If you are a parent with children still living at home, about to separate or divorce, you will need to inform significant people in your children’s lives. Once you have told the children about your plans to separate/divorce, your children will begin trying to process this information. This news will create stress and confusion as they try to contemplate what this means to them personally, their family and their future.

As your children try to sort through and understand what this means to them, they are likely to speak with someone outside the family unit. Think about the significant adults in your children’s lives. What adults do they see on a regular basis? Who might they be comfortable opening up to about their feelings or situation? Who spends time with your child that may need to be aware of the change in family status? Who might recognize a change in behavior, attitude, performance, or personality that can let you know what they observe?

It is important to tell people who interact with your children on a regular basis, that you and your spouse are separating or getting divorced. If other adults are aware of your family situation, they may be able to comfort, offer support, advice, or encouragement to your child.

Be sure to let people know that you would appreciate them notifying you of any changes in behavior, demeanor, or apparent struggles your child may be experiencing. By letting others know of your concern, they will be more inclined to pay closer attention to your child and share their observations with you. Have you ever seen the shows on television where a person is in need of help and people walk on by because they do not want to get involved? People today may be reluctant to say anything and avoid getting involved.

Here is a perfect example. Today I heard of an elementary school music teacher who suspects a child in her class is suffering from depression. She is aware that the parents are going through a divorce, yet expressed her reluctance to say anything to the parents. When a good friend of mine heard the teacher make this comment, she encouraged her to speak with the parents. My friend shared with her that when she has experienced parents (of her children’s friends) going through a divorce, the parents have asked her to let them know if and when she observes any changes in their child’s behavior, or emotions that could be related to their divorce.

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming. There may be periods of time when you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot, merely surviving. It is good to have other people looking out for your children who may notice signs that your children are struggling or could use help coping with their circumstances. If you would like to read more information on this subject, you can read my recent Ezine article: “Beginning Divorce: Who Parents Need to Tell About Their Divorce.”

Today there is much more information and support available to help children through divorce than in years past. Helping your children process divorcess will not only benefit them now, but also in their future relationships. Realize that children may not express their struggles in front of their parents, because they do not want to add to your stress and pain.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser. All Rights Reserved.

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If thIs is your first “Valentine’s Day” as a single person in a while, getting through the holiday can be challenging. It is difficult not to be bombarded with messages and images of couples in love everywhere you go. I wonder when (if ever) did you have a perfectly romantic Valentines Day experience like the ones portrayed in the media? May be it is just me?

How many people do you think are disappointed each year when their love interest does not meet their expectations? How many people do you think give or do something out of obligation or expectation, rather than the motive of expressing their true love for another person on Valentines Day? Valentines Day marketing can lead people to believe if they are not in a relationship, they are in the minority, they might even be unlovable.

When people go through divorce it is not unusual for them to feel unlovable, especially around Valentine’s Day. I am here to tell you that “YOU are Lovable!” If your marriage has ended in divorce, that does not make you “unlovable.” I encourage you  to have a true perspective this Valentines Day. If Valentines Day is all about “love” is love limited to romantic relationships?

The true perspective is “You are lovable!” The truth is love gives life meaning and purpose. The world is looking for love, but what they are really looking for is God. God is love. 

The world would have us believe that we will find fulfillment in life through romantic relationships, money, material things, status, our appearance. Yet people who achieve these things are often left empty, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed.

It is actually when we walk in love, that we will find true fulfillment in life. When we walk in love we put love into action. We get the focus off of ourselves and reach out to others. It is not self seeking. Self seeking means you do something for others seeking something in return.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. (John 13:34). I am not suggesting that you send your ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse a Valentine. I would suggest that you take this Valentines Day and reach out to someone you love. This could be your children, your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbor. Is there someone who has blessed you lately, who has helped you through your divorce that you might want to bless? Even though you may not be in the mood to celebrate Valentines Day this year, why not take the time to show some appreciation or love to other people this Valentines Day?

Blessing others can be therapeutic. When we bless others (show them love) we often feel blessed in the process. Focus on who you love and appreciate this Valentines Day, and make your mind up to bless at least one other person.

God loves you everyday, all day. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. Receive the love He has for you and go share it with somebody else. You are God’s Valentine today and every day.

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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If you are a parent going through divorce or recently divorced, how did you explain the change in your family dynamics to your children? Do they understand what is happening to their family? Depending on the age of your children, the concept of divorce can be difficult to grasp.

Children may wonder if it is their fault their parents are divorcing? Why is their family changing? Does this change who I am? Younger children in particular who identify themselves mostly with their parents, family, friends and school may struggle with how divorce affects their identity.

