Have you come to terms with your divorce? Typically the non-initiator in the marriage is the one who experiences the most difficulty in accepting the divorce. When you never wanted the divorce in the first place and can't understand why your spouse wanted out, it can be frustrating. You may have been willing to go to counseling, to talk things out, make changes, to work through problems, forgive and yet your spouse was not interested or willing to participate. We want so much to understand.
Think about it. Is there honestly anything your spouse could have said to you at the time that would have made sense? Can you imagine yourself hearing an explanation and saying, "Oh, okay now I get it, I understand why you are wanting to end our marriage." Probably not. I would like to think that most of us enter into marriages with the intent for it to last until we die. After all we took a vow and made a commitment for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
When our spouse was unfaithful or decided they wanted out with no reasonable explanation, it was hard to wrap our arms around it. When a spouse denies any wrong doing and evidence would indicate otherwise, we long to know the truth. We want to hear them admit the truth, as if that would change anything. We feel as if we are the only ones experiencing pain. We want them to hurt, too.
The truth is, we cannot control other people. We cannot make them honor their marriage vows. We cannot make them tell us the truth. We cannot always control our circumstances either. Have you noticed what happens when we try to control things over which we have no control? We end up disappointed, rejected, hurt, frustrated, spinning our wheels, going no where. Letting go of what we cannot control is a hard lesson to learn.
It is not until we can let go of what we cannot control that we can begin to move forward with our life. It is a choice we have to make. How long will we stay stuck in the past, waiting for the truth, or an acceptable reason for leaving the marriage, holding on to what could have been, blaming our former spouse for our unhappiness, spinning our wheels? Sad to say some people hold on to this mindset forever.
The other choice, the healthy choice, is accepting our circumstances. Accepting the fact we may never get an apology, a reasonable explanation, or a reconciliation. Accepting our circumstances does not mean that we agree with them, but we accept them. To accept the things we cannot change, we need to focus on changing our inner attitudes instead of our external circumstances.
Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself that focus on changing your inner attitudes:
- What would need to change in your attitudes or responses for you to function at your best in the midst or after your divorce?
- If your divorce is beyond your control, how can you choose to experience it differently?
- If you can't change getting a divorce how can you make peace with it?
- What is your divorce process teaching you? What is the gift this pain brings?
- What good could come of your divorce? How could this teach you compassion, or grace, or endurance or character?
- Research on survivors found that we are either broken by suffering, survive it and get life back to normal, or it becomes a defining moment in our lives. How could your divorce become a defining moment for you, where you rise up and engage it out of what you were made to be?
How about you? Have you accepted your circumstances? Are you moving forward with your life or are you still holding on to the things you cannot change? If you have not accepted your divorce, will you make the choice to ask yourself the questions above and take the steps necessary to move forward?
copyright 2008 Shelley Grieser
