If thIs is your first “Valentine’s Day” as a single person in a while, getting through the holiday can be challenging. It is difficult not to be bombarded with messages and images of couples in love everywhere you go. I wonder when (if ever) did you have a perfectly romantic Valentines Day experience like the ones portrayed in the media? May be it is just me?

How many people do you think are disappointed each year when their love interest does not meet their expectations? How many people do you think give or do something out of obligation or expectation, rather than the motive of expressing their true love for another person on Valentines Day? Valentines Day marketing can lead people to believe if they are not in a relationship, they are in the minority, they might even be unlovable.

When people go through divorce it is not unusual for them to feel unlovable, especially around Valentine’s Day. I am here to tell you that “YOU are Lovable!” If your marriage has ended in divorce, that does not make you “unlovable.” I encourage you  to have a true perspective this Valentines Day. If Valentines Day is all about “love” is love limited to romantic relationships?

The true perspective is “You are lovable!” The truth is love gives life meaning and purpose. The world is looking for love, but what they are really looking for is God. God is love. 

The world would have us believe that we will find fulfillment in life through romantic relationships, money, material things, status, our appearance. Yet people who achieve these things are often left empty, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed.

It is actually when we walk in love, that we will find true fulfillment in life. When we walk in love we put love into action. We get the focus off of ourselves and reach out to others. It is not self seeking. Self seeking means you do something for others seeking something in return.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. (John 13:34). I am not suggesting that you send your ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse a Valentine. I would suggest that you take this Valentines Day and reach out to someone you love. This could be your children, your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbor. Is there someone who has blessed you lately, who has helped you through your divorce that you might want to bless? Even though you may not be in the mood to celebrate Valentines Day this year, why not take the time to show some appreciation or love to other people this Valentines Day?

Blessing others can be therapeutic. When we bless others (show them love) we often feel blessed in the process. Focus on who you love and appreciate this Valentines Day, and make your mind up to bless at least one other person.

God loves you everyday, all day. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. Receive the love He has for you and go share it with somebody else. You are God’s Valentine today and every day.

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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We cannot always control our circumstances, nor can we control other people. The only thing we can control is how we respond to our circumstances and the choices we make. It can be really frustrating when our circumstances take a downward turn and no matter what we do, despite our best efforts and prayers, we can not change them.

If you are in the process of divorce, you may relate to the frustration of feeling like you have no control. Possibly your spouse gave up on your marriage and/or found someone else. You may feel as if your life has been turned upside down and there is nothing you can do about it. Being forced to go through a divorce you never wanted can be devastating, unfair, crushing.

The truth and reality becomes, we are getting divorced. We may not like it. We may not want it, but it is reality. Now what? How does one persevere through the valley? In my last post I told you I would share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

Below I have listed the 4 main sources that encouraged and motivated me to persevere through the valley.

Faith. If you are a Christian believer, your faith is the best source of encouragement. Seeking God, His Word, wisdom, guidance and promises can give you the strength, hope and encouragement to persevere.

For me, I “thought” I was a Christian, before my marriage problems. It was not until I was faced with problems in my marriage that I became a true “believer” and developed a relationship with God.

Counseling/Therapy. Meeting with a good therapist or counselor that can help you sort through the emotions, feelings, grieving process and gain understanding. For me it was important to work with a Christian to help me process all of this through a faith perspective.

Support. Who is your support system? Family? Friends? Be sure to do the best you can to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. At the same time, it is important to find support from people who share the same faith, beliefs and values, as you do.

Amazing how much advice you may receive that does not align with your values and beliefs. Going through my separation, becoming a “believer,” I learned a lot about people based on their advice and thoughts they shared with me. I really had to use discernment and process some of the advice with more mature Christians.

Be open to seeking out support. If you do not have any friends or family near you or who have gone through divorce, find people who are going through or have been through a divorce. People going through a divorce can feel like they are the only one. Not true.

