Divorce is a devastating life changing event. Divorce is more than an “event” it is a process. As in any process there are different stages. The first stage is really when one (or both) partner(s) begin to entertain the idea that they no longer want to be married to the other person. Often times the person who initiates the divorce, has mentally and emotionally left the marriage relationship before mentioning any problem or unhappiness to the other spouse. The initiating spouse can begin a negative downward spiral and be done with the marriage before there is ever an opportunity to seek help and save the marriage.

When the non-initiating spouse finds out their partner wants a divorce, their first stage is generally “shock.” How can this be happening to me, to us? If there is any chance to save your marriage and work through differences, by all means seek professional help and do whatever you can to save your marriage.

If your spouse has informed you that he/she no longer wants to be married, despite your prayers and efforts to save your marriage, I am truly sorry. I know how horrifying this can be. At a time when you are overwhelmed with emotion and disbelief, traveling unfamiliar ground, it can be difficult to know what to do.

Here are 7 Practical Tips for What to do When Beginning the Divorce Process:

1. Pray. Submit your marriage relationship to God. Ask Him for emotional support, comfort, guidance, strength and wisdom. Ask God to bring the right people and resources into your life/path.
2. Ask family, friends, your church for their prayers and support. Submit prayer requests on line to various ministries or prayer chains. Requests can be made respecting your privacy. Now is a time to be covered in prayer.
3. Find someone you can trust, with whom you can share your feelings and process your thoughts and emotions. Talking through your feelings, putting your thoughts and emotions into words, can be very therapeutic and revealing for you. A trusted person can offer a different perspective and/or encouragement.
4. Remember that God is in control, so do not panic. You will get through this time.
5. Contact an attorney in your area to find out what you need to do. You can do some research on the internet to educate yourself on what you might expect. Preparing yourself with questions and concerns will help you to make the most of your time when you meet with an attorney. Attorney fees are not cheap, so take the time to prepare yourself prior to meeting with an attorney.
6. Look for a divorce support group in your area. Divorce recovery groups provide; emotional support, help you to learn and grow from divorce, a safe place to express your feelings, the oppotunity to meet and connect with others in the same situation.  Attending a divorce support group can also provide connections and networking for finding various professionals or services you may need throughout your divorce process.
7. Despite what you are feeling know that; You will survive. You will get through the process. You can do whatever you need to do. God is with you and He will see you through your divorce. Lean on HIm. Trust Him.

I know how scarey the beginning of the divorce process can be, especially if you are in a new location, and/or you do not know anyone else going through a divorce. It can seem like you are the only one in this situation. The sad truth is that you are not alone. The roller coaster of emotions, the uncontrollable tears are not unique. There are others currently going through the same devastation as you.

Each day will get better. It takes time. As time goes by, you will gain more strength. Before long the good days will out number the bad. The time will come when you will laugh, love and smile again. Let God be your strength, comfort and hope.

Romans 15:13; May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Are you feeling confused, or did you feel confused by your divorce? For many of us, when we got married we repeated wedding vows along the lines of “For better for worse, until death do us part.” I remember when my husband first mentioned the “D” word, I thought to myself, what about our wedding vows did they not mean anything? How could my husband have misunderstood the vow to mean “For better for worse, or until I change my mind?”

If God hates divorce, how can this be happening? It doesn’t make sense. This is not how the dream is suppose to turn out. Trying to understand how one partner reaches the decision that they want to get divorced can be very confusing for the other partner. In your quest to understand did you ever ask “Why God Why?” How can this be happening?

I think it is only natural to want to understand. In our pursuit of understanding we try so hard to figure it out with reasoning.  Reasoning leads to confusion. Confusion can be so frustrating and stressful. God does not want us to be confused. Satan is the author of confusion.

1 Corinthians 14:33 (Amplified Bible) For He [Who is the source of their prophesying] is not a God of confusion and disorder but of peace and order.

