I am excited to have had the privilege to be a guest on Tommy Lanham’s Blog Talk Radio Show  recently. Tommy Lanham is America’s Expert Enthusiator adding life to your life one life at a time. Answering your questions about life and faith to help you get from where you are to where you want to be.

On the show we talked about how Divorce Coaching can help you through the divorce process and through recovery. I shared some of the common pitfalls of divorce and how you can avoid them. I also gave some tips on how you can reduce your stress level during the divorce process and save your emotional energy. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, you can listen to the replay of the show by clicking on the highlighted link.

As you may have noticed, I have not been very active on my blog lately for a couple of reasons. One of my best friends was a victim of a tragic event earlier this summer. I have been spending time trying to support and help her through this difficult time. It has been amazing to watch God’s faithfulness and work through this tragic event.

The other reason for my absence, I have been working on developing a workshop to help men and women prepare and get through the divorce process. The workshop is called, “The Divorce Support Workshop: Navigating the Process with Fortitude and Grace.”  To find out more information and details about the workshop, click on the title of the workshop.

If you are not familiar with Blog Talk Radio, click on the highlighted link and you can listen to the show over the internet. It is a 60 minute show, Tommy Lanham’s Blog Talk Radio Show . I hope you will come listen. Tommy is full of energy, inspiring and motivating.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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In my last post I talked about what you can do when your ex-spouse makes poor choices unintentionally. This may result because he/she does not really know better or has not thought through the situation.  Since poor choices made by a parent impact the children, I suggested how you might address the situation with the other parent.

Today I want to address how you might help your children when the other parent makes poor choices or bad decisions without thinking (or caring) about the implications it will have on the children. I know how frustrating it can be when the other parent makes poor life choices that impact your children, maybe even for life. One of the more common issues for which you will have no control or input is when and how the other parent chooses to date, and who they bring around your children. Although I will talk about poor choices related to dating, the concepts can easily be translated to other poor choices made by a parent.

Some parents desperately want to be in another relationship, possibly your marriage ended because of the other parent being unfaithful to your marriage. In these situations, when one parent jumps into a relationship he/she is thinking of themselves and not the best interest of the children. All the while the other parent is setting an example for your children. Your first response may be anger, hurt, pain, frustration, or fear. I encourage you to keep your cool.

Tips of what NOT to do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Two wrongs do not make a right. Trying to get even, by going out and finding someone to date is not the answer.
• Restrain from venting with your children. Any frustration or emotions you may have regarding the situation you should vent with a friend, family member, or counselor, or journal your feelings. As hard as it might be, the other parent is still their parent. Your children gain some of their identity from that parent. If you speak negatively about the other parent, the child may then transfer those negative comments to them self.
• Do not put your children in the middle asking them 20 questions about the person your ex-spouse may be dating.
• Avoid negative comments about the person they choose to date. It can be difficult for children to accept their parent being with another person, depending on their age, the time that has elapsed between your divorce and dating. Children may struggle sharing their parent with someone else. When you speak negatively about the person your ex-spouse is dating, you make the situation even more strenuous for the children.  Like it or not, you never know when the person the other parent is dating may become your children’s step parent. Children are much smarter and perceptive than we often give them credit. If you allow them to form their own opinion, you may be surprised.

Tips of what you CAN do when the other parent makes poor choices regarding dating:

