Are you struggling with the holiday season this year? Do memories of the past trigger sadness for the present? The holidays can be especially difficult for the first year of being single. It is okay to recall past memories of happy holiday seasons. Be thankful for those memories.

When we think of holidays, we think of parties and gatherings of family and friends. You probably have received an invitation or two to such an event. If this is your first year as a single person, you will need to decide what feels right for you. You may have friends that try to tell you what they “think” you need. If you don’t want to go to a certain gathering, you prefer to stay home, then stay home.

If your life has been really busy, having some time to do what you want to do may be a welcomed opportunity. I know that for myself having children, the time they were with their father often gave me a chance to get last minute details finished, or to finally relax when the celebrations were over.

Tips for Getting Through the Holidays:

1. Do what feels right for you. If family or friends try to pressure you into doing what they think you should do, let them know you appreciate their concern, but let them know what you want to do. Everyone is different. For some people they may want to be alone and for others they may need to be around other people. You decide what is best for you.
2. Pamper yourself. Give yourself permission to do something you enjoy. This could be relaxing reading a book, watching a movie, having a friend over, working on a hobby you enjoy, ordering take out from a favorite restaurant, or preparing a special meal/dish.
3. Focus on the reason for the season. Instead of focusing on your circumstances, be intentional about focusing on Christmas, Jesus birth and the reason we celebrate. Read the Christmas story in the Bible, or a book about Christmas, or watch a movie about the meaning of Christmas, try to learn something new.
4. Make a Gratitude list. Write a list of all the things you have to be thankful for in 2009.
5. Make a list of things you would like to do in the coming year. You could brainstorm on how you might make them happen. Is there a friend or family member you would like to do something with? Could you begin researching details or information about a trip or hobby you would like to begin?
6. Avoid beating yourself up. If you decide not to do something you have traditionally done for years, give yourself permission not to do it this year, to take a break or to start a new tradition. It is okay to give yourself a break or to change traditions.
7. God is with you. It is not unusual to feel lonely during the holidays. If you find yourself feeling lonely, remember you are not alone. Seek God and His presence. How does that look for you? Is it reading your Bible, listening to teaching tapes, sermons, worship music, talking to a mentor, or fellow believer?
8. Avoid dwelling on circumstances and events for which you have no control. If you find yourself having a pity party, then redirect your thoughts and focus on someone else. Get your mind off of yourself. There are several things you can do;

• Ask yourself if there is someone you could bless by doing something for them? giving them something? buying them something? Then do it.
• Is there somewhere you could volunteer or help others and make a difference?
• Journal or write out prayers for other people. Is there someone who could use encouragement from a phone call or a card in the mail? A small gift of appreciation or thoughtfulness from you?

You will get through the holidays. The media would like us all to believe that this is a joyous, happy, wonderful time of the year. Everyone is with family and friends having fun, celebrating with delicious food and receiving an abundance of gifts. Even though we know this is not reality, we can easily fall into the trap of believing everyone else is having a glorious holiday except for us. Please know that the first year of being single is usually the most difficult. It will get better. Do the best you can to get through it.

May God bless you with His peace, healing and comfort this holiday season.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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I wonder where you are in the divorce process? Are you in the state of shock? denial? devastation, barely able to function? Maybe you are going through the motions of the divorce process, feeling numb to life? Possibly you have reached a point of just wanting the divorce to be final, you are tired and worn out? It could be that your divorce is final and you are craving some peace, comfort, restoration and healing from the battle.

Today I want to encourage you to persevere through the valley. I know it hurts. I understand the pain and the brokenness. Going through the process can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. Some days you may have wondered is it worth it? Yes, it is.

I want you to understand that there is hope. Life will get better if you decide to persevere and not remain in the valley. It takes time. You need to take it one step at a time, allowing yourself to grieve, to learn from this experience, to grow and to heal. We live in a world of instant gratification. Pain is uncomfortable, so we often look for ways to eliminate it or move on too quickly.

As a word of caution, avoiding the pain, looking and/or finding someone else without going through the grieving, healing and restoring process is not persevering through the valley. Moving on without doing your work only leads to problems in future relationships.

Another word of caution on the flip side, avoid becoming comfortable with your pain and remaining in the valley. Have you ever known someone who got divorced and never recovered? This is the person who blames their former spouse for leaving them, possibly having an affair, for ruining their life and their future. This person ends up living with a victim mentality, embracing self pity. For them it is safer and more comfortable to live with the pain than to take responsibility for their life and risk moving forward.

Another scenario of remaining in the valley can be when someone has hopes to one day reconcile or remarry their former spouse. A person can remain stuck hanging onto their hope, without doing their work. The most successful reconciliations occur when the two people have done their work and become healthy individuals. People do remarry and I think it is wonderful when a couple can reconcile. Again, I want to stress the importance of going through the valley, doing your work without avoiding it.

If you are in the beginning or middle of your divorce process, I want to encourage you to pay attention to the mistakes people can make by choosing to avoid the pain, or on the other end of the spectrum, choosing to remain in the valley with their pain. Determine to persevere through the pain. Determine to do your work now so you can become a healthy person.