If you are like many people who just don’t understand why their marriage had to end in divorce, might I suggest stop trying to figure it out. Trying to figure it out will drain you. Confusion is a battle in your mind that you are not likely to win. Don’t give into the temptation of reasoning, needing to figure it out. Somethings we may never understand. We may never get the answers and explanations we desire or feel we deserve. We can waste an awful lot of time, and energy trying to figure it out.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (Amplified Bible) For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,

  [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One),

If the Word instructs us to not try and figure things out, then we need to listen and obey. Sometimes only God knows the answer and He is not telling us. We need to trust Him. If we are to find out or understand, He will reveal it to us in His time. This is when we need to develop an attitude of faith.

How about you, did your divorce cause you confusion? How did you handle the confusion? Did you try to reason and rationalize it? Did you ever get an acceptable answer? Are you still trying to figure it out or have you let it go? Please feel free to share your thoughts below.

*I should clarify here that I believe we can and should ask questions of our spouse. You may or may not get an answer. The answer you get may not be acceptable in your eyes, or you may not understand it.  I am not suggesting you be passive. We can certainly ponder a situation. It is when we get into confusion, rationalizing and reasoning that we need to turn it over to God.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights reserved.

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As you know, I have been sharing from the book When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce,”  by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Even if you are not a Christian, I think you would still find valuable insight from this book. I wish that I had found Mr. Kniskern’s book when I was going through my divorce or during my separation. When I was going through the initial discovery of our marriage problems,  I remember saying to my husband, What, you’re not happy? Let’s go to counseling, we can work through this, everything will be okay. In reality, it was already over. Yes, I was the unsuspecting accomplice, Joseph Warren Kniskern writes about.

I wonder if any of the information I have been sharing has helped you in understanding the break up in your marriage? I wonder for myself if I was in such denial that reading about the “Big Picture” from Mr. Kniskern, would I have been able to see this as clearly as I do now? I remember how frustrating it was to be willing to do “whatever” to make our marriage work and not understanding how this person I married could be so unwilling to put forth any effort to save our marriage. At the time it made no sense to me.

Since my divorce I have heard this same story over and over again. Couples who have been married for years, even decades where one spouse wants out of the marriage, by the time they inform the unsuspecting spouse they are already done with the marriage. I can’t say that I truly understand or agree with the initiators behavior/actions, rather I have gained an awareness of the initiator’s mindset.

Today let’s look at the denial mind set of the non-initiating spouse. If you recall, at this point the initiating spouse has decided he/she wants out of the marriage and is planning their escape, anticipating how the other spouse will take it, who will move out, how quickly can they get divorced, etc. While the non-initiating spouse suspects nothing, other than maybe a little marital stress.

Joseph Warren Kniskern states: “Why do so many problems pass by completely unnoticed by the non-initiator? Perception factors affecting non-initiators are part of the reason, but there are some other significant differences. Non-initiators, for example, may settle into marriage roles that are more comfortable and secure regardless of how their mates feel. The non-initiator may be a weaker marriage partner in communication and intimacy. He or she may view the marriage more as an institution to be preserved rather than a dynamic relationship. Confrontation can be deflected by interruptions or distractions. The non-initiator may externalize and depersonalize matters more to avoid any introspection about serious difficulties.”

One scenario of a typical non-initiator could be the husband who is the successful businessman providing for his family. The wife may be a homemaker. She provides a clean house, homemade meals and shuttles the kids to and from school and their respective activities. The husband arrives home wanting to sit down and read the paper or watch the news, uninterrupted. The wife may be looking forward to talking to her husband or need to discuss things concerning her, the children or the family. The husband is tired after a long stressful day at the office and not very interested or attentive to her needs. The husband feels like he is doing his job by providing for the family. The wife feels her needs are being neglected.

The wife becomes frustrated as her need for communication, emotional support and intimacy are not being met. She is trying to get his attention, but her husband does not understand. If she becomes pushy, he may take out his frustrations with work out on her. The wife’s unmet needs are not satisfied by the “comforts of a home” or the fact that the husband is “providing.”  Her thoughts may be if her husband was not so centered on himself he would notice something might be wrong.