For those of you who do not know my story, I had moved to Colorado away from all my family and friends. The friends I had made were all married. A year and a half after moving to Colorado, my marriage issues surfaced. Finding a divorce recovery group was one of the best things that helped me persevere through the journey. 

Children. When you have children living at home and you are about to become a single parent, may your children be a source of encouragement. For me, my children were very young. I knew I needed to get myself healthy, to overcome my divorce and try to become the best parent I could be. I came from a broken home. I never wanted my children to experience divorce. My children were a great source of motivation for me to recover.

I hope these sources give you ideas or inspiration to help you persevere through the valley. God never said that life would be easy. The Bible says we can expect trials and tribulations. It is in the “going through” that we become refined, learn and grow. It develops our “character.” If you feel like you already have enough “character” you are not alone. I remember thinking; “How much character do I need?” God knew.

If you have any thoughts on this topic, or would like to share a source of encouragement to persevere, feel free to leave a comment below. You never know when your comment may help someone else. Blessings to you as you persevere through the valley.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce or your divorce process is final, I wonder if you truly know the “reason” for your divorce? Did your spouse have an affair, or are they “in love” with someone else? Possibly the reason you were given was, “I just don’t love you any more,” or how about this one, “I am not happy. I want to be happy.”

Are any of these satisfactory reasons or explanations for a divorce? I wonder what did your spouse say to you, (if you were on the receiving end) when he/she asked for a divorce? Whatever the reason that may have been given, does it make it any easier to move on? The fact that a spouse gives you a “reason,” is it really necessary to have a “reason” before you can move on with your life?

Let me explain what prompted me to write about this subject. I was recently involved in a conversation where a person’s husband had asked her for a divorce and refused to give her any explanation. The divorce is final. This woman continues to be hung up on getting an explanation. She is so focused on this issue that it is preventing her from moving forward with her life.

I understand her desire to have some sort of an explanation. When a person is wanting to walk out on what is intended to be a life time commitment, I believe the spouse is entitled to an explanation. However, we do not always get what we want. Since we have no control over other people, we can request an explanation as many times as we want, but it does not mean we will ever get one. So what do you do?

If this happened to you, if your spouse did not give you an explanation or a “satisfactory” explanation, I encourage you to let it go. The fact is your ex-spouse decided they no longer wanted to be in a marriage relationship with you. (I do not mean this to sound harsh) Having a “valid” (after all what is “valid”?) reason will not change your circumstances. Your former spouse took action to move on with his/her life. Now you have a choice to make. Will you choose to accept your circumstances and move forward? Or will you choose to put your life on hold, hoping some day to get an explanation as to why your ex-spouse wanted to get a divorce?

If you would like to read more about this subject, you can read my recent e-zine article; “Is Not Knowing the “Reason” for Your Divorce Holding You Back?”  Feel free to share comments from your experience below. What are your thoughts. Do you think having an explanation helps you to have closure with your marriage/divorce relationship? Does having an explanation make it any easier? Your story may help someone else.

Blessings to you as you persevere to let go of the past and embrace your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I want to tell you about an upcoming teleseminar that will be given by Carrie C. Stone. I was recently introduced to Carrie Stone during a teleseminar “How to Discover Your Destiny” that she did with Lynne Lee on her Christian Coaching Cafe.

I was so  impressed with Carrie, her wisdom, excellent communication and presentation skills, her authenticity, honesty, inspirational message and desire to help others discover and live out their God-given destiny.

During the teleseminar, Carrie addressed how life is constantly changing, ever expanding, ever confusing. If you are in the process of divorce or maybe you recently completed the divorce process, you are all to familiar with change, stretching beyond your comfort zone and may have even felt some confusion along the way.

Immediately after listening to Carrie, I knew she was someone who had a message and a mission that would greatly benefit my readers. I was excited to learn about her upcoming telesminar series Four Weeks to Freedom. 