It is never too late. If you have been divorced for awhile, maybe it has been years, and you feel like you are stuck in the valley, it is never too late to rise up on the other side. After divorce, people can press forward through the motions of life only to wake up and discover they are merely existing. They realize they want more out of life. If this sounds like you, take comfort. It is never too late to begin again.

You might be saying to yourself, Shelley, I appreciate you encouraging me to persevere through the valley, but persevering is hard. In my next post I will share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

If you would like to read more about this topic you can read my recent ezine; Divorce: Will You Rise Up from the Valley?  It is my prayer for you, that you will make your mind up to go through the valley and determine to rise up and come out on the other side. God still has a great purpose for you.

Jermiah 29:11 says; “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce or your divorce process is final, I wonder if you truly know the “reason” for your divorce? Did your spouse have an affair, or are they “in love” with someone else? Possibly the reason you were given was, “I just don’t love you any more,” or how about this one, “I am not happy. I want to be happy.”

Are any of these satisfactory reasons or explanations for a divorce? I wonder what did your spouse say to you, (if you were on the receiving end) when he/she asked for a divorce? Whatever the reason that may have been given, does it make it any easier to move on? The fact that a spouse gives you a “reason,” is it really necessary to have a “reason” before you can move on with your life?

Let me explain what prompted me to write about this subject. I was recently involved in a conversation where a person’s husband had asked her for a divorce and refused to give her any explanation. The divorce is final. This woman continues to be hung up on getting an explanation. She is so focused on this issue that it is preventing her from moving forward with her life.

I understand her desire to have some sort of an explanation. When a person is wanting to walk out on what is intended to be a life time commitment, I believe the spouse is entitled to an explanation. However, we do not always get what we want. Since we have no control over other people, we can request an explanation as many times as we want, but it does not mean we will ever get one. So what do you do?

If this happened to you, if your spouse did not give you an explanation or a “satisfactory” explanation, I encourage you to let it go. The fact is your ex-spouse decided they no longer wanted to be in a marriage relationship with you. (I do not mean this to sound harsh) Having a “valid” (after all what is “valid”?) reason will not change your circumstances. Your former spouse took action to move on with his/her life. Now you have a choice to make. Will you choose to accept your circumstances and move forward? Or will you choose to put your life on hold, hoping some day to get an explanation as to why your ex-spouse wanted to get a divorce?

If you would like to read more about this subject, you can read my recent e-zine article; “Is Not Knowing the “Reason” for Your Divorce Holding You Back?”  Feel free to share comments from your experience below. What are your thoughts. Do you think having an explanation helps you to have closure with your marriage/divorce relationship? Does having an explanation make it any easier? Your story may help someone else.

Blessings to you as you persevere to let go of the past and embrace your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Let me start off by saying, “Divorce does not make you a failure.”  Just because your marriage may have failed, you are not a failure!  Zig Ziglar says,”Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers as long as we are not crushed by it – as long as we learn from it.”

Too often people that get divorced allow themselves to get crushed by it, rather than learning from it. The people who get crushed by it remain stuck and hopeless. The people who learn from it, will accept responsibility for their part in the marriage failure, discover how to make changes and better choices in the future, and move forward with their life. People who move forward understand that their past does not define their future.

Zig Ziglar in his book “Better Than Good, Creating a Life You Can’t Wait to Live” lists the following as some of the best lessons to learn from failure:

Failure teaches us to depend on God.

Failure teaches us humility.

Failure teaches us that we can’t always get what we want.

Failure teaches us to make a correction in our course of action.

Failure teaches us character.

Failure teaches us perseverance.

Failure teaches us that we can survive.

If you are like most people you fear failure. Yet, there is so much to learn from failure. You may be saying to yourself it is one thing to fail a test, or to fail at trying to lose weight, but to fail in your marriage, that is huge.

It is true, some failures are more significant than others. Some failures are easier to admit than others. I believe we often struggle more with the failure of our marriage because we feel we have not only failed ourselves, but our spouse, our family and God.

Years ago David Brinkley interviewed Ann Landers, the advice columnist. He asked her what was the question she received most often? Her answer: “What is wrong with me?” It was apparent to her that people struggle with feelings of failure, negative thoughts or beliefs about themselves.

To overcome adversity and failure it comes down to your perspective and how you choose to respond. How do you perceive your divorce and how will you choose to respond? Divorce is devastating, there is no doubt about it. Will you allow it to crush you or will you learn from it?  How many of the lessons mentioned above have you learned?

Blessings to you as you ponder the lessons to be learned and the value you can take from your failed marriage.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I wanted to share with you a link to a blog post from Your Daily Blessing by Dr. Randy Peck on August 26th. The post is titled 4 Steps to Healing Your Broken Heart. During and after a divorce we are often in critical need of healing for our broken hearts.

Dr. Peck’s post is in reference to Renato Amato’s teleseminar titled “Simple Steps To Heal Your Broken Heart and Transform Your Life.” with Lynne Lee of the Christian Coaching Cafe. If you go to Randy’s blog post you can get access to the audio of the teleseminar and listen at your convenience.