Mr. Kniskern says that apathy is the most damaging flaw of the non-initiator. He says that he or she does not care enough to act. I am not sure I completely agree with that statement. I don’t think it is always a matter of not caring. I think it can be more avoidance of an issue, hoping that the problem or stress will pass or go away. Perhaps it is the fear to confront. Never the less, needs are not being met, communication is certainly not effective or productive. The marriage partners grow apart. They live in the same home, share the same bed, coexist together, yet the marriage is not being nurtured.

“When the initiator confronts the non-initiator with problems, denial is quite often immediate. “You can’t be right. We love each other.” If a problem is acknowledged, the non-initiator is convinced that everything can be easily resolved.” Does this sound familiar to any of you? How about you, were you willing to negotiate away problems and able to tolerate circumstances that your spouse found intolerable? When your spouse raised his/her complaints did you dismiss them as trivial, nothing really serious? If you were the non-initiator did you believe and see only what you wanted to see and then ignored or denied the rest?

If you were the non-initiator, when you reflect back, did your spouse attempt to revitalize your marriage at some point and did you ignore their effort? If so, then I suspect you were shocked when your spouse informed you he/she wanted a divorce. At that point you were ready to do whatever, but it was too late.

As I reflect back on my experience, I would have to say that my husband had pretty much checked out when he made a brief attempt to change something in our marriage. Shortly after that he informed me he was not happy. A broken marriage relationship is always complicated. We may never get the answers to questions we have for our former spouse. We may never understand exactly why it happened. When we find ourselves divorced we have two choices, we can accept our new reality and move forward with our life, or we can remain living in the past, wondering if only…., and blaming our former spouse for ruining our life. What have you chosen?

I would be interested in hearing if you can relate to Mr. Kniskern’s description of the non-initiator’s mindset. Did any of this information resonate with you? Has this information helped you in any way to understand your own situation? Please feel free to comment below.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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If you have ever been on the receiving end of a request to separate or divorce, you may have been wondering to yourself "what was he/she thinking?" It was helpful to me in my healing process to learn what goes on in the mind of the initiator and how my husband could come to the point of "I am ready to move on." So often, one spouse is shocked to find out their mate wants to separate or divorce. The non-initiator can not understand why? Unfortunately by the time the initiating spouse informs their partner of their desire to separate or divorce, he/she has already given up on the marriage.

In the book When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce,"  Joseph Warren Kniskern walks us through the process in the mind of the initiator. He tells us that "subconsciously the initiator begins reacting negatively to any patterns of rigidity, alienation of affection, changing priorities, competition for time and events, and similar stresses in a marriage. Eventually these displeasure’s build until they are impossible to ignore any longer."

This process usually evolves over a period of years but can happen in just a matter of months. The initiator struggles with these thoughts as they begin to entertain the options, the morality of divorce and all the while the desire to escape is feeding on itself and growing. During this time the initiator is able to validate in his/her mind that divorce is okay.

At this point the initiator thinks the marriage is not working. Even though there may be many good things about the marriage, the initiator’s focus is on the negative, all those things that irritate and bother him/her about the non-initiator.

As the initiator magnifies the negatives, the more they are able to justify and convince themselves that the marriage is not working. The initiator is now looking for every negative imperfect behavior, attitude or action for building a case for divorce. I remember actually finding a list my husband had written of things he did not like about me and our marriage. Funny, I never found a list of positive things about me or our marriage.

At this point the initiator may begin criticizing the non-initiator of their weaknesses and faults. the non-initiator can feel nagged. If the non-initiator reacts defensively, trying to justify themselves, the initiator views it as their spouse "just will not listen to me." As this continues both drive the problem deeper, most likely refusing to discuss the issues. In the mind of the initiator they have been making mental notes, which further helps them to justify and rationalize away their guilty feelings of divorce.

Sometimes the initiator will throw themselves into their work and begin to have dreams and fantasies of life outside of the marriage, a new beginning. You know, the grass is looking greener on the other side of the street mentality.

It is often times at this point when a new love interest may enter into the picture. The desire to escape and for independence grows, as the initiator blames their spouse for the way they feel. The tension in the marriage builds, intimacy is gone, conversations are dull and boring, couples may spend less time together and argue over trivial things.

