Divorce is a devastating life changing event. Divorce is more than an “event” it is a process. As in any process there are different stages. The first stage is really when one (or both) partner(s) begin to entertain the idea that they no longer want to be married to the other person. Often times the person who initiates the divorce, has mentally and emotionally left the marriage relationship before mentioning any problem or unhappiness to the other spouse. The initiating spouse can begin a negative downward spiral and be done with the marriage before there is ever an opportunity to seek help and save the marriage.

When the non-initiating spouse finds out their partner wants a divorce, their first stage is generally “shock.” How can this be happening to me, to us? If there is any chance to save your marriage and work through differences, by all means seek professional help and do whatever you can to save your marriage.

If your spouse has informed you that he/she no longer wants to be married, despite your prayers and efforts to save your marriage, I am truly sorry. I know how horrifying this can be. At a time when you are overwhelmed with emotion and disbelief, traveling unfamiliar ground, it can be difficult to know what to do.

Here are 7 Practical Tips for What to do When Beginning the Divorce Process:

1. Pray. Submit your marriage relationship to God. Ask Him for emotional support, comfort, guidance, strength and wisdom. Ask God to bring the right people and resources into your life/path.
2. Ask family, friends, your church for their prayers and support. Submit prayer requests on line to various ministries or prayer chains. Requests can be made respecting your privacy. Now is a time to be covered in prayer.
3. Find someone you can trust, with whom you can share your feelings and process your thoughts and emotions. Talking through your feelings, putting your thoughts and emotions into words, can be very therapeutic and revealing for you. A trusted person can offer a different perspective and/or encouragement.
4. Remember that God is in control, so do not panic. You will get through this time.
5. Contact an attorney in your area to find out what you need to do. You can do some research on the internet to educate yourself on what you might expect. Preparing yourself with questions and concerns will help you to make the most of your time when you meet with an attorney. Attorney fees are not cheap, so take the time to prepare yourself prior to meeting with an attorney.
6. Look for a divorce support group in your area. Divorce recovery groups provide; emotional support, help you to learn and grow from divorce, a safe place to express your feelings, the oppotunity to meet and connect with others in the same situation.  Attending a divorce support group can also provide connections and networking for finding various professionals or services you may need throughout your divorce process.
7. Despite what you are feeling know that; You will survive. You will get through the process. You can do whatever you need to do. God is with you and He will see you through your divorce. Lean on HIm. Trust Him.

I know how scarey the beginning of the divorce process can be, especially if you are in a new location, and/or you do not know anyone else going through a divorce. It can seem like you are the only one in this situation. The sad truth is that you are not alone. The roller coaster of emotions, the uncontrollable tears are not unique. There are others currently going through the same devastation as you.

Each day will get better. It takes time. As time goes by, you will gain more strength. Before long the good days will out number the bad. The time will come when you will laugh, love and smile again. Let God be your strength, comfort and hope.

Romans 15:13; May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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My previous post about being single again and Valentines Day focused on what you might do for others. This post will focus on you. It is so important to remember to take care of yourself. It is quite common for people who are divorced or in the process of divorce to feel rejected, unloved, lonely and/or depressed. Throw in all of the hype for Valentines Day and you may have more than enough triggers to accelerate these feelings.

This Valentines Day LOVE yourself! Now please do not get me wrong here. I do not mean love yourself in a selfish, self centered, self absorbed sort of way. I am suggesting that you take care of yourself. Do something loving for yourself.

If you have children at home who depend on you, it is even more important to take care of yourself. I am sure you have heard this before, if you do not take care of yourself then it is more difficult to take care of others. This is so true. Taking care of yourself physically, making a point to exercise and eating healthy can help you emotionally when you are struggling. Often times we can get busy taking care of others, attending to work, daily details and neglect ourselves.

Give yourself permission to do something good for you, for Valentines Day! Think about what energizes you, what would lift your spirits, what is something special you do not normally do for yourself that would be a special treat? I have listed some ideas below to get your creative mind flowing.  