Carrie’s teleseminar series Four Weeks to Freedom is about overcoming the paralysis of fear and beginning to live the life of your dreams. I don’t know about you, but my divorce left me full of fear. I feared for my children and how divorce was going to impact their lives, I feared for the future, for finances, taking care of home maintenace and repairs, returning to the work force. If you are anything like I was, you could use help overcoming your fears. The reality is we will never get rid of fear, so why not learn some steps for handling our fear?

I believe Carrie will be sharing valuable information for anyone on their path of recovery from divorce. See if this information would be helpful to you moving forward and rebuilding your life. Here are some of the things Carrie will provide in Four Weeks to Freedom: 

If you click on Four Weeks to Freedom  you can watch a video of Carrie telling you about her teleseminar series and about her new book titled: “Fear the Four Letter Word” I encourage you to watch the brief video and decide whether this teleseminar would benefit you. You will need to act quickly, as the teleseminar series begins next week.

Satan sends fear to torment us so we will be doubtful, miserable, paralyzed, preventing us from moving forward into doing what God wants us to do, and to keep us from receiving all that God has for us. 

2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Let me start off by saying, “Divorce does not make you a failure.”  Just because your marriage may have failed, you are not a failure!  Zig Ziglar says,”Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers as long as we are not crushed by it – as long as we learn from it.”

Too often people that get divorced allow themselves to get crushed by it, rather than learning from it. The people who get crushed by it remain stuck and hopeless. The people who learn from it, will accept responsibility for their part in the marriage failure, discover how to make changes and better choices in the future, and move forward with their life. People who move forward understand that their past does not define their future.

Zig Ziglar in his book “Better Than Good, Creating a Life You Can’t Wait to Live” lists the following as some of the best lessons to learn from failure:

Failure teaches us to depend on God.

Failure teaches us humility.

Failure teaches us that we can’t always get what we want.

Failure teaches us to make a correction in our course of action.

Failure teaches us character.

Failure teaches us perseverance.

Failure teaches us that we can survive.

If you are like most people you fear failure. Yet, there is so much to learn from failure. You may be saying to yourself it is one thing to fail a test, or to fail at trying to lose weight, but to fail in your marriage, that is huge.

It is true, some failures are more significant than others. Some failures are easier to admit than others. I believe we often struggle more with the failure of our marriage because we feel we have not only failed ourselves, but our spouse, our family and God.

Years ago David Brinkley interviewed Ann Landers, the advice columnist. He asked her what was the question she received most often? Her answer: “What is wrong with me?” It was apparent to her that people struggle with feelings of failure, negative thoughts or beliefs about themselves.

To overcome adversity and failure it comes down to your perspective and how you choose to respond. How do you perceive your divorce and how will you choose to respond? Divorce is devastating, there is no doubt about it. Will you allow it to crush you or will you learn from it?  How many of the lessons mentioned above have you learned?

Blessings to you as you ponder the lessons to be learned and the value you can take from your failed marriage.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If I asked you “What are your core values?” chances are you would struggle to answer the question. You see, most people are not consciously aware of their personal core values. When we go through life changes, such as divorce, our values or the priorities of certain values can change. Let’s take a look at what I mean by core values.

Core values are not descriptions of the work we do or the strategies we employ to accomplish our mission, or purpose. Core values underlie our work, how we interact with others, and which strategies we employ to fulfill our mission, or purpose. Our core values are the basic elements of how we go about our work and life. They are the practices we use (or should be using) everyday in everything we do.

In reality when we are not fully aware of our values, we might as well be saying we are not fully aware of what is important to us. Values are the foundation of our behavior. They define what is most important to us, they are the filter we use in making decisions, they are the motivating force behind our work, our passions, our life.

When you begin to rebuild your life after divorce, begin rebuilding with your foundation. Identifying your core values and understanding the priority you place on them, are key steps in establishing your foundation. When your values are clear you can make sure they are present, or a priority, in your life. Determining your core values will help you discover who you are. In the past, your values and their priority were most likely influenced and possibly determined, by and with, your spouse.