Pride may develop in the heart of the initiator as he/she feels satisfaction of being in control of their destiny. Often times the initiator has kept  the secret of ending the marriage to himself/herself. The initiator has already worked through many of the emotions that come with divorce and is ready to act. The initiator is done with the marriage. Any attempts at couples counseling are often too late and fruitless. The partners are in two completely different places emotionally.

This is when the initiator begins thinking through the details of divorce; approaching the non-initiator, how it will play out, who will leave and where they will go, how quick can they get divorced, how much will it cost…? The plans are being made in the mind of the initiator. The non-initiator still knows nothing.

I think this scenario is fairly accurate of what happened in my marriage and in so many others I hear about. The initiator has already given up on the marriage without ever telling their spouse they are unhappy or would like to "work" on some things in the marriage. How about you? Does this description of the mind of the initiator seem to be true in your situation? If you were the initiator of your divorce, would you agree or disagree that this is the process your mind went through to come to the decision to get separated or divorced? Any constructive thoughts or comments are welcome below.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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Today we continue with Joseph Warren Kniskern’s book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," If you recall, Joseph Warren Kniskern begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from the beginning.  We have been covering the 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.

To refresh your memory, the first perception factor was The Romance Myth, followed by The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover, then there was: Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment. The fourth factor was Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage. The final perception factor we will review is:

Low Self-Esteem

Let’s face it all of us struggle with low self-esteem from time to time. If you think not everyone does, how about this definition of pride. Pride is the belief that you have excellent self-esteem but it is actually a mask behind which low-self esteem hides.

Self-esteem is your overall opinion of yourself — how you honestly feel about and value yourself. Self-esteem involves judging your worth as a person. When you have a low self-esteem you generally feel you are not "good enough", something is missing. If only you could fill that emptiness then you would be "okay."  Our culture and society today would tell us we need to pursue money, sex, power, the perfect body, or a certain status. Once we achieve that particular missing element, we will be okay.

One starts to believe the answer to their problem is external. A person may find themselves jumping from job to job, place to place, interest to interest, or person to person looking for happiness and fulfillment. Often times falling into the trap of "if only I had married….,"  "if only I had more money, or would be promoted to Vice President," … then I would be happy.

If you get caught in the trap of low self-esteem then your focus in life becomes changing the world around you, which may include your marriage. It is much easier to try and change the external things in our life than it is to take an honest look at our own lives and change ourselves. For those of you that were the non-initiator in your marriage break up, I hope this will provide some comfort. It is often not about "you." I am not saying that you had no part in the break up of your marriage. We all contribute to the success or failure of our marriages. I want to share what John Warren Kniskern wrote:

"At first we were concerned about meeting the "right one" to marry. Now we are learning how important is is to be the "right one" for someone else. Zig Ziglar said it well:

If you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you."

I think there is so much truth to what Zig Ziglar said. I believe the world puts the emphasis on marrying the right kind of person rather than "being" the right kind of person.

The perception factors we have covered are not the complete list. There are more factors that can work on our minds to distort the way we view people. The process of one’s perceptions that create doubt and feed the emptiness inside generally occurs over a period of time. The timing is different for everyone.

Now that we have looked at various "perception factors" that affect how each of us views our partner and relationships, I want to take a look at the Mind of the Initiator. For the non-initiator spouse who is left wondering, "what happened?" I believe looking into the mind of the initiator will help give you insight into the bigger picture. Join me next time when we will try to grasp the Mind of the Initiator.

If you saw evidence of low self-esteem in your marriage and how it played a role, please feel free to share your comments or thoughts below. You may think you are the only one who feels a certain way, but once you share you will be amazed to find out how many others have felt the same way or experienced something similar.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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I have been sharing from a great resource book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The author begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from the beginning.  He covers 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.

The first perception factor was The Romance Myth. The second factor was The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover. The third perception factor was: Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment. The fourth factor is:

Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage

This factor has evolved with the changes in society, lifestyle and people having multiple jobs during their career. Traditionally neighbors and friends used to enjoy relationships that lasted for years and years. The men would go hunting, fish or golf together, women would share coffee in the mornings, families would get together for a meal. My parents played bridge with other couples.