• Depending on the age of your children, you can talk about choices and consequences. Think about what you want to say before you talk with your children. You can be very diplomatic without naming people in your conversation. If you have an example of friends or a story that you can use to illustrate your point, fine. Do not use your ex-spouse. Talk about how every one has the ability to make choices, with those choices there are consequences. You can discuss different choices and the possible consequences for each choice.
• You can share with your children choices you would make in a given situation and explain why. Look for learning opportunities. Take advantage of real life situations, or movies, news events where you can take a situation and turn it into a learning opportunity. This can be a good time to share your values and beliefs and how they help you to make choices. You may even share an example of when you or someone else made a poor choice and the consequences that resulted, how you might do it differently. Be sure to point out good choices as well.
• If you feel the other parent is making poor choices, then you can model for your children what you believe are good choices. You can also spend time with other families, adults, or extended family that will model positive behavior for your children.
• Take time to recover and become healthy. If you want your children to have a positive role model of a healthy relationship, do not rush into another relationship.
• When you do start dating, do not introduce your children to every person you date. It is best to wait until you are in a relationship and have dated a while before introducing him/her to your children.
• Do what you can to prepare your children prior to introducing them to anyone you are dating. Help your children understand what your dating means to them. Children, depending on their age, may become worried about how this could change or impact their life.
• Reassure your children how much you love them and how important they are to you.
• Encourage your children to share their feelings with you, listen to what they have to say and help them work through it.
• Pray for the other parent, your children, and with your children, depending on their age and understanding.
• Be open to listening to your children’s concerns regarding the other parent.
• If there is a situation that concerns your children about the other parent, you may want or need to share it with your ex-spouse. If the topic or issue is particularly sensitive, be careful in how you approach the other parent. If you are on good terms and able to discuss it openly, great. If communication is stressful, then send an email, or leave a voice mail message. Try to keep it to the facts, without your emotional comments.
• Understand there are times when you may need to be an advocate for your children’s voice to be heard. Depending on the severity of the situation and your relationship with the other parent, you may need to get a children’s mediator or a counselor/therapist involved to resolve the issue.
• When you make a poor choice, admit it to your children. Do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong, to apologize, ask for forgiveness and let them know how you should have handled a situation, or how you will handle it differently in the future.

Being a single parent can be overwhelming at times. The important thing is to do the best that you can with what you know. Let your children be children. Do not put them in the middle of the relationship between you and your ex-spouse, expressing negative comments, making them choose sides. Avoid placing too high of expectations on children, forcing them to grow up too fast, or assuming the role/responsibilities of the other parent in your home.

If you need help with parenting issues, seek help. Be sure to think about your children and the impact your choices will have on them. How you live your life and the choices you make will affect your children. As always, feel free to share your comments, questions or experiences below.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Whether you are in the process of divorce or have been divorced for some time, one issue single parents often face is having no input (or control) over poor choices made by the other parent. When poor choices are made, the results or consequences not only impact the parent, but also the children.

Poor choices can range from one parent having rules and a routine at their house and the other parent having very different rules at their home. This may include bed times, chores, expectations and responsibilities, homework, balanced diet, tv time, computer time, attending church and more.

Having vastly different rules and expectations for each home can be difficult on the children. Allowing young children to stay up as late as they want on a school night is usually a poor choice. It is best if parents can strive to have similar rules and expectations for the children’s sake.

If and when possible, try to communicate your view point to the other parent regarding rules and expectations you have set for your home and why. Ask and seek to understand the other parent’s point of view and determine if you might be able to compromise, to have consistency for the children. If communication is stressed between you and the other parent, then send an email.

Parents are human and we all make mistakes. Setting up house rules, expectations, responsibilities and routines may be more challenging for one parent than another. Sometimes a parent may make poor choices because they do not know better, or they were not thinking. Bringing a situation to the other parent’s attention and explaining why it may not be a good choice, suggesting other options, may lead the parent to a better choice.

Pick and choose your battles, or situations to address carefully. If you try to tell the other parent how to parent and it is perceived that you are trying to “control” them, then your suggestions will likely not be well received and/or implemented. You may want to ask yourself, “Is this issue the result of poor choices, how does the choice impact the children, is the choice simply different and not the way I would handle it?” If there are many issues, start with one or two that you feel are the most important to address. Be sure to present your perspective in a neutral, diplomatic, non-offensive way.

Ultimately you have no control over how your ex-spouse will parent your children. What you can control is how you respond. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to make the situation better for our children?” If so, do what you can do and let go of what you have no control over.

My next post will cover situations of poor choices made when a parent is thinking primarily of himself/herself and not the children. I will provide ideas on how you can handle these situations with your children. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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Mothers Day is a few days away. If this is your first year as a single parent, you may experience a range of emotions. You may feel a great deal of sadness for your children, that they no longer have an intact family. It could be that divorce removed you from an abusive situation. No matter what the reason for divorce, Mothers Day and Fathers Day can become awkward as a single parent, especially when children are younger and they need the help of the other parent. As a single parent with young children who do not understand the concept of Mothers Day and Fathers Day, it can feel like just another day.