• Massage
• Dinner or lunch at one of your favorite restaurants
• Carry out dinner from one of your favorite restaurants
• Flowers, chocolate,
• Go to see a movie you have been wanting to see with a friend. Funny movies can be healing!
• Schedule time to do one of your favorite hobbies; if one of your hobbies involves exercise like hiking, biking, walking, running, skiing, all the better!
• Shopping – maybe you have a gift card you have not used. Now might be a great time to use it.
• Treat yourself to something that fits within your budget whether it is a new book, music, manicure, pedicure, television, shoes, something for one of your hobbies.

Consider doing something special for yourself. Maybe you have not taken the time to do anything for you for awhile, or possibly there is something that would normally make you feel guilty spending the money on yourself? It is okay to do something special for yourself. Be realistic and reasonable. Keep it within your budget. 

This Valentines Day take care of yourself in a healthy way!

May your day be blessed with something that brings you joy!

Feel free to share your thoughts or ideas in the comment section below, on what you intend to do to take care of you on Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser  All Rights Reserved.

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I was browsing through my book “Growing Through Divorce”  by Jim Smoke today and thought I would share a list he created, titled “The Ten Commandments for Formerly Married People.”  Jim Smoke was a pioneer in the divorce recovery field in the 1970’s. Based upon his wealth of experience helping people transition from married to single, Jim compiled a list of behavior, attitudes and/or actions people should follow when going through a divorce. It has been 15 years since this book was published, and the information in this book and list of commandments are still relevant and wise advice for anyone going through divorce today.  

 The Ten Commandments for Formerly Marrieds

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past.
2. Thou shalt be responsible for thy present and not blame thy past for it.
3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely.
4. Thou shalt assume thy end of the blame for thy marriage dissolvement.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy future by a quick, new marriage.
6. Thou shalt not make thy children the victims of thy past marriage.
7. Thou shalt not spend all thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible and evil their departed parent is.
8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one parent family and get on with it.
9. Thou shalt ask others for help when thou needest it.
10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury yesterday, create today, and plan for tomorrow.

“Growing Through Divorce” was originally released in 1995. Reading Jim’s book today, his wisdom and advice are written like a Life Coach, before Life Coaching was really practiced and recognized. Jim takes the perspective that each person faced with divorce has a choice of growing through divorce or simply going through divorce. He provides practical guidance as he acknowledges the depth of pain, encourages people to be accountable, to learn from this experience, and take responsibility for their future. 

If you are someone who wants to learn and grow from your divorce, if you are willing to be accountable and responsible for your future, then you would greatly benefit from reading this book. If Jim Smoke’s approach appeals to you and you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you through divorce, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2010 ~ Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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I wonder where you are in the divorce process? Are you in the state of shock? denial? devastation, barely able to function? Maybe you are going through the motions of the divorce process, feeling numb to life? Possibly you have reached a point of just wanting the divorce to be final, you are tired and worn out? It could be that your divorce is final and you are craving some peace, comfort, restoration and healing from the battle.

Today I want to encourage you to persevere through the valley. I know it hurts. I understand the pain and the brokenness. Going through the process can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. Some days you may have wondered is it worth it? Yes, it is.

I want you to understand that there is hope. Life will get better if you decide to persevere and not remain in the valley. It takes time. You need to take it one step at a time, allowing yourself to grieve, to learn from this experience, to grow and to heal. We live in a world of instant gratification. Pain is uncomfortable, so we often look for ways to eliminate it or move on too quickly.

As a word of caution, avoiding the pain, looking and/or finding someone else without going through the grieving, healing and restoring process is not persevering through the valley. Moving on without doing your work only leads to problems in future relationships.

Another word of caution on the flip side, avoid becoming comfortable with your pain and remaining in the valley. Have you ever known someone who got divorced and never recovered? This is the person who blames their former spouse for leaving them, possibly having an affair, for ruining their life and their future. This person ends up living with a victim mentality, embracing self pity. For them it is safer and more comfortable to live with the pain than to take responsibility for their life and risk moving forward.

Another scenario of remaining in the valley can be when someone has hopes to one day reconcile or remarry their former spouse. A person can remain stuck hanging onto their hope, without doing their work. The most successful reconciliations occur when the two people have done their work and become healthy individuals. People do remarry and I think it is wonderful when a couple can reconcile. Again, I want to stress the importance of going through the valley, doing your work without avoiding it.