When Lori Hilliard found herself going through a divorce she searched for resources to help her explain to her 5 year old son, Joshua, what was happening to their family and what it meant to him and his siblings. Lori states that she “found several wonderful books published on the subject of divorce, but they mostly featured make believe characters like talking teddy bears.”

Lori says she wanted a real child’s face for Joshua to see and identify with that would help him understand that other real children had been through a divorce and that it was not just a made up “character” story. Failure to find such a book led Lori to write the book, Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family . In her book, Lori uses actual photo’s of her children, herself and her ex-husband, to beautifully  illustrate her book and make it real. Her goal in writing Sending Love…My “Different-Functional” Family   is to help children understand that divorce is not their fault. Lori wants them to know just how much they are loved, despite the change in their family dynamics.

This book is written as a story by her 5 year old son, Joshua, explaining who he is and where he lives, his two homes, his family members and pets. At the end of the book there are pages for your child/children to tell their story. You will find a place for your children to put photos of themselves, mom, dad, their family, and things they like to do. At the very end of the book there is a place for each parent to write what they think about or love about the child or children, along with a signature line for both mom and dad to sign.

If you have children between the ages of 2 and 10, I would highly recommend you get Lori’s book. After I read Lori’s book written from a child’s perspective, using real life pictures, it made me wish she had written it 10 years ago. My children were 3 and 5 when their father chose the path of divorce. I think of how helpful this would have been to explain to our children what was happening to their family dynamics and what it meant to them.

THANK YOU, Lori, for taking the initiative to create such a valuable resource for children of divorce. Anyone who has been through, or is going through, a divorce knows what a devastating time it is in the life of a family. This book is an easy and incredible tool to use. It will help you reassure your children of just how much they are loved. Well done, Lori Hilliard!

If you would like to read an article about, Lori Hilliard, click here.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce, or if your divorce is final, what did you discover about your “friends” through this process? Did some people distance themselves while others drew closer to you? Were you able to determine who was truly your friend?

Divorce can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable and do not know how to handle a situation, they may avoid it all together. I often hear people say they would like to help someone going through a divorce, but do not know the best way to help. Sometimes when people distance themselves from us, it may be that they just don’t know what to do.

After divorce we no longer have a spouse, so our friends become even more important. We may rely on our friends to help us make decisions, to get another opinion, to bounce ideas off of them. If you do not have family near by, you may spend holidays with your friends and their families.

Since my children were 2 years and 4 years old when their dad moved out, I am thankful for the role my good friends and their families have played in my children’s lives. My children have been able to witness positive role models of good marriages, Christian families and intact families from our close friends.

If you have children at home, your children are watching you and the choices you make. The people we choose for friends will impact not only our lives but also our children’s lives. They will learn a lot about relationships, friendships and dating by what you model for them.

Choose your friends wisely. If you attend a Divorce Recovery group and make new friends, seek out like minded individuals. Use discernment and caution. Try to discern if the person desires to get healthy and move forward, or if the person is bitter and focused on the past. Divorce Recovery groups can be a great place to vent and process your feelings with people who can relate to your pain. However, it can be emotionally draining and unhealthy to be around people who remain stuck in the past with a negative attitude.

If you would like to read more about friends and divorce, you can read my recent Ezine article; Divorce: Who are Your Friends?

If you have an experience or thoughts on friends and divorce that you would like to share, feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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How much do you communicate with your ex-spouse? Often? Not much? More than you like? If you have children living at home or in college, chances are you need to communicate with your former spouse. If you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse, then communication may not be an issue for you.

For many divorced couples, there can be tension and stress when they have to communicate with each other. Or possibly you can get along with the typical day to day activity, but when it comes to making changes in the schedule, or certain decisions about the children, finances, etc. then the communication becomes stressed.

Typically the younger the children the more the parents have to communicate. Older children can speak up and voice their opinions and communicate basic information from one parent to another. This can reduce the need for parents to communicate.

If you and your former spouse have a hard time communicating with each other, regardless of the age of the children, do not put the burden of communicating non-basic information on them. Thanks to technology today, you can use email, voice mail or texting to communicate with your ex-spouse without having to speak with them directly.

Realize that initially when your divorce is fresh, emotions can be running high, communication may be more stressful or tense. As time goes by and you transition into your roles as single parents, communication may become easier. Do not be surprised if you experience periods where communication seems to be fine, followed by bumps in the road.

As parenting decisions arise, you may discover that you and your former spouse do not agree on how to handle various situations. If necessary get a third party involved to help you reach an agreement on how to handle a situation. Be sure to keep the kid’s best interest in mind. Decisions should not be based on revenge, anger, or your need to “win” over the other parent.

For more information on communicating with your ex, you can read my ezine article; Divorce: Tips for Communicating with Your Ex-Spouse When the Relationship is Stressed.

