If you are a parent with children still living at home, about to separate or divorce, you will need to inform significant people in your children’s lives. Once you have told the children about your plans to separate/divorce, your children will begin trying to process this information. This news will create stress and confusion as they try to contemplate what this means to them personally, their family and their future.
As your children try to sort through and understand what this means to them, they are likely to speak with someone outside the family unit. Think about the significant adults in your children’s lives. What adults do they see on a regular basis? Who might they be comfortable opening up to about their feelings or situation? Who spends time with your child that may need to be aware of the change in family status? Who might recognize a change in behavior, attitude, performance, or personality that can let you know what they observe?
It is important to tell people who interact with your children on a regular basis, that you and your spouse are separating or getting divorced. If other adults are aware of your family situation, they may be able to comfort, offer support, advice, or encouragement to your child.
Be sure to let people know that you would appreciate them notifying you of any changes in behavior, demeanor, or apparent struggles your child may be experiencing. By letting others know of your concern, they will be more inclined to pay closer attention to your child and share their observations with you. Have you ever seen the shows on television where a person is in need of help and people walk on by because they do not want to get involved? People today may be reluctant to say anything and avoid getting involved.
Here is a perfect example. Today I heard of an elementary school music teacher who suspects a child in her class is suffering from depression. She is aware that the parents are going through a divorce, yet expressed her reluctance to say anything to the parents. When a good friend of mine heard the teacher make this comment, she encouraged her to speak with the parents. My friend shared with her that when she has experienced parents (of her children’s friends) going through a divorce, the parents have asked her to let them know if and when she observes any changes in their child’s behavior, or emotions that could be related to their divorce.
Going through a divorce can be overwhelming. There may be periods of time when you feel like you are operating on auto-pilot, merely surviving. It is good to have other people looking out for your children who may notice signs that your children are struggling or could use help coping with their circumstances. If you would like to read more information on this subject, you can read my recent Ezine article: “Beginning Divorce: Who Parents Need to Tell About Their Divorce.”
Today there is much more information and support available to help children through divorce than in years past. Helping your children process divorcess will not only benefit them now, but also in their future relationships. Realize that children may not express their struggles in front of their parents, because they do not want to add to your stress and pain.
Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser. All Rights Reserved.