As you take the time to explore what you value, be prepared to ask yourself if this is something you truly value or was this something your former spouse valued? You may find certain values are not important to you while others are more important to you personally.

Once you have clarity on your values, think about how and where you are living out your values in your everyday life. Do you need to make some changes to incorporate your core values or get rid of some past values? As you live your life in alignment with your values, you will experience more fulfillment.

If you need help discovering your values and rebuilding your life, I can help you with the process. Often times we need someone to come alongside of us, to ask the right questions, to guide, motivate and encourage us to move forward and hold us accountable. If you wonder whether or not life coaching is for you, feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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When your life gets turned upside down by a major life changing event, such as a divorce, you find yourself in need of a new life plan. Post divorce is a new beginning. Possibly you had dreams and goals for achieving your dreams with your spouse. Or maybe you had dreams but no plan or goals for achieving them. Some people hold onto the idea that “everything will just work out.” Yet, if you just went through a divorce, you may be realizing that life doesn’t always “just work out” like in the fairy tales.

As you begin to rebuild your life, I encourage you to take the time to think about your future. Think about the different areas in your life, for example;

• family
• relationships (dating?)
• friends
• faith
• career
• interests
• personal
• health/exercise
• volunteering/serving
• travel

When you think of these different areas give yourself permission to explore possibilities, to dream, to create a vision of how you would like these areas to look in your future. You can use different time frames, say 6 months, 1 year, 3-5 years, 10 years depending on the area. Some areas may have short term and long term visions.

Brainstorm

I suggest getting a notebook, or journal, and brainstorm. Write down your thoughts for each of the different areas that apply to you, add new ones, if you desire. This is not something to do in one sitting. Pick it up when you have time, preferably when you can get still, some place quiet. Avoid any negative thoughts or voices that tell you “you’re crazy,” “that is impossible,” “you could never do that,” “you are not smart enough,” “you will never be able to afford that..” Give yourself the freedom to write whatever comes to mind.

What Are Your Interests?

Is there an interest or hobby you had to give up when you got married or started your family? Possibly you have an interest in learning or doing some activity, sport or hobby but never had the time, money or opportunity to pursue that interest, write it down. There are no right or wrong answers here. This can be for your eyes only, unless you want to share it with someone.

Will You Have a Plan?

How will you know where you are going, or if you are headed in the right direction, if you have no idea what you want or desire in your future? Will you be happy or content if you just let life happen and take it as it comes? What if you miss out on some great opportunities, fulfilling a dream, or the chance to live out your life purpose, how will you feel?

Will Your Life be Better or Worse?

Some people get caught up in anger, self pity, holding onto the past, believing they do not deserve a good future, or feel rejected and unworthy of another relationship or marriage. Some people see their future as gloom and doom and fail to move forward. I find it sad when I hear about people who get divorced and their life never gets any better. Divorce becomes their defining moment in life. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Would You Like to Enjoy Your Future?

What if your life could be better than it ever was before? What if you discovered who you are, your life purpose and lived a fulfilling life? What if you could enjoy your future? Would you be willing to put forth some effort to make it happen? Think about the options. How do you see your future?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce, or if your divorce is final, what did you discover about your “friends” through this process? Did some people distance themselves while others drew closer to you? Were you able to determine who was truly your friend?

Divorce can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable and do not know how to handle a situation, they may avoid it all together. I often hear people say they would like to help someone going through a divorce, but do not know the best way to help. Sometimes when people distance themselves from us, it may be that they just don’t know what to do.

After divorce we no longer have a spouse, so our friends become even more important. We may rely on our friends to help us make decisions, to get another opinion, to bounce ideas off of them. If you do not have family near by, you may spend holidays with your friends and their families.

Since my children were 2 years and 4 years old when their dad moved out, I am thankful for the role my good friends and their families have played in my children’s lives. My children have been able to witness positive role models of good marriages, Christian families and intact families from our close friends.