Dr. Peck summarized Renato Amato’s “4 steps to heal your broken heart” as follows:

“1) STOP and make time. Make time to pay attention to what is going on in your
heart.

2) Go to the doctor, the soul doctor (Jesus). Use that time to seek the
counsel of God. Commune with the LORD in your heart. Pour out your heart to Him.
Learn to recognize His voice.

3) The LORD will help you understand the big picture, the “God Factor”
(Romans 8:28)

4) Roll away the stone – God is going to tell you what to do”

If you heart is hurting and you want to know what you can do to heal your heart, I encourage you to listen to Renato Amato’s teleseminar. Healing your broken heart takes faith, time and action. Are you ready to move forward in healing your broken heart?

I have had the privilege of doing a teleseminar with Lynne Lee (U.K.) and a webinar with Dr. Peck and participated in a few classes with Renato Amato (Italy). It has been my experience that all three of these individuals have a huge heart for God and a desire to help others. I encourage you to check out their blog sites by clicking on their highlighted names. I believe you will find encouragement, comfort and inspiration for your journey to recovery, as you browse their sites.

Blessings to you on your healing journey to recovery.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If your divorce process is final, then you are officially a “Survivor” of one of the most difficult seasons in your life. If you are still in the divorce process then it is a matter of time before you, too, will be a Divorce Survivor! When the journey began you may have wondered if you would survive the process? You did, or you will.

People who survive challenging life events such as divorce, death of a loved one, cancer or some other serious health issue, accident or fire, rarely come through the event unchanged. When faced with challenging life events we often find ourselves living from a state of survival mode. Day to day life may seem a blur. It may feel like we are functioning on autopilot.

As you persevere through the process, you no doubt emerge stronger, wiser, more independent, resourceful, possibly more confident in your abilities. If you are a Christian you likely have developed a deeper relationship with God, a stronger faith, a peace that you do not understand, comfort, unexpected blessings, an ability to persevere and endure beyond your imagination.

Surviving divorce is no small achievement. You may just be thankful that you survived. I would encourage you to take some time to reflect on your divorce experience and consider how you would answer the questions below:

How did divorce change you? What kind of a survivor are you? Did you come out bitter? or better? What did you learn in the process? Did you learn some things about yourself that you did not know or realize before? How did you contribute to the failure of your marriage? What can you do differently in the future? Despite the fact that divorce is a tragic event, what positives did you discover, or what good came out of your divorce? What advice would you give someone else going through divorce? What was the best advice you received?

Possibly you have already asked yourself some of these questions? If not, why not take some time to think about them. If you keep a journal, writing down the answers to these questions in your journal can be therapeutic and healing. Don’t waste the divorce experience by merely surviving. Take what you can from your divorce experience to learn and grow.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Have you ever had someone share a secret with you? Possibly something happened in your community and you happened to be friends with the person(s) involved, or had inside connections to the “event” that happened. You were informed of the details by the source or victim of the event. Then a neighbor mentions the event to you based on the rumors going around. When you hear the rumors, you realize how much it differs from the truth.

Have you ever noticed in the absence of information that people will often make up their own story or assumptions? We see this a lot with celebrities and the tabloids. You just can’t believe everything you hear.

Have you ever had someone make untrue accusations about you? If it was someone you did not know very well or may not place much value on their opinion, you may have been able to easily brush it off. But what if it was someone who knows you fairly well, a close friend, or worse yet your spouse? It might not be so easy to brush it off.

In fact, their accusation may cause you to re-evaluate the statement and ask yourself, could this be true? After all when someone close to us, who we tend to share our hearts and allow to know us more intimately makes a negative comment about us, we take it personally. A negative comment can cut us to our core and cause us to doubt our value and self worth.

If you are going through a divorce or recently divorced, did this happen to you in your marriage? When a marriage begins to break down, the initiator of the divorce can develop a negative perspective of their partner and marriage. The initiator’s focus can be only on the negative. Before long the initiating partner can begin making negative statements to their partner. This can take place over a period of months or years.

Over time the initiating spouse can convince themselves their negative perceptions are true about their spouse. The more negative attributes they can find in their spouse helps them to justify their desire to leave the marriage. In the process of convincing themselves, the initiating spouse may also convince their partner the negative comments or perceived imperfections are true.

If your former spouse made negative comments about you, your character, your personality, take time for a reality check. Don’t believe everything you heard. Understand that many of the negative or derogatory comments directed towards you are not true. Consider the source, the mindset of your former spouse at the time. It is quite possible the statements have no validity or truth.

If you are interested in reading more about this topic, read my recent Ezine article Post Divorce: Recognizing and Dealing with Untrue Accusations

Divorce brings enough pain and rejection. At a time when your self worth and value are at an all time low it is easy to believe such negative statements. Take the time during your Divorce Recovery to discover the truth. Ask yourself and others close to you,  if there is any truth to the negative statements? Is there something you need to address? Are there behaviors, thoughts or actions you may want to change in the future? Or were the statements not valid, stemming from your former spouse’s guilt, hurt, anger and/or insecurity? Don’t automatically believe everything you hear!

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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