If you are a single parent with children living at home, the reality is that you will have to communicate with your former spouse. Understand you have no control over how your ex-spouse communicates, only how you communicate. Here are a few suggestions to keep mind:

• Avoid addressing issues when you are angry or upset with your former spouse.
• Allow yourself time to cool down and then respond.
• Disregard any negative or belittling comments made by the other spouse and stick to the facts or issue at hand.
• If a response is required, respond in a timely fashion.
• If needed, discuss the issue with a trusted friend or knowledgeable person to gain insight, another opinion or different perspective prior to responding. Sometimes talking through an issue with someone else will help you process the issue, gain better understanding, come up with different or more options.
• Try to be diplomatic in your response or presentation of an issue.
• Despite how your former spouse may be treating you, treat them the way you would like to be treated.
• When you respond in retaliation or revenge, you stoop to their level and give them more information to use against you.

I hope this information will be helpful to you as you learn to communicate with your former spouse in a new way. If you have any suggestions or comments on communication that you would like to share with others, feel free to leave a comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a single mom with children at home, what are you doing to help your children celebrate Father’s Day? If you are not on good terms with your ex husband, or maybe you just don’t like him right now, you need to put your feelings aside. Your ex-husband is still the father of your children. He deserves to be remembered on Father’s Day.

If your former-in-laws live near you and you can ask them to help your children honor their father on Father’s Day, then great. For many of us that is not an option.

If your ex-husband did not help the children do anything for you on Mother’s Day, you might be thinking well I am not going to do anything for him on Father’s Day. I know this can be difficult, but I would encourage you take the high road. Think of the children and what you are teaching them.

If you have small children they will certainly need your help and direction. Why not give them the materials they need to make something for their father? Is there a craft they like to do? Can they draw a picture of what they like to do with their dad? Do you have a cute photograph of the child(ren) that you could frame to give him?

Another idea that also works with older children, is give them a dollar amount and take them to the mall or a store and let them pick something out. Having the child make a Father’s Day card to go along with the gift can also be more personal and meaningful. Let the child wrap the gift, too.

For older children you may need to remind them to do something for Father’s Day. If they need your help with gift ideas, be willing to give them suggestions. If money is tight, suggest the older child create a coupon telling their dad that they will do some specific chore for him, or project. Maybe the child(ren) plan and prepare dinner, and/or plan a day or evening of doing something that their dad likes to do for fun. When kids get older and spend less time with their parents, spending quality time with the parent could be a real gift itself.

If doing something for Father’s Day is difficult for you, I encourage you to push past your feelings and help your children celebrate their father on Father’s Day. He is their father. As much as you may not feel like celebrating him, he deserves to be remembered. I hope you will do the right thing and go help your children.

This post is written from the perspective of generally speaking. I understand that there are situations where a father may have been abusive, or a father child relationship may not be healthy.

However, I am familiar with cases where divorced parents do not have an amicable relationship. In these situations I have known parents who do not want to do anything for the other parent, and yet there may not be anyone else to help the children. This post is meant to encourage adults to think of their children, putting their personal feelings aside.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you have recently become a single parent, this may be your first year to plan a summer vacation with just you and the children. If you have relocated from where you grew up, maybe you spend your summer vacations traveling back home to visit relatives and friends.

If you and your former spouse are from the same area, traveling back home for the first time can be awkward. My former husband and I both have family in Kansas City. I remember when I first took the kids back to visit my family and friends. At the time, when the separation/divorce was fresh it was a bit uncomfortable to go spend time with my in-laws.

My children were rather young so they pretty much went with the flow of wherever I would take them. I felt obligated to take my children to visit their other grandmother, aunt and uncle. Living in Colorado, my children had limited opportunities to see their relatives. I think it is important for them to know their relatives.

I recall contacting my mother-in-law and scheduling a time when she could have the kids for a few hours and have her daughter and son-in-law over to see them as well. I knew that in the future when their father would take the children to Kansas City, I would want my family to have the opportunity to see them.

Even though it was uncomfortable and not something I “really” wanted to do, I did it for the children and the relatives. Sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside and do what is best for the children and your former relatives. Your former relatives are still your children’s relatives.

If your summer travels take you where your former relatives are located, will you take the children to see their relatives? I understand every-one’s situation is unique. If possible, do what you can to arrange for your children to be able to visit their relatives, despite how you may feel.

For information on Planning A Summer Vacation as a Single Parent, click on the highlighted title to read my recent Ezine article. Feel free to leave comments, share experiences, or ask questions below concerning children and maintaining relationships with relatives and friends.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights reserved.