Typically the father plans or carries out the Mothers Day celebration with children (especially when children are young) and mothers handle Fathers Day celebrations. As children get older they can help plan and contribute to celebrating their mothers and fathers. But what happens when parents divorce? Who helps the children celebrate their mother and father? When parents are in the process of divorce the relationship can be particularly stressful. The last thing a parent may feel like doing is planning or helping their child or children celebrate the other parent. If this describes your situation, I would suggest you take a moment to change your perspective.

Children have one biological (or adoptive) mother and father. It does not matter what you think or feel about each other right now (excluding emotional or physical abuse), he or she is the parent. As the adult, as the parent, it is your responsibility to help the child or children celebrate and/or show their appreciation for the other parent. Mothers Day and Fathers Day, birthdays and other holidays are times for you to put your feelings aside and help your children. You do it for the children.

Let’s face it, if parenting is challenging and many couples find parenting a challenge with two adults, what about single parenting? If there is ever a time when parents could use encouragement, to feel celebrated and appreciated, it is when they parent alone. Right or wrong, whether you like the other parent or not, whether you agree or disagree with the choices they make or have made in the past, children deserve the right to love, appreciate and celebrate their parents.

This Mothers Day and Fathers Day, I encourage you to take the high road. Forget about yourself, think of your children and help them celebrate the other parent. Granted the celebration will look different this year than in year’s past. If you are a single mother with young children you may want to read my blog post from last year “Planning Your Own Mothers Day”. Single fathers not to worry, I will write a similar post for planning your own Fathers Day, when we get closer to Fathers Day.

In the meantime, if you have any thoughts or comments that you would like to share, feel free to leave them below. May God give you strength, parenting wisdom, energy, an abundance of love, patience, grace and understanding as He empowers you to be the best parent you can be to your children.

God Bless!

Copy Right 2010 Shelley Grieser.  All Rights Reserved

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If you are a parent with children still living at home, about to separate or divorce, you will need to inform significant people in your children’s lives. Once you have told the children about your plans to separate/divorce, your children will begin trying to process this information. This news will create stress and confusion as they try to contemplate what this means to them personally, their family and their future.

As your children try to sort through and understand what this means to them, they are likely to speak with someone outside the family unit. Think about the significant adults in your children’s lives. What adults do they see on a regular basis? Who might they be comfortable opening up to about their feelings or situation? Who spends time with your child that may need to be aware of the change in family status? Who might recognize a change in behavior, attitude, performance, or personality that can let you know what they observe?

It is important to tell people who interact with your children on a regular basis, that you and your spouse are separating or getting divorced. If other adults are aware of your family situation, they may be able to comfort, offer support, advice, or encouragement to your child.

Be sure to let people know that you would appreciate them notifying you of any changes in behavior, demeanor, or apparent struggles your child may be experiencing. By letting others know of your concern, they will be more inclined to pay closer attention to your child and share their observations with you. Have you ever seen the shows on television where a person is in need of help and people walk on by because they do not want to get involved? People today may be reluctant to say anything and avoid getting involved.

Here is a perfect example. Today I heard of an elementary school music teacher who suspects a child in her class is suffering from depression. She is aware that the parents are going through a divorce, yet expressed her reluctance to say anything to the parents. When a good friend of mine heard the teacher make this comment, she encouraged her to speak with the parents. My friend shared with her that when she has experienced parents (of her children’s friends) going through a divorce, the parents have asked her to let them know if and when she observes any changes in their child’s behavior, or emotions that could be related to their divorce.

Going through a divorce can be overwhelming. There may be periods of time when you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot, merely surviving. It is good to have other people looking out for your children who may notice signs that your children are struggling or could use help coping with their circumstances. If you would like to read more information on this subject, you can read my recent Ezine article: “Beginning Divorce: Who Parents Need to Tell About Their Divorce.”

Today there is much more information and support available to help children through divorce than in years past. Helping your children process divorcess will not only benefit them now, but also in their future relationships. Realize that children may not express their struggles in front of their parents, because they do not want to add to your stress and pain.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser. All Rights Reserved.

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If you are a parent going through a separation or divorce, please take the time to educate and prepare yourself on how to tell your children. Divorce will affect your children. How you tell them about your divorce, what you tell them, your relationship with the other parent, how you handle the divorce process and co-parenting, can make a huge difference. 