Today people often move away from their hometown for jobs right out of college, or simply to relocate, people get up rooted by their companies or move for another job in their industry. People lose touch when they move. The pace of life has sped up dramatically with both parents working, children involved in numerous activities and more opportunites for our time, even if you do not move around people often barely know their neighbors. When people move away from their hometown and families spread out in numerous locations, visits with extended familes can become expensive and impractical.

Without these valuable friendships, besides boredom, a spouse may look to their partner to fulfill their friendship needs. This can be draining when a spouse has the responsibility of fulfilling their partner’s needs for a spouse, family and friends. The pressure can lead to frustration and depression and you guessed it, doubt in the relationship.

This perception factor resonated with me. After living in Kansas City for 30 years, my husband’s company had several downsizes and he eventually lost his job. Although we tried to stay in Kansas City where our family and friends were, we ended up having to relocate to Colorado. For my husband, he had his new job to keep him busy. I was a stay at home mom with a toddler and another one on the way, with no friends or family. Sure I made some new friends in time, but it was really hard for me to leave all of my family and good friends.

As you reflect back on your marriage did alienation of relationships play a role in your marriage? If so, how? Would love to hear your comments.

Our final perception factor we will cover next time is: Low Self-Esteem

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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In case you have not read the previous two posts, I have been sharing from an excellent book called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce," by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The author begins his book taking a look at the "Big Picture," asking his readers to look at their marriage from when the relationship began up until the present. He covers 5 "perception factors" that can begin to change the focus in the mind of the initiator spouse (the one wanting the divorce) and prompt doubts in the relationship.

The first perception factor was The Romance Myth. The second factor was The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover. Today’s perception factor is:

Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment

Joseph Warren Kniskern states that "Husbands traditionally were seen to be caretakers, provider- the spouse who is more "business oriented." Wives were nuturers, keepers of the home-the ones more communicative and emotional. Children watch parents in these roles. Then as married adults, they try to emulate what they saw."

If our parents had a well adjusted marriage then we were better prepared to have a good start in our marriages. On the other hand, if our parents were divorced, or a parent passed away, or some other flaw, then we could only learn from our experience. We may not have had role models to emulate, so we are left to do the best that we can.

In today’s society we are moving away from the traditional family relationships and bonding. We have both parents working outside the home, children in daycare, or the mother might be the primary bread winner and the father stays home with the kids. One or both parents may be working long hours. Children are spending more time in front of the TV and computers, leaving them to find their role models in  TV characters or other adults.

As an adult if a spouse has unmet needs from when he/she was a child, they may unfairly look to their spouse to fulfill those parental needs. Instead of seeking help from a counselor, friends or church, that spouse may demand more from their mate. When looking to a spouse to complete us where we may feel unfulfilled, it creates an enormous burden. When the other spouse is not willing or able to fulfill those parental needs, the needy spouse may become disappointed or angry. Just as we cannot depend on our spouse to "make us happy," we cannot depend on our spouse to "complete us as a person."

Unless a couple is able to break the mold of past experience and build a healthy marriage, their marriage is doomed.

When you reflect on your marriage, do you think the change in the traditional family played any role in the breakup of your marriage? Do you think the parental role models you or your spouse had contributed to your divorce or separation? I would be curious to hear your thoughts. Please share any thoughts or  comments you might have below.

The next "perception factor" we will cover is: Alienation of Relationships Outside of Marriage

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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If you recall from the previous post, I was sharing from the book "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorce" by Joseph Warren Kniskern. I thought it was valuable for us to understand the "Big Picture" by taking a look at how our marriage relationships began. In his book, Joseph Warren Kniskern gives 5 "perception factors" that can prompt doubts in a marriage relationship and lead to divorce. The first factor was The Romance Myth. Today we continue with the second "perception factor:"

The Urge to Give Our Mates a Makeover

If you are honest, more than likely there was at least 1 or 2 (maybe more?) habits, views, or character traits that you did not particularly like about your spouse when you married them. In your conscious or subconscious mind you thought you just might be able to change them. Sometimes, we learn to live with the habit, view or trait, or we accept it, and other times we attempt to give them a makeover.