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I want to share with you a lesson that I had to learn the hard way. My hope is to spare you from making the same mistake I did. Please hear this and spare yourself the heartache. One of the things I "heard" in Divorce Recovery was to avoid getting into another relationship too quickly and to avoid getting into a relationship with someone else who is going through or has recently gone through a divorce/break up. 

Going through Divorce Recovery I realized how important it was for me to work through the process, and the value and growth that came from it. Since then I have been a big advocate for people to find a divorce recovery group, a support group, and/or therapy to help them become a healthy person.

Recently I wrote about being in a relationship with a controller, manipulator/narcissist. You see when I met this man, he was separated and headed for divorce, but not officially in the process. He put himself out on a Christian Internet Dating site. Even though the warning bells went off, we really connected, I thought I could help him. You see we spoke on the phone and emailed for awhile before we met.

He seemed so honest, wanting to do his work, going to therapy, claimed to be a "Christian," talked the talk, was close friends with his pastor and wife, active in his church. He was coming out of a 23 year marriage (his second marriage.) I have to admit I struggled with myself, Shelley, you know this guy has a lot of work to do. I thought he was dedicated to doing "his work." 

I am sure we all know the more time you invest in a relationship the harder it is to walk away. Let me just say that 14 months later when the relationship ended, I was broken hearted. (Now I am Praising God for sparing me and my children from what could have been me/us.) The man went on to meet another woman and proceeded to try and marry her within 6 weeks of our break up. The church stepped in and convinced him to postpone the marriage. He agreed to wait only a couple of months. The marriage lasted less than a year. He caused incredible pain to her and her children. Hurting people hurt people.

People who do not do their work carry their baggage into their future relationships. Eventually it is going to surface. I could tell you story after story now of people I know or hear about that avoid doing their work, jump into another relationship, and it ends in divorce or another heart break. No matter how charming or convincing someone may be, unless they are committed to doing their work and until they have done their work, do not get into relationship with them! RUN!

If you want to learn more about this subject, please read my ezine article: Divorce How to Prevent a Repeat 

Copy Right 2008  Shelley Grieser  All Rights Reserved

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Was your marriage partner controlling? Was he/she a Narcissist? Today I want to share a resource that provides valuable information and offers questions you can ask yourself to help identify a Manipulator, Controller or Narcissist. If you were not married to one, you may want to check out this resource anyway. You see, it was not until recently that I discovered a man that I dated for 14 months, and considered marrying, suffers from Narcassistic Personality Disorder (NPD.) I had no idea at the time.

I thought it was important to share this information for two reasons. First, possibly your ex-spouse was a manipulator/controller/narcissist and you never realized it until now, after you were out of the relationship. Second, as someone recovering from a divorce you may be more susceptible to getting in a relationship with a manipulator/controller/narcissist. As someone who fell into the trap, I wish I knew then what I know now.

When you begin to date again, there are questions you can ask yourself to discern if a person is a manipulator/controller/narcissist. I found this website to be quite helpful Divorce 360, not only on this subject but many other areas dealing with divorce.

After my dating relationship ended, this man quickly got into another relationship (trying to get married within 6 weeks of our breakup.)  Although the marriage was delayed a couple of months it lasted less than a year. His now 3rd ex-wife, contacted me out of the blue several weeks ago. As I learned details of their relationship. My heart ached for this woman and what he put her and her children through in 15 months. We both feared for the next woman that will fall victim to his ways.

I continue to praise God for sparing me and my children from what could have easily been us. I admit I went through a time of beating myself up, thinking how could I have been such a poor judge of character. I was able to find peace when I realized it can happen to anyone. So say the experts about what the chances are of getting romantically involved with a controlling manipulator. Even the most well grounded of us can find ourselves mired in the complex dynamics of a controlling relationship.   

“We want to all be loved and needed, and find that Prince Charming. You can be very educated, very attractive, feel good about yourself, but we all have susceptibility, no matter how high our self esteem is,” says Daniela E. Schreier, 37, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor of the Chicago School based in Illinois. “If a person is coming onto you, wants all of your time, is the perfect sexual match with lots of passion, it’s hard not to be seduced by that. You may not notice that the person is taking over your life. By the time you look back and notice it, you are already sucked in.”   

And if you are even just the wee bit vulnerable or, worse, coming out of a broken relationship or from a place of shaky self esteem, you are a particularly easy mark. “Most controllers are charming in the beginning. They say things like, ‘I will always be there for you. You can count on me. I am the one who really understands you,’”said Susan J. Elliott, 51, a New York-based lawyer, certified grief counselor and founder and CEO of Getting Past Your Past Productions, LLC.

I hope you will find the Divorce 360 website valuable to you in some way. Please feel free to share your comments (below) or experience from a manipulating/controlling or narcissistic relationship, and any other helpful resource you may have found relating to this topic.

Copyright 2008  Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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