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Divorce is a devastating life changing event. Divorce is more than an “event” it is a process. As in any process there are different stages. The first stage is really when one (or both) partner(s) begin to entertain the idea that they no longer want to be married to the other person. Often times the person who initiates the divorce, has mentally and emotionally left the marriage relationship before mentioning any problem or unhappiness to the other spouse. The initiating spouse can begin a negative downward spiral and be done with the marriage before there is ever an opportunity to seek help and save the marriage.

When the non-initiating spouse finds out their partner wants a divorce, their first stage is generally “shock.” How can this be happening to me, to us? If there is any chance to save your marriage and work through differences, by all means seek professional help and do whatever you can to save your marriage.

If your spouse has informed you that he/she no longer wants to be married, despite your prayers and efforts to save your marriage, I am truly sorry. I know how horrifying this can be. At a time when you are overwhelmed with emotion and disbelief, traveling unfamiliar ground, it can be difficult to know what to do.

Here are 7 Practical Tips for What to do When Beginning the Divorce Process:

1. Pray. Submit your marriage relationship to God. Ask Him for emotional support, comfort, guidance, strength and wisdom. Ask God to bring the right people and resources into your life/path.
2. Ask family, friends, your church for their prayers and support. Submit prayer requests on line to various ministries or prayer chains. Requests can be made respecting your privacy. Now is a time to be covered in prayer.
3. Find someone you can trust, with whom you can share your feelings and process your thoughts and emotions. Talking through your feelings, putting your thoughts and emotions into words, can be very therapeutic and revealing for you. A trusted person can offer a different perspective and/or encouragement.
4. Remember that God is in control, so do not panic. You will get through this time.
5. Contact an attorney in your area to find out what you need to do. You can do some research on the internet to educate yourself on what you might expect. Preparing yourself with questions and concerns will help you to make the most of your time when you meet with an attorney. Attorney fees are not cheap, so take the time to prepare yourself prior to meeting with an attorney.
6. Look for a divorce support group in your area. Divorce recovery groups provide; emotional support, help you to learn and grow from divorce, a safe place to express your feelings, the oppotunity to meet and connect with others in the same situation.  Attending a divorce support group can also provide connections and networking for finding various professionals or services you may need throughout your divorce process.
7. Despite what you are feeling know that; You will survive. You will get through the process. You can do whatever you need to do. God is with you and He will see you through your divorce. Lean on HIm. Trust Him.

I know how scarey the beginning of the divorce process can be, especially if you are in a new location, and/or you do not know anyone else going through a divorce. It can seem like you are the only one in this situation. The sad truth is that you are not alone. The roller coaster of emotions, the uncontrollable tears are not unique. There are others currently going through the same devastation as you.

Each day will get better. It takes time. As time goes by, you will gain more strength. Before long the good days will out number the bad. The time will come when you will laugh, love and smile again. Let God be your strength, comfort and hope.

Romans 15:13; May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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My previous post about being single again and Valentines Day focused on what you might do for others. This post will focus on you. It is so important to remember to take care of yourself. It is quite common for people who are divorced or in the process of divorce to feel rejected, unloved, lonely and/or depressed. Throw in all of the hype for Valentines Day and you may have more than enough triggers to accelerate these feelings.

This Valentines Day LOVE yourself! Now please do not get me wrong here. I do not mean love yourself in a selfish, self centered, self absorbed sort of way. I am suggesting that you take care of yourself. Do something loving for yourself.

If you have children at home who depend on you, it is even more important to take care of yourself. I am sure you have heard this before, if you do not take care of yourself then it is more difficult to take care of others. This is so true. Taking care of yourself physically, making a point to exercise and eating healthy can help you emotionally when you are struggling. Often times we can get busy taking care of others, attending to work, daily details and neglect ourselves.

Give yourself permission to do something good for you, for Valentines Day! Think about what energizes you, what would lift your spirits, what is something special you do not normally do for yourself that would be a special treat? I have listed some ideas below to get your creative mind flowing.  

• Massage
• Dinner or lunch at one of your favorite restaurants
• Carry out dinner from one of your favorite restaurants
• Flowers, chocolate,
• Go to see a movie you have been wanting to see with a friend. Funny movies can be healing!
• Schedule time to do one of your favorite hobbies; if one of your hobbies involves exercise like hiking, biking, walking, running, skiing, all the better!
• Shopping – maybe you have a gift card you have not used. Now might be a great time to use it.
• Treat yourself to something that fits within your budget whether it is a new book, music, manicure, pedicure, television, shoes, something for one of your hobbies.

