Mothers Day is a few days away. If this is your first year as a single parent, you may experience a range of emotions. You may feel a great deal of sadness for your children, that they no longer have an intact family. It could be that divorce removed you from an abusive situation. No matter what the reason for divorce, Mothers Day and Fathers Day can become awkward as a single parent, especially when children are younger and they need the help of the other parent. As a single parent with young children who do not understand the concept of Mothers Day and Fathers Day, it can feel like just another day.

Typically the father plans or carries out the Mothers Day celebration with children (especially when children are young) and mothers handle Fathers Day celebrations. As children get older they can help plan and contribute to celebrating their mothers and fathers. But what happens when parents divorce? Who helps the children celebrate their mother and father? When parents are in the process of divorce the relationship can be particularly stressful. The last thing a parent may feel like doing is planning or helping their child or children celebrate the other parent. If this describes your situation, I would suggest you take a moment to change your perspective.

Children have one biological (or adoptive) mother and father. It does not matter what you think or feel about each other right now (excluding emotional or physical abuse), he or she is the parent. As the adult, as the parent, it is your responsibility to help the child or children celebrate and/or show their appreciation for the other parent. Mothers Day and Fathers Day, birthdays and other holidays are times for you to put your feelings aside and help your children. You do it for the children.

Let’s face it, if parenting is challenging and many couples find parenting a challenge with two adults, what about single parenting? If there is ever a time when parents could use encouragement, to feel celebrated and appreciated, it is when they parent alone. Right or wrong, whether you like the other parent or not, whether you agree or disagree with the choices they make or have made in the past, children deserve the right to love, appreciate and celebrate their parents.

This Mothers Day and Fathers Day, I encourage you to take the high road. Forget about yourself, think of your children and help them celebrate the other parent. Granted the celebration will look different this year than in year’s past. If you are a single mother with young children you may want to read my blog post from last year “Planning Your Own Mothers Day”. Single fathers not to worry, I will write a similar post for planning your own Fathers Day, when we get closer to Fathers Day.

In the meantime, if you have any thoughts or comments that you would like to share, feel free to leave them below. May God give you strength, parenting wisdom, energy, an abundance of love, patience, grace and understanding as He empowers you to be the best parent you can be to your children.

God Bless!

Copy Right 2010 Shelley Grieser.  All Rights Reserved

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As we begin the new year, has anyone asked you about your new year’s resolution? I was speaking to one of my son’s friends the other day and he was telling me about his new year’s resolution. He told me his resolution was to live a more Christ-centered life. I told him I thought that was great and asked him how he planned to achieve his resolution? He replied, I am not sure. I have not really thought about it.

Then he asked me what my new years resolution was? I told him I do not make “new year’s resoultions,” instead I prefer to look at the year ahead and what I want to accomplish, set goals and create a plan for achieving them. This 14 year old boy’s  reply was, “oh”!

Yesterday on the radio I was listening to K-Love and rather than talking about new year’s resolutions the question they were asking people was, “How will your life be different this year?” I thought what a great question. To me, that question prompts ownership and accountability for how your life will be this year.

If you are someone going through a divorce or recently finalized your divorce, you already know your life will be “different.” Change which implies “different” can make you anxious or filled with fear, possibly dread because of the unknown that lies ahead.  Whether divorce was forced upon you, or you feel set free from an abusive relationship, the transitioning to single life from married life will make your life “different.” Change is inevitable.

The fact is your life will soon be different, but ”how” your life will be different is largely up to you. If you are familiar with Stephen Covey and the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” you know that the 2nd habit is “Begin with the End in Mind.” If we begin with the end in mind, let’s fast forward to Januray 2011. Next year when you look back at 2010 what will you say about 2010? Will you have accomplished anything? Will your life have improved in any way? Did you learn anything, and if so, what? Did it change your life in any way? for the better or the worse? Did you make good choices? Do you have any regrets? Are you at peace with where you are? Are you blaming someone else for how your year transpired or accepting responsibility for the outcome?

If this is a year of transition to single life for you, how do you picture your life a year from now? You may be facing a lot of unknowns this year, but you do not have to fear the year ahead. Remember you are not alone. God is with you. If you will seek Him and continue to lean on Him for strength, wisdom, courage, guidance, healing and comfort, He promises to be with you and see you through your trials and difficulties.

Spending time with God daily in His Word will help you get through the days and months ahead. If you are not sure where to begin, go to your local Christian bookstore, or visit one of the many on-line Christian bookstores or amazon.com and get a  daily devotional. There are also several good books that lead you through reading the Bible in a year. Whatever method is most appealing to you, this would be the perfect time to develop a habit of spending time with God (if this is not already a habit.)

Spending time with God can give you the strength, comfort, encouragement, wisdom and the hope you need for the year ahead. He is available 24/7. No appointment necessary. Your life may be different by developing a more initimate relationship with God.

As the realization of the new year sets in, stop and consider yourself looking back in January 2011. Will you be able to say I did the best that I could given my circumstances? I have no regrets. I accepted responsibility for what I could control and made good decisions for myself and my family. I sought God and His will for my life. I am at peace. I am trusting and believing God for the good things He has in store for me and my family. I am a victor and not a victim. It is my hope that this will be your reflection in 2011. 