If you have children at home, your children are watching you and the choices you make. The people we choose for friends will impact not only our lives but also our children’s lives. They will learn a lot about relationships, friendships and dating by what you model for them.

Choose your friends wisely. If you attend a Divorce Recovery group and make new friends, seek out like minded individuals. Use discernment and caution. Try to discern if the person desires to get healthy and move forward, or if the person is bitter and focused on the past. Divorce Recovery groups can be a great place to vent and process your feelings with people who can relate to your pain. However, it can be emotionally draining and unhealthy to be around people who remain stuck in the past with a negative attitude.

If you would like to read more about friends and divorce, you can read my recent Ezine article; Divorce: Who are Your Friends?

If you have an experience or thoughts on friends and divorce that you would like to share, feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Today I wanted to share with you a link to a blog post from Your Daily Blessing by Dr. Randy Peck on August 26th. The post is titled 4 Steps to Healing Your Broken Heart. During and after a divorce we are often in critical need of healing for our broken hearts.

Dr. Peck’s post is in reference to Renato Amato’s teleseminar titled “Simple Steps To Heal Your Broken Heart and Transform Your Life.” with Lynne Lee of the Christian Coaching Cafe. If you go to Randy’s blog post you can get access to the audio of the teleseminar and listen at your convenience.

Dr. Peck summarized Renato Amato’s “4 steps to heal your broken heart” as follows:

“1) STOP and make time. Make time to pay attention to what is going on in your
heart.

2) Go to the doctor, the soul doctor (Jesus). Use that time to seek the
counsel of God. Commune with the LORD in your heart. Pour out your heart to Him.
Learn to recognize His voice.

3) The LORD will help you understand the big picture, the “God Factor”
(Romans 8:28)

4) Roll away the stone – God is going to tell you what to do”

If you heart is hurting and you want to know what you can do to heal your heart, I encourage you to listen to Renato Amato’s teleseminar. Healing your broken heart takes faith, time and action. Are you ready to move forward in healing your broken heart?

I have had the privilege of doing a teleseminar with Lynne Lee (U.K.) and a webinar with Dr. Peck and participated in a few classes with Renato Amato (Italy). It has been my experience that all three of these individuals have a huge heart for God and a desire to help others. I encourage you to check out their blog sites by clicking on their highlighted names. I believe you will find encouragement, comfort and inspiration for your journey to recovery, as you browse their sites.

Blessings to you on your healing journey to recovery.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Your attitude is a choice you make. You may have heard the saying “Your circumstances do not determine your attitude, it is your reaction to your circumstances that determines your attitude. If you choose to take a positive approach in difficult times, even during divorce, you can take control of your life.

A positive approach does not mean that you are “happy” about your circumstances, or that your circumstances are not difficult. A positive approach is looking at our circumstances, accepting our reality, having the courage to change the things we can control (taking action) and letting go of those things which we cannot control. A positive approach looks for good in the circumstances, the blessings, the things for which we can be thankful.

I like this essay by Charles Swindoll on the importance of having a positive attitude.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our pasts, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you- we are in charge of our attitudes.

During and after a divorce, I often see people dwelling on things for which they have no control. I admit I was guilty of focusing on things I could not control, like my ex-husband and choices he made, how he parented our children, the poor example he was setting, etc. It can take time to learn to let go of those things you cannot control and focus on those things you can control.

The next time you find yourself having a bad attitude, stop and take a reality check. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I have a bad attitude?
• Is there anything I can do to change my circumstances?
• How is this attitude serving me?
• What can I do to change my attitude?
• Is there something I need to let go of? If there is something out of your control, turn it over to God and trust Him with the outcome.
• Do I need to change my belief about my circumstances? Sometimes it is our belief about our circumstances that can affect our attitude.
• Realize that you are the one choosing your attitude. Will you continue with this attitude or choose to change your attitude?

So, how is your attitude today? Is there an area where you might need to change your attitude? What do you think you could do to change your attitude? Are you willing to take the necessary action(s) to change your attitude? If not now, when will you be ready?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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