Consider doing something special for yourself. Maybe you have not taken the time to do anything for you for awhile, or possibly there is something that would normally make you feel guilty spending the money on yourself? It is okay to do something special for yourself. Be realistic and reasonable. Keep it within your budget. 

This Valentines Day take care of yourself in a healthy way!

May your day be blessed with something that brings you joy!

Feel free to share your thoughts or ideas in the comment section below, on what you intend to do to take care of you on Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser  All Rights Reserved.

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If thIs is your first “Valentine’s Day” as a single person in a while, getting through the holiday can be challenging. It is difficult not to be bombarded with messages and images of couples in love everywhere you go. I wonder when (if ever) did you have a perfectly romantic Valentines Day experience like the ones portrayed in the media? May be it is just me?

How many people do you think are disappointed each year when their love interest does not meet their expectations? How many people do you think give or do something out of obligation or expectation, rather than the motive of expressing their true love for another person on Valentines Day? Valentines Day marketing can lead people to believe if they are not in a relationship, they are in the minority, they might even be unlovable.

When people go through divorce it is not unusual for them to feel unlovable, especially around Valentine’s Day. I am here to tell you that “YOU are Lovable!” If your marriage has ended in divorce, that does not make you “unlovable.” I encourage you  to have a true perspective this Valentines Day. If Valentines Day is all about “love” is love limited to romantic relationships?

The true perspective is “You are lovable!” The truth is love gives life meaning and purpose. The world is looking for love, but what they are really looking for is God. God is love. 

The world would have us believe that we will find fulfillment in life through romantic relationships, money, material things, status, our appearance. Yet people who achieve these things are often left empty, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed.

It is actually when we walk in love, that we will find true fulfillment in life. When we walk in love we put love into action. We get the focus off of ourselves and reach out to others. It is not self seeking. Self seeking means you do something for others seeking something in return.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. (John 13:34). I am not suggesting that you send your ex-spouse or soon-to-be-ex-spouse a Valentine. I would suggest that you take this Valentines Day and reach out to someone you love. This could be your children, your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbor. Is there someone who has blessed you lately, who has helped you through your divorce that you might want to bless? Even though you may not be in the mood to celebrate Valentines Day this year, why not take the time to show some appreciation or love to other people this Valentines Day?

Blessing others can be therapeutic. When we bless others (show them love) we often feel blessed in the process. Focus on who you love and appreciate this Valentines Day, and make your mind up to bless at least one other person.

God loves you everyday, all day. There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. Receive the love He has for you and go share it with somebody else. You are God’s Valentine today and every day.

Have a Happy Valentines Day!

Copyright 2010 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved

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I was browsing through my book “Growing Through Divorce”  by Jim Smoke today and thought I would share a list he created, titled “The Ten Commandments for Formerly Married People.”  Jim Smoke was a pioneer in the divorce recovery field in the 1970’s. Based upon his wealth of experience helping people transition from married to single, Jim compiled a list of behavior, attitudes and/or actions people should follow when going through a divorce. It has been 15 years since this book was published, and the information in this book and list of commandments are still relevant and wise advice for anyone going through divorce today.  

 The Ten Commandments for Formerly Marrieds

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past.
2. Thou shalt be responsible for thy present and not blame thy past for it.
3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely.
4. Thou shalt assume thy end of the blame for thy marriage dissolvement.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy future by a quick, new marriage.
6. Thou shalt not make thy children the victims of thy past marriage.
7. Thou shalt not spend all thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible and evil their departed parent is.
8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one parent family and get on with it.
9. Thou shalt ask others for help when thou needest it.
10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury yesterday, create today, and plan for tomorrow.

“Growing Through Divorce” was originally released in 1995. Reading Jim’s book today, his wisdom and advice are written like a Life Coach, before Life Coaching was really practiced and recognized. Jim takes the perspective that each person faced with divorce has a choice of growing through divorce or simply going through divorce. He provides practical guidance as he acknowledges the depth of pain, encourages people to be accountable, to learn from this experience, and take responsibility for their future. 

If you are someone who wants to learn and grow from your divorce, if you are willing to be accountable and responsible for your future, then you would greatly benefit from reading this book. If Jim Smoke’s approach appeals to you and you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you through divorce, then please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Copyright 2010 ~ Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

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