If you are in the beginning or middle of your divorce process, I want to encourage you to pay attention to the mistakes people can make by choosing to avoid the pain, or on the other end of the spectrum, choosing to remain in the valley with their pain. Determine to persevere through the pain. Determine to do your work now so you can become a healthy person.

It is never too late. If you have been divorced for awhile, maybe it has been years, and you feel like you are stuck in the valley, it is never too late to rise up on the other side. After divorce, people can press forward through the motions of life only to wake up and discover they are merely existing. They realize they want more out of life. If this sounds like you, take comfort. It is never too late to begin again.

You might be saying to yourself, Shelley, I appreciate you encouraging me to persevere through the valley, but persevering is hard. In my next post I will share how I found encouragement to persevere through the valley.

If you would like to read more about this topic you can read my recent ezine; Divorce: Will You Rise Up from the Valley?  It is my prayer for you, that you will make your mind up to go through the valley and determine to rise up and come out on the other side. God still has a great purpose for you.

Jermiah 29:11 says; “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce or your divorce process is final, I wonder if you truly know the “reason” for your divorce? Did your spouse have an affair, or are they “in love” with someone else? Possibly the reason you were given was, “I just don’t love you any more,” or how about this one, “I am not happy. I want to be happy.”

Are any of these satisfactory reasons or explanations for a divorce? I wonder what did your spouse say to you, (if you were on the receiving end) when he/she asked for a divorce? Whatever the reason that may have been given, does it make it any easier to move on? The fact that a spouse gives you a “reason,” is it really necessary to have a “reason” before you can move on with your life?

Let me explain what prompted me to write about this subject. I was recently involved in a conversation where a person’s husband had asked her for a divorce and refused to give her any explanation. The divorce is final. This woman continues to be hung up on getting an explanation. She is so focused on this issue that it is preventing her from moving forward with her life.

I understand her desire to have some sort of an explanation. When a person is wanting to walk out on what is intended to be a life time commitment, I believe the spouse is entitled to an explanation. However, we do not always get what we want. Since we have no control over other people, we can request an explanation as many times as we want, but it does not mean we will ever get one. So what do you do?

If this happened to you, if your spouse did not give you an explanation or a “satisfactory” explanation, I encourage you to let it go. The fact is your ex-spouse decided they no longer wanted to be in a marriage relationship with you. (I do not mean this to sound harsh) Having a “valid” (after all what is “valid”?) reason will not change your circumstances. Your former spouse took action to move on with his/her life. Now you have a choice to make. Will you choose to accept your circumstances and move forward? Or will you choose to put your life on hold, hoping some day to get an explanation as to why your ex-spouse wanted to get a divorce?

If you would like to read more about this subject, you can read my recent e-zine article; “Is Not Knowing the “Reason” for Your Divorce Holding You Back?”  Feel free to share comments from your experience below. What are your thoughts. Do you think having an explanation helps you to have closure with your marriage/divorce relationship? Does having an explanation make it any easier? Your story may help someone else.

Blessings to you as you persevere to let go of the past and embrace your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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When your life gets turned upside down by a major life changing event, such as a divorce, you find yourself in need of a new life plan. Post divorce is a new beginning. Possibly you had dreams and goals for achieving your dreams with your spouse. Or maybe you had dreams but no plan or goals for achieving them. Some people hold onto the idea that “everything will just work out.” Yet, if you just went through a divorce, you may be realizing that life doesn’t always “just work out” like in the fairy tales.

As you begin to rebuild your life, I encourage you to take the time to think about your future. Think about the different areas in your life, for example;

• family
• relationships (dating?)
• friends
• faith
• career
• interests
• personal
• health/exercise
• volunteering/serving
• travel

When you think of these different areas give yourself permission to explore possibilities, to dream, to create a vision of how you would like these areas to look in your future. You can use different time frames, say 6 months, 1 year, 3-5 years, 10 years depending on the area. Some areas may have short term and long term visions.

Brainstorm

I suggest getting a notebook, or journal, and brainstorm. Write down your thoughts for each of the different areas that apply to you, add new ones, if you desire. This is not something to do in one sitting. Pick it up when you have time, preferably when you can get still, some place quiet. Avoid any negative thoughts or voices that tell you “you’re crazy,” “that is impossible,” “you could never do that,” “you are not smart enough,” “you will never be able to afford that..” Give yourself the freedom to write whatever comes to mind.

