communicating with your ex, you can read my ezine article; Divorce: Tips for Communicating with Your Ex-Spouse When the Relationship is Stressed.

If you are a single parent with children living at home, the reality is that you will have to communicate with your former spouse. Understand you have no control over how your ex-spouse communicates, only how you communicate. Here are a few suggestions to keep mind:

• Avoid addressing issues when you are angry or upset with your former spouse.
• Allow yourself time to cool down and then respond.
• Disregard any negative or belittling comments made by the other spouse and stick to the facts or issue at hand.
• If a response is required, respond in a timely fashion.
• If needed, discuss the issue with a trusted friend or knowledgeable person to gain insight, another opinion or different perspective prior to responding. Sometimes talking through an issue with someone else will help you process the issue, gain better understanding, come up with different or more options.
• Try to be diplomatic in your response or presentation of an issue.
• Despite how your former spouse may be treating you, treat them the way you would like to be treated.
• When you respond in retaliation or revenge, you stoop to their level and give them more information to use against you.

I hope this information will be helpful to you as you learn to communicate with your former spouse in a new way. If you have any suggestions or comments on communication that you would like to share with others, feel free to leave a comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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