If you are a parent going through a separation or divorce, please take the time to educate and prepare yourself on how to tell your children. Divorce will affect your children. How you tell them about your divorce, what you tell them, your relationship with the other parent, how you handle the divorce process and co-parenting, can make a huge difference. When parents decide to separate or divorce, emotions are usually running high. This can be a time of intense sadness, heartache, fear, worry, and disappointment. As a parent you may feel overwhelmed and easily become self absorbed dealing with your circumstances. As difficult as this time is, you need to think about how you can best support your children through this life changing event.
You will need to consider the ages of your children. If your children are in their teens they may have friends whose parents have divorced. Whatever exposure or experience your children have had with divorce, will be the filter they use to process your divorce. If they have a close friend or relative that went through divorce, was it an extremely difficult experience? Was it handled well or could it have been handled better? Right or wrong, older children may have preconceived ideas about divorce, so keep that in mind.
If you have younger children, their questions and concerns may be quite different. Younger children may have limited knowledge or understanding about divorce. It is important to communicate to them on their level. I encourage you to give some thought and preparation when it comes time to tell your children about your separation/divorce. If you would like to read more about this topic you can read my recent ezine article; Divorce Tips: How and What to Tell Your Children When You Decide to Divorce.
Be aware that when children see their parent(s) struggling with the pain, hurt, anger and sadness of divorce, they may avoid dealing with their own hurt and emotions. The children may feel like they need to be strong, or they do not want to create any more problems for their already hurting parent. They may internalize their pain and keep it to themselves.
Is this the first “life challenge” your child has encountered? Sometimes children have not yet developed the skills to cope and /or process these type of feelings and emotions. Your children may need help learning to cope with such a life changing event. Today, unlike years ago, there are various resources available to help children cope with their parents divorce. Thanks to the internet you can easily research books, professional services in your area and find helpful information on line for children.
I know this is a difficult time, but pay close attention to your children, their behavior, how they are doing. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, fears, questions, and concerns. If you sense your children may need outside help or support, do what you can to get them the help they need. Unresolved issues from divorce can have life long effects on your children. Help is available. Getting your children help now will enable them to have healthy relationships later.
As a child of divorce, it has taken me years to discover how my parents divorce affected me as a child, and carried over into my adulthood. As a child divorce becomes a filter for your future. You can overcome divorce and help your children to overcome it as well.
Copyright 2010. Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.
Fortunately, I never experienced this as a child, but did have to face it when my first wife and I separated and then divorced. It’s a gut-wrenching experience to have to tell a child that kind of news. Your post is your usual outstanding and sensitive job. I’m sure it will provide some guidance and encouragement to folks going through the painful experience.
God bless you!
Jerry