For the initiator, they may try in a variety of ways to change the other spouse to fit into their own image of them. The initiator may gradually try to control the other person, their will, and/or identity in efforts to make them change. These attempts are almost always destined to fail.

The way you view your mate and the way your mate views you is often flawed. Your personal histories, life experiences, and value judgments distort your perception. Some of us grew up unfulfilled in love. You may not realize it, but your childhood experiences with your parents and siblings often determines whom you love and how you love.

Dysfunctional families, whether it was violence, sexual abuse, alcoholism, or some other issue, leave their marks on each family member. If your parents had an unhealthy relationship, if there was disrespect, unkindness, then you inherit a negative role model for your adult relationships. As you journey through life, you will encounter rejection from peers, your bosses or teachers may judge you inferior, you are sure to face disappointment and failure, it is part of life.

All of your life experiences influence you and affect your perception of reality. As much as your spouse may think you need a makeover, or you think they need a makeover, who are you to try and change the other person? Unfortunately after the "honeymoon stage" some partners become fixated on giving their spouse a makeover. When it fails they begin to doubt the relationship.

As you look back over your marriage relationship, did you ever try to give your spouse a makeover? Did your spouse ever try to give you a makeover? If so, what happened? I would love to hear your experience, please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

The next "perception factor" we will cover is Gender Role Confusion and Parental Fulfillment

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser 

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One of the Divorce Recovery groups I mentioned in my post on 7/14/08, was DivorceCare. Joseph Warren Kniskern wrote an excellent book filled with practical  advice called, "When the Vow Breaks – A Survival Guide for Christians Facing Divorce." This book is labeled as a DivorceCare Resource. Joseph Warren Kniskern is a compassionate Christian attorney who has walked the path of divorce.

I like how Joseph Warren Kniskern begins the book with a look at the "Big Picture." To try and understand and learn from our marriages, it is important to look at how our relationships began. What expectations and past experiences did you or your spouse bring to your marriage? For the next few days we will look at some "perception factors" that can create doubts and lead to the"Terminal Marriage Shock."

In his book, Mr. Kniskern refers to the spouses as the initiator and the non-initiator. The initiator spouse is the one who first decides to get out of the marriage because he/she usually wants personal freedom and happiness more than what is best for the other partner. The non-initiator is the spouse not wanting a divorce.

When the initiator married, he/she had all sorts of expectations for the marriage. For awhile there is contentment. The couple is in the "honeymoon stage" of the marriage. Basic needs are being met; security, love, acceptance. Then slowly the initiators focus begins to change and various "perception factors" prompt doubts. Joseph Warren Kniskern addresses 5 "perception factors." Today we will cover the first one.

The Romance Myth

We have all been fed the message by the media that romance equals love. Yet the two can be very different. The media would lead us to believe that our spouse is this beautiful princess or the knight in shining armor. We start to believe our partner will give us a lifetime of bliss as they meet all of our needs, while strengthening our weaknesses. However, this is not reality!

When we are ruled by our emotions, we marry someone we believe can fulfill our mental fantasies. We cannot accept them for who they really are. Instead we have illusions of making them who and what we want them to be.

Then there is sexual attraction. We often confuse sex for love. We use sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy. We also forget that beauty is fleeting. We believe this "good-looking" person will make up for everything else that may be lacking.

Romance when disguised as love, will fall at the feet of the vivacious personality, the alluring appearance, the sense of humor, and all of the other characteristics of a "good catch." But romance will not get its own feet dirty when these qualities fade. This type of "love" lasts only as long as the initial attraction.

We all know that marriage is not easy. It takes work and it will be tested. This is when you find out if love really exists, because romance has headed for the nearest exit. Love accepts the person, supports them and stands by them. Love is committed to the end. Romance on the other hand, begins to crumble when flexibility or endurance is required. This may be when you begin to realize the romance lie. Romance cannot accept the spouse for who they really are, but rejects them when they fail to meet their flawed expectations.

How about you? Was your marriage based on romance or love? If you can relate to this "perception factor" or have thoughts to share, please feel free to leave a comment.

Next time we will cover the perception factor; The Urge to Give our Mates a Makeover.

copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser

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