If the year ahead seems daunting and overwhelming as you prepare, or finish, the divorce process, if you feel the need for support, creating a strategy to survive the process, working through your life changes, or developing a plan for the future, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session. Having someone who has been through a divorce, understands the challenges, the pain and how to overcome them can help reduce your stress. Having a trained coach to encourage you, ask powerful questions, help you discover what you really want and hold you accountable for taking action, can establish the foundation you need for rebuilding your life.

May God Bless You and Your Family in 2010.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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Are you struggling with the holiday season this year? Do memories of the past trigger sadness for the present? The holidays can be especially difficult for the first year of being single. It is okay to recall past memories of happy holiday seasons. Be thankful for those memories.

When we think of holidays, we think of parties and gatherings of family and friends. You probably have received an invitation or two to such an event. If this is your first year as a single person, you will need to decide what feels right for you. You may have friends that try to tell you what they “think” you need. If you don’t want to go to a certain gathering, you prefer to stay home, then stay home.

If your life has been really busy, having some time to do what you want to do may be a welcomed opportunity. I know that for myself having children, the time they were with their father often gave me a chance to get last minute details finished, or to finally relax when the celebrations were over.

Tips for Getting Through the Holidays:

1. Do what feels right for you. If family or friends try to pressure you into doing what they think you should do, let them know you appreciate their concern, but let them know what you want to do. Everyone is different. For some people they may want to be alone and for others they may need to be around other people. You decide what is best for you.
2. Pamper yourself. Give yourself permission to do something you enjoy. This could be relaxing reading a book, watching a movie, having a friend over, working on a hobby you enjoy, ordering take out from a favorite restaurant, or preparing a special meal/dish.
3. Focus on the reason for the season. Instead of focusing on your circumstances, be intentional about focusing on Christmas, Jesus birth and the reason we celebrate. Read the Christmas story in the Bible, or a book about Christmas, or watch a movie about the meaning of Christmas, try to learn something new.
4. Make a Gratitude list. Write a list of all the things you have to be thankful for in 2009.
5. Make a list of things you would like to do in the coming year. You could brainstorm on how you might make them happen. Is there a friend or family member you would like to do something with? Could you begin researching details or information about a trip or hobby you would like to begin?
6. Avoid beating yourself up. If you decide not to do something you have traditionally done for years, give yourself permission not to do it this year, to take a break or to start a new tradition. It is okay to give yourself a break or to change traditions.
7. God is with you. It is not unusual to feel lonely during the holidays. If you find yourself feeling lonely, remember you are not alone. Seek God and His presence. How does that look for you? Is it reading your Bible, listening to teaching tapes, sermons, worship music, talking to a mentor, or fellow believer?
8. Avoid dwelling on circumstances and events for which you have no control. If you find yourself having a pity party, then redirect your thoughts and focus on someone else. Get your mind off of yourself. There are several things you can do;

• Ask yourself if there is someone you could bless by doing something for them? giving them something? buying them something? Then do it.
• Is there somewhere you could volunteer or help others and make a difference?
• Journal or write out prayers for other people. Is there someone who could use encouragement from a phone call or a card in the mail? A small gift of appreciation or thoughtfulness from you?

You will get through the holidays. The media would like us all to believe that this is a joyous, happy, wonderful time of the year. Everyone is with family and friends having fun, celebrating with delicious food and receiving an abundance of gifts. Even though we know this is not reality, we can easily fall into the trap of believing everyone else is having a glorious holiday except for us. Please know that the first year of being single is usually the most difficult. It will get better. Do the best you can to get through it.

May God bless you with His peace, healing and comfort this holiday season.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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After a divorce is a great time to start new traditions for yourself, or with your children, if you have kids. Trying to keep all of your previous holiday traditions will likely trigger memories of the past. Reflecting on the past may be difficult and make you sad. There may be traditions that you absolutely want to keep and others you prefer to leave behind. Only you know what traditions you will be comfortable continuing. If some tradition is simply too hard to do this year, then skip it and reconsider it next year.

If you do not have children, or if your children are adults, can you think of anything you have always wanted to do during the holiday season? Have you seen or heard of a new opportunity that recently caught your attention? Why not step out and try something new, whether it is volunteering with a holiday project (great way to meet people and help others), going to a holiday concert, taking a trip, or decorating your home differently. If you don’t feel like decorating your home this year, then don’t decorate.

If you have children, spend some quality time with them over the holidays. Give them your attention by doing something you both enjoy. Again, start a new tradition, try something new. The holiday season is full of concerts, plays, and Christmas programs. Volunteers are always in short supply. Why not volunteer to help serve a meal to the homeless at a shelter. Help distribute gifts to the needy through a charity. Volunteer opportunities can be a great learning experience for your children.

Every year my kids and I put together shoe boxes for Samaritan’s Purse. My children look forward to shopping and gathering stuff to fill the shoe boxes. All through the year we put things aside for the shoe boxes. We also like to buy gifts for underprivileged people in our area, through programs at school or our church. Another tradition we enjoy is baking Christmas cookies and treats and delivering them to friends, teachers, and neighbors. This is a tradition originally started by my grandmother.

Ask a friend, or your children what they might like to do for a new experience. No harm done in trying.

I recently wrote an ezine article “Divorce- A Time for New Traditions.” Click on the title if you would like to read more about creating new traditions after divorce.

I had to include a larger picture to do it some justice. I grew up in Kansas City. One of my favorite traditions when I lived there was going to see the Plaza Lights. The picture above is only one corner of the Plaza. The buildings in the entire area are outlined in lights. It is a spectacular sight.

Copyright 2008  Shelley Grieser  All Rights Reserved

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