What Are Your Interests?

Is there an interest or hobby you had to give up when you got married or started your family? Possibly you have an interest in learning or doing some activity, sport or hobby but never had the time, money or opportunity to pursue that interest, write it down. There are no right or wrong answers here. This can be for your eyes only, unless you want to share it with someone.

Will You Have a Plan?

How will you know where you are going, or if you are headed in the right direction, if you have no idea what you want or desire in your future? Will you be happy or content if you just let life happen and take it as it comes? What if you miss out on some great opportunities, fulfilling a dream, or the chance to live out your life purpose, how will you feel?

Will Your Life be Better or Worse?

Some people get caught up in anger, self pity, holding onto the past, believing they do not deserve a good future, or feel rejected and unworthy of another relationship or marriage. Some people see their future as gloom and doom and fail to move forward. I find it sad when I hear about people who get divorced and their life never gets any better. Divorce becomes their defining moment in life. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Would You Like to Enjoy Your Future?

What if your life could be better than it ever was before? What if you discovered who you are, your life purpose and lived a fulfilling life? What if you could enjoy your future? Would you be willing to put forth some effort to make it happen? Think about the options. How do you see your future?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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If you are in the process of divorce, or if your divorce is final, what did you discover about your “friends” through this process? Did some people distance themselves while others drew closer to you? Were you able to determine who was truly your friend?

Divorce can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable and do not know how to handle a situation, they may avoid it all together. I often hear people say they would like to help someone going through a divorce, but do not know the best way to help. Sometimes when people distance themselves from us, it may be that they just don’t know what to do.

After divorce we no longer have a spouse, so our friends become even more important. We may rely on our friends to help us make decisions, to get another opinion, to bounce ideas off of them. If you do not have family near by, you may spend holidays with your friends and their families.

Since my children were 2 years and 4 years old when their dad moved out, I am thankful for the role my good friends and their families have played in my children’s lives. My children have been able to witness positive role models of good marriages, Christian families and intact families from our close friends.

If you have children at home, your children are watching you and the choices you make. The people we choose for friends will impact not only our lives but also our children’s lives. They will learn a lot about relationships, friendships and dating by what you model for them.

Choose your friends wisely. If you attend a Divorce Recovery group and make new friends, seek out like minded individuals. Use discernment and caution. Try to discern if the person desires to get healthy and move forward, or if the person is bitter and focused on the past. Divorce Recovery groups can be a great place to vent and process your feelings with people who can relate to your pain. However, it can be emotionally draining and unhealthy to be around people who remain stuck in the past with a negative attitude.

If you would like to read more about friends and divorce, you can read my recent Ezine article; Divorce: Who are Your Friends?

If you have an experience or thoughts on friends and divorce that you would like to share, feel free to comment below.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Your attitude is a choice you make. You may have heard the saying “Your circumstances do not determine your attitude, it is your reaction to your circumstances that determines your attitude. If you choose to take a positive approach in difficult times, even during divorce, you can take control of your life.

A positive approach does not mean that you are “happy” about your circumstances, or that your circumstances are not difficult. A positive approach is looking at our circumstances, accepting our reality, having the courage to change the things we can control (taking action) and letting go of those things which we cannot control. A positive approach looks for good in the circumstances, the blessings, the things for which we can be thankful.

I like this essay by Charles Swindoll on the importance of having a positive attitude.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our pasts, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you- we are in charge of our attitudes.

During and after a divorce, I often see people dwelling on things for which they have no control. I admit I was guilty of focusing on things I could not control, like my ex-husband and choices he made, how he parented our children, the poor example he was setting, etc. It can take time to learn to let go of those things you cannot control and focus on those things you can control.

The next time you find yourself having a bad attitude, stop and take a reality check. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I have a bad attitude?
• Is there anything I can do to change my circumstances?
• How is this attitude serving me?
• What can I do to change my attitude?
• Is there something I need to let go of? If there is something out of your control, turn it over to God and trust Him with the outcome.
• Do I need to change my belief about my circumstances? Sometimes it is our belief about our circumstances that can affect our attitude.
• Realize that you are the one choosing your attitude. Will you continue with this attitude or choose to change your attitude?

So, how is your attitude today? Is there an area where you might need to change your attitude? What do you think you could do to change your attitude? Are you willing to take the necessary action(s) to change your attitude? If not now, when will you be ready?

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Yesterday I wrote about surviving divorce. How we survive divorce will ultimately be determined by our attitude. I remember my divorce recovery leader sharing a version of the following story with our group.

A Native American boy was talking with his grandfather. “What do you think about the world situation?” he asked. The grandfather replied, “I feel like wolves are fighting in my heart. One is full of anger and hatred; the other is full of love, forgiveness and peace.” “Which one will win?” asked the boy. To which the grandfather replied, “The one I feed.” (Origin Unknown)

During and after divorce, people often struggle with anger, hurt, rejection, betrayal, possibly hatred toward/from their former spouse. If you find yourself focusing on these feelings, how long do you plan to harbor them? Have you given any thought as to when you will let them go, or change your focus? Do you realize that what you focus on, what you think about, is what you become?

The alternative after divorce would be to feed the wolf of forgiveness, hope, comfort, peace, acceptance, love (God, self, others), healing, learning, growing, moving forward, self discovery and purpose. If we focus on these things, on positive things, we will get positive results.

I imagine you are familiar with the law of sowing and reaping. If you think about your thoughts as seeds that you are planting, what kind of seeds are you planting? If you are planting crabapple seeds, do not expect to reap Granny Smith  apples. You will reap the fruit of the thoughts you have sown.

In Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s best selling classic The Power of Positive Thinking he wrote:

“Learn to expect, not to doubt. In doing so you bring everything into the realm of possibility…It is amazing how a sustained expectation of the best sets the forces in motion which cause the best to materialize.”

I like this quote from Henry Ford;

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t . . . you’re right.”

If you focus on defeating thoughts, revenge, self-pity, dwell on your marriage, your former spouse, things you cannot control, you can expect to remain stuck, sad and miserable. On the other hand, if you will focus on what you have learned from this experience, healing, the opportunity to discover “Who you are,” what you can control, deepening your relationship with God, seeking His will and purpose for your life, expecting good things to happen, you can anticipate peace, joy, fulfillment, a sense of purpose, love, and hope for your future.

Over the next  week, try to capture your thoughts. Make an effort to think about what you are thinking about. Ask yourself, is this where I want my focus to be? If not, replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. It is not enough to simply stop the negative thoughts. You must replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations.

You are always welcome to share your thoughts or experiences below. Blessings to you as you purposely focus on what you desire for your future.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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If your divorce process is final, then you are officially a “Survivor” of one of the most difficult seasons in your life. If you are still in the divorce process then it is a matter of time before you, too, will be a Divorce Survivor! When the journey began you may have wondered if you would survive the process? You did, or you will.

People who survive challenging life events such as divorce, death of a loved one, cancer or some other serious health issue, accident or fire, rarely come through the event unchanged. When faced with challenging life events we often find ourselves living from a state of survival mode. Day to day life may seem a blur. It may feel like we are functioning on autopilot.

As you persevere through the process, you no doubt emerge stronger, wiser, more independent, resourceful, possibly more confident in your abilities. If you are a Christian you likely have developed a deeper relationship with God, a stronger faith, a peace that you do not understand, comfort, unexpected blessings, an ability to persevere and endure beyond your imagination.

Surviving divorce is no small achievement. You may just be thankful that you survived. I would encourage you to take some time to reflect on your divorce experience and consider how you would answer the questions below:

How did divorce change you? What kind of a survivor are you? Did you come out bitter? or better? What did you learn in the process? Did you learn some things about yourself that you did not know or realize before? How did you contribute to the failure of your marriage? What can you do differently in the future? Despite the fact that divorce is a tragic event, what positives did you discover, or what good came out of your divorce? What advice would you give someone else going through divorce? What was the best advice you received?

Possibly you have already asked yourself some of these questions? If not, why not take some time to think about them. If you keep a journal, writing down the answers to these questions in your journal can be therapeutic and healing. Don’t waste the divorce experience by merely surviving. Take what you can from your divorce experience to learn and grow.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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